Rants About Friendship

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Baby, I'll drive you like a car

Once I wondered
Is he out to get me?
Is he hiding behind the 1s and 0s
like so many other devious souls?

I believed it to be true
Yet never outright accused
Never point blank drew my weapon

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Trust me....

Briefly...

I feel as if there is no one I can trust right now.

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It's been a few months

I've been out of the blog loop. I have been angry and I have been sad. I have been joyful and I have felt defeated.

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I Don't Wear Beige for a Fucking Reason

There's this old saying... "If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything."

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Hi, I'm Not Weird, I'm Autistic. Will you be my friend?

Today has been a shitty day.

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Your Mark is More Permanent Than My Trusted Sharpie

I worry about a friend of mine. I've been a bad friend lately in the communication department, an area where we had previously logged bunches of IM hours.

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From a Kiss to a Dagger

I finally started getting serious about deleting the emails from my AZ profile over at Myspazz.

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Be Careful Who Your Friends Are

I find people to be stupid by association.

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Once You're Gone...

You can never come back.

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Friends in a Box

One of the most common questions asked online is whether or not the friendships that we make online are actually real. If you can't touch the person, can't reach across a table and smack the back of their head when they say something stupid, can't play footsies under a table... does that mean that they're somehow less of a person than the friends you know in the flesh?

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Thanksgiving Thanks '06

In no particular order, these are the things that I would like to give thanks for this year.


* I am thankful for my plethora of roll-over minutes that I stored up over the last year. I don't wanna know what my bill would have looked like without them.

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I Left the Last of My Privacy in Saskatoon

I feel as if I might have told this story before. Several times, in fact. But for those of you who are new and those of you who might not have been listening to all of it, here it goes again.

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I'd Much Rather Talk to You, If That's OK...

I'm deeply embedded in a love/hate relationship right now.

With E-mail.

In order to get my head straight on how I really feel about this technological advancement to the hot guys in their shorts walking around my neighborhood and putting packages in my box (Why were we so arrogant as to assume that we could improve on that??), I've decided to go over my personal pros and cons to the system.

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"High Ho, High Ho... It's Off to Lick Dopey I Go..."

I hate this whole "straight edge" movement. Sure, I suppose I shouldn't have anything against the kids who are staying away from drugs and alcohol in order to live clear headed lives where they can enjoy their world around them in a pure form, but FUCK! They've got no clue what they're missing!

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Please (Don't) Stop Saying That You'd Do Me

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? 

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I'd Do You, But You'd....

... fuck the shit out of me?


Don't you just love having conversations with drunk people? Especially over the phone, when the inhibitions are at an all time low? I have been known to drunk dial quite a bit personally, but it never ceases to amaze me when other people do it. Granted, I did ask for the call because I wanted to hear the story that was not playing out so well over IM, so I guess I asked for it, but I do love the info I now have. You lost count of your Veronica Numbers? Jeez.

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The Awesome Guide to Drinking

I mentioned yesterday how I'm not a big drinker, but that when I do drink, it tends to be in massive quantities. My tolerance is ridiculously high under normal circumstances, and I can count on one hand the number of times that I have thrown up after drinking. (All of which involved a car ride where I wasn't the driver. Lovely thing, carsickness.) But the number one thing that impresses people is that I have never gotten a hangover.

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Brandon's Response to "The Things We Do For Love"

"Hello All,

Thank you to everyone who has posted supportive comments. You all have restored some of my faith in humanity.

I just wanted to weigh in with my comments on this blog.

I would like to state that the reason why I stayed in this relationship even with all of the negative aspects, was that I was truly TRULY in love with this girl. She and I had chemistry like you see in any great love movie and think oh that never happens in real life. Well it did happen. It was so unreal, so hard to believe, and so magical feeling, that I had hoped and hoped that somehow, some way, she would see the right things to do for our relationship, even in the face of all the negative signs she exhibited from the get-go.

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The Things We Do For Love

Oh, the things we are willing to do for those people we care about.

We'll wear the clothes they like to see us in, go to movies we wouldn't watch if not for their desire to see them, indulge them in their whims of choice. We'll do things that would normally be against our nature. We'll travel outside our realm of personal comfort. We will do what it takes to make them happy. Not because we're whipped or weak or stupid.

Because we love them.

A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend. Recently could be loosely defined, as they had decided to part ways a couple of months ago but he still clung to a fragment of hope that they might work things out. People tried setting him up on dates and taking him out. He declined because in his mind, he was still in love with this girl.

They met up to do the "Exchanging of the Stuff" earlier this week and got to talking. Their relationship was what I like to refer to as a "toxic" (click here to read more) one, and after a brief time talking, those "I still love you" vows were exchanged instead of the tangible items. She led him to believe that it might be a new beginning. They parted that night without fully deciding what the next step should be. He e-mailed her, disclosing his feelings. She did not respond.

I need to point out that for my friend, making these strong declarations of a still burning love are against his general nature. He is not a wuss, not a clinger, not the kind of man that lets himself get stepped all over. So this was a reach for him. But... he loved her. So he expressed his feelings in a way that went against his normal grain.

