Rants About Romantic Bullshit

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I'm with Mick Jones

Sure, I'll hop on that train.

What the fuck is love?

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The Awesome Rule

I don't fancy myself a feminist but I wouldn't consider myself to be one of those females who needs a man to live her life. It's helpful, don't get me wrong. But that's got nothing to do with gender.

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Whatever Happened to The Waitresses?

I struggle with honesty. It's an every day battle where I have to make the decision of when and how I'm going to be honest with the people in my life, from my co-workers to my family.

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Juicy Details

Um... so, yeah...

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The Heart, It is a Fucked Up Hunter

I think I'm going to start doing some medical studies. Reading up on what makes the heart do what the heart does.

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My Ankles Hurt

What do you get when you add together one depressed emo bitch, a stomach full of Darvocet, Xanax, Cherry Coke Zero and nothing else, roller skates and a 6 year old?

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Luckily For Men, Women Will Still Date You Even If You're Ugly

Even though I just detailed how my childhood crushes growing up were based strongly on physical features, most of the men that I've dated over the years I dated because they had something more to offer than just a pretty mug. I've preferred to date men who were interesting for some reason other than just the physical.

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Can I Get a Little Fore or More Play?

So, you've decided that you want to escalate your flirting to another level and bring that person into your bedroom... or kitchen floor, or bathroom stall...whatever. You've decided that you're in the mood to do the bumping of the uglies.

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Whatever Happened to Harmless Flirting?

If you haven't noticed from reading some of my responses to certain readers' comments, I'll say it in clearer terms: I AM A FLIRT.

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Do We Need Timecards in the Bedroom?

Numbers. People are always all about the numbers. Cell numbers, account numbers, numbers of sexual partners. Some are innocuous and some have a deeper meaning that the mental health of an individual hinges on.

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Yeah, David Cassidy, What ARE You So Afraid Of?

I don't have a problem saying "I love you," and meaning it.

What I DO have a problem with is the assumption that saying "I love you" only means one thing. The words have become devoted to one essential meaning. That the person saying them is in a state of deep romantic attachment. That saying "I love you" equates to "I want to spend my whole life with you and have your babies."

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Meet Someone Else Halfway, Kenny Loggins

One of the main suggestions when a couple is having difficulty is that they need to better learn how to "compromise." That the husband/boyfriend needs to learn to like doing something that the wife/girlfriend enjoys doing if he expects her to do something that he likes doing.

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Does the Race Card Trump the Ace of Spades?

I grew up in a town where the population is primarily Hispanic. My sixth grade class consisted of 32 kids. I was the only white one. There are areas of Oxnard which also are largely populated by various Asian nationalities, from Filipino to Guamanian to Korean. The only race that seemed to be in a smaller supply than Caucasians were the African Americans.

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Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number... Yeah, Right

It clearly states on my profile that I am lying about my age. I find it interesting to see how old people think I am based on my pictures and proficiency level of my writing as well as my pop culture references. There are those who know my real age and even the handful of those who were able to guess. (Want to know what it really is? Go to "My Idol" on my Top Friends and look through the blogs. It's in there.)

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Cheater, Cheater Pumpkin Eater

Last week I posted a poll at the bottom of my Top 5 Guilty Pleasures post and an overwhelming percentage of people answered that they felt most guilty about cheating on a lover.

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"Dream Maker, Love Taker..."

I was reading a friend's blog the other day, and he had posted a list of reasons why he wouldn't date a girl. They were all pretty harsh and specific reasons, perfect for him, but exactly the things that would make him come off exclusionary at best and a chauvinistic pig at worst.

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Romantical Reminiscing

I don't like to try and be friends with exes. I've outlined this fact in several other pieces, but lately I've been thinking about it again. I've searched my brain to think of those that I dated or even just had an "understanding" with, attempting to figure out if there were some that I wouldn't mind sitting around and having a smoke with. What I came up with was 3 separate lists.

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"What a Loser He Turned Out to Be..."

If only I was able to collect some monetary fee every time I had to hear that line. Hell, I'd be charging myself just as much as I would my friends.

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The Ex-Men

By now most of you have seen the new X-men movie or at the very least know what I'm referring to when I mention it. It's a movie detailing the exploits of men and women who are mutated from their original human form and exhibit extraordinary super-hero (or villain) type traits.

