Midget Reviews

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Midget Review of Little Monsters

I think she's a little monster in a daytime disguise. Seriously.

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Midget Review of Night at the Museum

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Midget Review of Happy Feet

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Midget Review of Critters

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Midget Review of Flushed Away

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Midget Review of Just My Luck

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Midget Review of Monster House

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Midget Review 3!

Midget now carries around a notebook and pen whenever we begin a movie. "I'm getting ready to write my Midget Review," she announces before dropping onto the couch. She makes a few nonsensical scribbles and then throws the pen on the floor.

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Midget Review 2!

I made Midget aware that people read the reviews that she did last week. She is excited about this. The next time we are at Hollywood Video, she is prancing around, clutching DVD boxes to her chest and singing. She runs up to the counter, plops the movies we've chosen down and announces: "I'm famous, you know. I'm the famous Midget and these are the new movies I am going to watch to do the Midget Review."

Oy.




DARK WATER:


Me: So what was this movie about?

Midget: It was leaky.

Me: Why was it leaky?

Midget: Because there was a big hole that was making all the water come down.

Me: Where was the water coming from?

Midget: The big, little giant thing.

Me: You know, you're kinda contradicting yourself... with the little and giant parts. Could you be a more specific? People will want to know if you thought it was scary.

Midget: It wasn't scary. It was a little bit fun.

Me: How was it fun?

Midget: It was fun when the mom was reading to the kid.

Me: So did you like it?

Midget: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Can I go take a bath now?

Me: You're not afraid of the water now?

Midget: Why would I be afraid of the water?

Me: I see your point.


FLIGHTPLAN:

Me: What was this movie about?

Midget: It was about a little girl who was lost on a plane.

Me: Was it boring or exciting?

Midget: Exciting.

Me: How was it exciting?

Midget: She took her daughter and saved her.

Me: Was there any part where you were scared? Like, what if it happened to you?

Midget: No, I wasn't scared. You would miss me if it was me.

Me: Do you think that I would try to save you like that mommy did?

Midget: Yeah... (bored look, glancing away)

Me: Are you bored of my questions?

Midget: (blank stare... slowly backing away.)

Me: Hmmm... I might have to think twice about the saving you part....


INTO THE BLUE

(It is important to note that Midget's first word was "Fishy." Midget was extremely animated while watching this movie.)

Me: I think you liked this movie.

Midget: It was soooooooo GOOD! Did you see the fishes??

Me: Yep. Was there anything else about it that you liked?

Midget: The sharks were super scary. Like, they bited the lady's leg off and it was bleeding EVERYWHERE!! She didn't swim fast enough and the shark bitted her HARD!

Me: It didn't scare you?

Midget: No. Movie blood is fake. It was fake. But it was sooooooo KEWL!!

Me: Was that your favorite part?

Midget: No. I liked the part where the girl kicked the bad man's butt and kicked him in the water and the other shark bited him dead too.

Me: I'm going to have to explain past tense for "bite", aren't I?

Midget: Huh?

Me: Nevermind, we'll worry about it later. So... does this movie get the Midget seal of approval?

Midget: Oh, YEAH. Tell the people to get this movie cuz it is sooooo GOOD. The girl is tough and the boy swims real fast and the bad guys kill people but that's ok because they get in trouble and killed. I liked this movie A LOT... A LOT... A LOT! (Midget's arms are waving wildly about.) Hey! I wanna go to the Bamamas.

Me: BaHamas.

Midget: Whatever. I wanna go swim there. I'm a good swimmer. I can hold my breath too, see? (Pinching nose and holding breath)

Me: I think we've got enough.

Midget: (murmuring) I'm not gonna get bitted though...


THE LEGEND OF ZORRO:

(I did not watch this movie with her.)

Me: Tell me what happened in this movie.

Midget: The girl got lost and then the boy came and saved her.

Me: Was it exciting?

Midget: Yeah. Mrs. Zorro was verrrry pretty. I likes the dresses she wore like this (Midget pulls the arms of her dress off of her shoulders.) Her pretty earrings are like mine.

Me: Did you like Mr. Zorro?

Midget: Mr Zorro was so awesome because he had a sword and a cool horse and nice clothes. The kid learned his dad's moves. The boy was the child of Mr and Mrs Zorro.

Me: So would you recommend this movie?

Midget: (nods) It's very good for the kids...... like me!

Me: Thanks baby. You wanna wish people a good Easter or anything?

Midget: (Placing hands on floor and bouncing upwards until her arms are over her head) Have a lovely Easter you people!

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Midget Review!

There is no better way to have a movie explained than through the musings of a child. You want the best and simplest breakdown on just about anything? Hit up the under 10 set. Who wants to listen to the pompous droning of some cinematic elitist? To wade through paragraphs upon paragraphs and think: "Damn, bitch! Just tell me how many motherfucking stars you're giving this thing!"

Solution? Ask a child. The Midget is my go-to gal for all film wrap-ups. Here are some of her takes on some movies we've recently watched.


Ice Age 2:

Me: So, what did you think of the movie?

Midget: I liked the part with the possums... and it was good.

Me: Anything else?

Midget: I liked the part where the mammoths fell in love.

Me: Anything else?

Midget: Nope, that's about it.


War of the Worlds (Tom Cruise version):

Me: So, did you like that movie?

Midget: It was kinda scary.

Me: How so?

Midget: Well, there's aliens... cept they're not really aliens, they're machines. And alls they do is shoot people up and kill them dead. And that's about it.

Me: Yeah, that is pretty scary. (insert sarcastic tone)


The Island:

Me: You sure you want to watch this?

Midget: Mmmmm Hmmmmm.

(almost 2 hours later)

Me: What did you think?

Midget: The girl was pretty.

Me: No, what did you think about the movie? Did you like it?

Midget: The girl was pretty. I liked her hair. It looked like Barbie's.

Me: That's it?

Midget: Mmmmmm.... yup.

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In Her Shoes: An Awesome Movie Review

The first book I read of Jennifer Weiner's was "In Her Shoes." I'm sure everyone is familiar with the tired old concept that the book is always better than the movie. Let me start by saying that is applies in this case. The book is better than the movie.

But the movie isn't bad... Or is it?

I'm fairly certain that a good number of people saw the trailers for this movie in the fall of last year. It's hard to miss Cameron Diaz's lopsided Colgate grin. Yet despite how many people might have seen the trailers, very few people paid to see the movie when it was released, so it was a quiet little bomb. With good reason. It's a quiet, unassuming movie based on a quiet unassuming book, where the main character is a dumpy, mildly attractive lawyer. Don't let trailers fool you, the story was centered around the older sister Rose, played by Toni Colette in the flick. It is filled with strong supporting characters, but selling a movie based on a smart, fat chick isn't going to get butts in the theaters. So Cameron was featured on the posters and it was her name that they unsuccessfully tried to promote the movie on.

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