She responded a couple days later, saying that her intent was not to address what he had written, but to remind him that he had forgotten to give her a CD of pictures that he was supposed to have burned for her. She essentially disrespected him and his outpouring of emotion. I would hope that she knew him well enough to know how hard that was for him. They'd been together for almost a year. Either she knew and was just a cold-hearted cunt for not mentioning anything other than her precious CD or she was insanely, idiotically oblivious.

They would have never made it as far as they did without his bending over backward for her. Without him giving and doing so much for her. Now, I know that I have come off as harsh against women in past writings and I know that as his friend you might think that I am biased, so I'm going to list some of what he did for her over the course of their relationship.

She was finishing her schooling to become a teacher when they got together. She had no paying job outside of a couple of babysitting gigs and was living with her parents. I would never fault someone for living with their parents, as I have to do that myself, but she was allowing them to completely control her life. As a 28 year old woman, they were still going through her e-mail and the contents of her computer.

They discovered that she was dating him based on a couple of racy photos that they found while snooping through her computer one day. (Why she needed to hide the fact that she was dating him is beyond me to this day.) Ultimatums were delivered. They planned on kicking her out of the house if she continued to see him. She went crying to him, saying that she couldn't live like she was but didn't know what to do. After only dating a couple of months, he allowed her to move into his home, rent free.

Over the following three months, he paid for the majority of their outings. He built her a customized computer so that she would have her own. He helped to coach her on how to handle a job interview, as the jobs that she had held prior did not require her having a serious one. He even did his best to help her get along with her parents again, despite the fact that they were blatant in their dislike for him.

She finished school and was hired as a teacher. He helped her to locate her own apartment. She cried that it meant that he no longer wanted her to live with him, although his intention was to see that she was capable of standing on her own two feet and taking care of herself. Once moved in, he helped her set up her new place, building the furniture that she'd needed to buy.

Things turned sour from there on out. They had already had their moments up until that point, but it grew progressively worse. She claimed that his staying over at her house and wanting to spend time with her was an imposition. She told him that he was not being understanding of all of the responsibilities that she had for work.

He continued to see her, on the days and hours that she wanted. Knowing that she couldn't answer her cell phone during class hours, he would call it just to leave a voicemail message, telling her that he loved her. She complained about that. Her complaint? He didn't do it often enough. (Yeah... because he was obligated to do it AT ALL in the first place.)

As he began to pull away from her, mainly due to her shoving him out of her way, she complained that he couldn't break up with her. That breaking up with her would send her over the edge. She is a diagnosed bi-polar. She is one of the first people I have known who live with the affliction to actively use it to manipulate people to her advantage. When he would tell me these things, I felt so sickened.

But he loved her. And as his friend, I loved him enough to keep my mouth shut.

She insisted that he come to her therapy sessions with her so that they could "work things out" with her doctor. He went along willingly and eagerly because he was hoping that the doctor could see that he was trying hard to make things work. He followed the doctor's instructions, including writing out lists of things that he loved and hated about her behaviors. In my opinion, he went well above and beyond.

Every week she would promise to listen more, be less demanding, work together with him as a couple. But it wouldn't last. (Hell, does it ever? But he's a good man and as we girls know, throwing away a good man isn't in the cards. Even if we are silently destroying him along the way.)

I would have had more sympathy for her at that point had she shown a little remorse over what she was putting him through. A mere ounce of understanding of just how manipulating she could be. But there was none. She had grown up allowing her parents to take care of her and at 28 years old had never learned to take responsibility for her own actions. This is not just me speaking here, but something corroborated by her therapist.

So two months ago, he broke up with her. He mourned her absence. She started to live it up on MySpace. The girl who had no time for him during the week, the girl who claimed she had so many things to do for work, was now checking into her page several times a day, changing her profile on practically a daily basis. Oh, and she'd suddenly decided to subscribe to my blogs. (You know that if you've got time to sit down and read one of my lengthy rants, you've got too much time on your hands.)

A few weeks after they broke up, she photoshopped a nude picture that they had taken together and started to use it as her default picture. He had stopped having contact with her completely, and was not logging into MySpace in order to avoid any messiness, so he was informed about it through a mutual friend of theirs.  It was a ploy to get him to contact her, even if to yell at her about it. She was playing a stupid game, and he was man enough to allow her to win it. When he informed me of this... well, let's just say that I too do (and don't do) things against my nature for those I love.

Now there's this recent brouhaha. After she makes out with him and then turns on the ice water, he makes the decision to find a new person to spitefully fill the void. Even if he wasn't my friend, I couldn't say that I blamed him. I'd be amongst the crowd, screaming "Go get you some, dude!"

But I need to write this. I need to fill in a bunch of strangers to make a point. I'm partly satisfying my need to lash out at a girl who has wronged my friend, and partly doing this to shine a light on what girls do to men. I very specifically am referring to them as girls, because they're not emotionally mature enough to be referred to as women.

