Oh, the things we are willing to do for those people we care about.
We'll wear the clothes they like to see us in, go to movies we wouldn't watch if not for their desire to see them, indulge them in their whims of choice. We'll do things that would normally be against our nature. We'll travel outside our realm of personal comfort. We will do what it takes to make them happy. Not because we're whipped or weak or stupid.
Because we love them.
A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend. Recently could be loosely defined, as they had decided to part ways a couple of months ago but he still clung to a fragment of hope that they might work things out. People tried setting him up on dates and taking him out. He declined because in his mind, he was still in love with this girl.
They met up to do the "Exchanging of the Stuff" earlier this week and got to talking. Their relationship was what I like to refer to as a "toxic" (click here to read more) one, and after a brief time talking, those "I still love you" vows were exchanged instead of the tangible items. She led him to believe that it might be a new beginning. They parted that night without fully deciding what the next step should be. He e-mailed her, disclosing his feelings. She did not respond.
I need to point out that for my friend, making these strong declarations of a still burning love are against his general nature. He is not a wuss, not a clinger, not the kind of man that lets himself get stepped all over. So this was a reach for him. But... he loved her. So he expressed his feelings in a way that went against his normal grain.
She responded a couple days later, saying that her intent was not to address what he had written, but to remind him that he had forgotten to give her a CD of pictures that he was supposed to have burned for her. She essentially disrespected him and his outpouring of emotion. I would hope that she knew him well enough to know how hard that was for him. They'd been together for almost a year. Either she knew and was just a cold-hearted cunt for not mentioning anything other than her precious CD or she was insanely, idiotically oblivious.
They would have never made it as far as they did without his bending over backward for her. Without him giving and doing so much for her. Now, I know that I have come off as harsh against women in past writings and I know that as his friend you might think that I am biased, so I'm going to list some of what he did for her over the course of their relationship.
She was finishing her schooling to become a teacher when they got together. She had no paying job outside of a couple of babysitting gigs and was living with her parents. I would never fault someone for living with their parents, as I have to do that myself, but she was allowing them to completely control her life. As a 28 year old woman, they were still going through her e-mail and the contents of her computer.
They discovered that she was dating him based on a couple of racy photos that they found while snooping through her computer one day. (Why she needed to hide the fact that she was dating him is beyond me to this day.) Ultimatums were delivered. They planned on kicking her out of the house if she continued to see him. She went crying to him, saying that she couldn't live like she was but didn't know what to do. After only dating a couple of months, he allowed her to move into his home, rent free.
Over the following three months, he paid for the majority of their outings. He built her a customized computer so that she would have her own. He helped to coach her on how to handle a job interview, as the jobs that she had held prior did not require her having a serious one. He even did his best to help her get along with her parents again, despite the fact that they were blatant in their dislike for him.
She finished school and was hired as a teacher. He helped her to locate her own apartment. She cried that it meant that he no longer wanted her to live with him, although his intention was to see that she was capable of standing on her own two feet and taking care of herself. Once moved in, he helped her set up her new place, building the furniture that she'd needed to buy.
Things turned sour from there on out. They had already had their moments up until that point, but it grew progressively worse. She claimed that his staying over at her house and wanting to spend time with her was an imposition. She told him that he was not being understanding of all of the responsibilities that she had for work.
He continued to see her, on the days and hours that she wanted. Knowing that she couldn't answer her cell phone during class hours, he would call it just to leave a voicemail message, telling her that he loved her. She complained about that. Her complaint? He didn't do it often enough. (Yeah... because he was obligated to do it AT ALL in the first place.)
As he began to pull away from her, mainly due to her shoving him out of her way, she complained that he couldn't break up with her. That breaking up with her would send her over the edge. She is a diagnosed bi-polar. She is one of the first people I have known who live with the affliction to actively use it to manipulate people to her advantage. When he would tell me these things, I felt so sickened.
But he loved her. And as his friend, I loved him enough to keep my mouth shut.
She insisted that he come to her therapy sessions with her so that they could "work things out" with her doctor. He went along willingly and eagerly because he was hoping that the doctor could see that he was trying hard to make things work. He followed the doctor's instructions, including writing out lists of things that he loved and hated about her behaviors. In my opinion, he went well above and beyond.
Every week she would promise to listen more, be less demanding, work together with him as a couple. But it wouldn't last. (Hell, does it ever? But he's a good man and as we girls know, throwing away a good man isn't in the cards. Even if we are silently destroying him along the way.)
I would have had more sympathy for her at that point had she shown a little remorse over what she was putting him through. A mere ounce of understanding of just how manipulating she could be. But there was none. She had grown up allowing her parents to take care of her and at 28 years old had never learned to take responsibility for her own actions. This is not just me speaking here, but something corroborated by her therapist.
So two months ago, he broke up with her. He mourned her absence. She started to live it up on MySpace. The girl who had no time for him during the week, the girl who claimed she had so many things to do for work, was now checking into her page several times a day, changing her profile on practically a daily basis. Oh, and she'd suddenly decided to subscribe to my blogs. (You know that if you've got time to sit down and read one of my lengthy rants, you've got too much time on your hands.)
A few weeks after they broke up, she photoshopped a nude picture that they had taken together and started to use it as her default picture. He had stopped having contact with her completely, and was not logging into MySpace in order to avoid any messiness, so he was informed about it through a mutual friend of theirs. It was a ploy to get him to contact her, even if to yell at her about it. She was playing a stupid game, and he was man enough to allow her to win it. When he informed me of this... well, let's just say that I too do (and don't do) things against my nature for those I love.
Now there's this recent brouhaha. After she makes out with him and then turns on the ice water, he makes the decision to find a new person to spitefully fill the void. Even if he wasn't my friend, I couldn't say that I blamed him. I'd be amongst the crowd, screaming "Go get you some, dude!"
But I need to write this. I need to fill in a bunch of strangers to make a point. I'm partly satisfying my need to lash out at a girl who has wronged my friend, and partly doing this to shine a light on what girls do to men. I very specifically am referring to them as girls, because they're not emotionally mature enough to be referred to as women.
I was one of them once. I did some very awful things to the men in my life, treating them callously and with little concern for what they might be feeling. I was cold and manipulative and I am no better than the next person. But I am trying to right my ways. I am attempting to show my appreciation for those men in my life who have stuck around through my bullshit. In essence, I am taking responsibility. I am owning up to what I've done in order to not do it again.
This girl is not at that point. I don't know if she ever will be. There are those who never fully grow up and become the mature, responsible and considerate human beings that we are supposed to become. I doubt this will make much of a dent, seeing as how she always felt slighted that he would need to be friends with me, and made biting, sophomoric remarks about us being so close. For whatever reason, I still wanted to give it a shot.
Plus, I am doing this for him. He should know, in this time when things feel the most miserable, that he is not the only one who has shown kindness to a person and gotten shit all over for it. That he is not the only one to have gotten burned. He should also know that not everyone will take such kindnesses for granted.
I think that there are a lot of you out there who might be needing to hear the same thing. We are not so alone in our quest to love and be loved with dignity and sincerity. There are so many others out there who share your feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and grief. People who just want to be appreciated.
We do enough bad things to each other. Perhaps because someone did something bad to us. Perhaps because we're lashing out, hurt or scared or confused. It becomes such an ugly, messy cycle.
I wanted to say my piece and attempt to tear a hole in that cycle. I hope that there are some of you out there who will join me.