I was one of them once. I did some very awful things to the men in my life, treating them callously and with little concern for what they might be feeling. I was cold and manipulative and I am no better than the next person. But I am trying to right my ways. I am attempting to show my appreciation for those men in my life who have stuck around through my bullshit. In essence, I am taking responsibility. I am owning up to what I've done in order to not do it again.

This girl is not at that point. I don't know if she ever will be. There are those who never fully grow up and become the mature, responsible and considerate human beings that we are supposed to become. I doubt this will make much of a dent, seeing as how she always felt slighted that he would need to be friends with me, and made biting, sophomoric remarks about us being so close. For whatever reason, I still wanted to give it a shot.

Plus, I am doing this for him. He should know, in this time when things feel the most miserable, that he is not the only one who has shown kindness to a person and gotten shit all over for it. That he is not the only one to have gotten burned. He should also know that not everyone will take such kindnesses for granted.

I think that there are a lot of you out there who might be needing to hear the same thing. We are not so alone in our quest to love and be loved with dignity and sincerity. There are so many others out there who share your feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and grief. People who just want to be appreciated.

We do enough bad things to each other. Perhaps because someone did something bad to us. Perhaps because we're lashing out, hurt or scared or confused. It becomes such an ugly, messy cycle.

I wanted to say my piece and attempt to tear a hole in that cycle. I hope that there are some of you out there who will join me.

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Good-bye My Friend.





The man in the above picture is Adam Baggett. Today I found out that Adam passed away last week, early Thursday morning. He was 39 years old. He went silently, succumbing to a life-long battle with asthma and heart problems. The woman with him in the picture is Angelica. She was his fiancee.
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"You'll Never Believe What Happened to Me..."

Guess what? I don't care.


Sometimes the last thing that I want to hear is someone else's good news.

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I Hear They Have Kickass Vending Machines In Heaven

It's been a year.

A year since I sat at a computer screen in the middle of my workday and used the IM feature on Myspace (back when it still worked) to communicate with Brandon, desperately trying to find information on whether or not the rumors were true.

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Nevermind My Opinion

My blog from yesterday yielded some interesting commentary, especially when dealing with their opinions of the untalented on "American Idol." The consensus seemed to be that if these people were stupid enough to think that they could make it, then they deserved to be laughed at. Some people think that they were doing it for the face time on TV and that was enough to earn them mocking.

All of it made me think of Stacy Brown.

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2005... At Least I'm Still Alive

In no particular order... but, yeah, also kind of...... (Fuck you, it's MY blog)

Brandon...... my "twin", my saviour, the one who "gets" me, the one who didn't put up with my shit by knowing what shit to put up with.... I'd be dead inside right now, if not for you. You mean more to me than you will ever really know.

Pooka.... my baby sister, my partner in crime, the former half of PooZar, the one who backs up my shit to mom, the one I get to flick in the head and have it be cool, the one who fucking tortures me with her fucking feet, and the one I adore like no other on this planet. Way to grow up, little sis.

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Bob's Big Boy (The first half of the story)

My senior year in high school, I'm sitting around with a group of my friends, smoking, um, a pipe (yeah, that's it) and we're all joking about what we should do as a senior prank. I'm not really certain any more how we came upon the topic of Bob, but my buddy Ed suggests that we drive over to the local Big Boy and steal old Bob, take him to the school and mount him on the roof of the cafeteria. Everyone ultimately decides that this is the best fucking idea ever hatched by a human mind. Me, Ed, Mike, Marshall and Jimmy all pile into my Mercury Topaz and head off.

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He's My Heart (Former "Preferred Only" Blog)

I ♥ you.

And you'll most likely never read this. I'm really only doing it to fuck with people who like to read my stuff and now won't be able to read this one because it will be preferred only.

Hehehe. Sounds just like something my crazy ENFP ass would do, doesn't it?

Face it, you know you love it. :)

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In Memory of Lenetta Cooper

Fucking myspace and things you find out.

A good friend of mine from high school passed away yesterday. I just received an e-mail on here from her sister. Lenetta was one of the kindest, sweetest, most beautiful human beings that I ever had the privilege of knowing. She was in many ways my opposite: soft spoken, shy, and at times timid to speak up for herself. I was the girl who stood behind her and nudged her to talk when we were teens. I admired her for being things that I couldn't be, and she claimed to admire me for the same. She was such an incredible person, someone who went through way too much shit for the quality of character that she was.

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That's What Friends are For

Hmmmmm..... I've started this blog three times now and I keep backtracking.......

It floors me sometimes the rapid progression that takes place in friendships over this whole internet thing. We can go from strangers to the closest of confidantes in nothing flat. 3 megs of archived IMs over less than 4 months? I spend way too much time on this thing. But tonight I had this overwhelming feeling of, well, gratitude, for the inventors of the world wide web. I was able to help out a friend with advice derived from this whacked out mind of mine, which made them happy and me feel more useful than I have in years. I've gone through some intense changes in these last 4 months, changes that were both scary and empowering at the same time. I don't even know how to phrase this all that well, if that's any indicator of how much this has affected me. And normally, I'm never at a loss for words.

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