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When Green Eyes Aren't So Pretty

I get e-mails from people who read my writing, asking me relationship questions, which I kinda have to laugh at, since I think I'm fairly good at pointing out how fucked up I am when it comes to relationships.

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Don't You Know That You're Toxic?

At this point in our media saturated society, I think everyone has heard of Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson and all of the shit that they went through in their relationship.

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A Return to the Almighty Analogy

You'd throw away a broken cordless phone, wouldn't you? Considering how cheap they are to replace these days, you're more likely to go get a new one than to try and fix it, right? You'd throw away that phone without a second thought as you skipped off to Target for a new one.

So why is it so hard to throw away a broken relationship?

Zara, Zara, Zara....

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Why Being Single Kicks Ass!

Fuck having a Valentine! What self-sufficient, half-way intelligent, emotionally secure person needs one??

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My Valentine Want-Ad

Position Available: Friend with benefits. Room for job growth.

Experience Required: Must have had minimum of 2 sexual partners in their past. This is not a position with on-the-job training.

Minimum Age Requirement: Must be at least 21 years old.



We are looking for some, if not all, of the following:

* Minimum college-level literacy

* Must be minimum of 3" taller than potential employer. 6' or taller is preferred but not an absolute.

* Must recognize and appreciate sarcasm. Must be able to take a minimum of what they dish out.

* Must love movies. Must enjoy going to see them in the theater, watching them on DVD and suffering through them on cable just to determine what has been edited out.

* Must provide their own transportation. Potential employer has no interest in being anyone's chaffeur.

* Needs to be well-kempt, but not fall within the "metrosexual" label.

* INTJ or INFJ preferred. Will consider all other applicants on a case by case basis.

* Must understand what "Leave me the fuck alone!" means.

* Will not scoff when told that potential employer enjoys listening to Kelly Clarkson.

* Must be an embodiment of the term "adventurous."

* Must be a better listener than a talker.

* Must be a believer in cuddling, nuzzling and snuggling.

* Must be the type that likes to sit at the very back of a movie theater in the "love seat" row of seats.

* Must understand that being called a "dork," "nerd," or "fucker," is a term of endearment in the potential employer's mind.

* Does not have any dependency issues.

* Must keep the ingestion of alcohol to a minimum. Must recognize one's own limit and not drink themself into oblivion.

* Must think Mitch Hedberg was a comic genius.

* Must be annoyed by the following people: Dubya, Condi, Bill O'Riley, Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, Joe Simpson and his two puppets, Jimmy Fallon, P Diddy, J Lo, Kanye West, the "an error has occured" bitch-ass, people who are worked up over the James Frey thing, fundamentalist Xtians, idiots who use "netspeak" all the damn time & Dr Fucking Phil.



The following are not required, but very desirable:

* Tattoos and/or piercings
* Dark hair and light eyes
* Plays a musical instrument
* Artistic nature
* Owns every movie made by Tarantino
* Regularly quotes favorite movies/books/songs/tv shows
* Strong hands
* Interesting scars
* Slightly wounded, "needs fixing," nature


Job Description:

Employee will be at the employer's sexual beck and call, but will be able to fulfill the intellectual needs as well. Will be carrying on conversations about  pop culture nonsense on a regular basis. Will provide hugs, snuggles, nuzzles and the lot when employer is craving human touch. Will keep a big fucking distance when they are not. Reading assignments are required on a semi-regular basis.

Causes for Termination of Employment:

* Touching of the employer's feet or the putting of your feet near the employer.

* Uttering any of the following phrases: "I think Arnold is doing a good job." "I think people are too hard on our president." "I really don't like to read."

* Moonlighting with another "company" without employer's knowledge or permission.

* Enjoying anything recorded by Celine Dion.

* Using the term "retarded" as an insult.

* Attempting to make employer watch "Natural Born Killers"

* Insulting any of employer's family members in ANY fashion


We are an equal opportunity employer. References are not required. Thanks for your interest.

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They Call Me Ms. Construe

Ok, ok, ok, I confess. I am a horrible flirt. Terrible. Awful. Dreadful. Oh, it's not that I do it badly (at least not in my opinion), it's that I never can seem to pull it off without people thinking that I want to fuck them. Or even worse: date them. Why can't I just be cheeky for the hell of it?

 I am one of the most affirming people that you will meet. I accomplish this by paying attention when people talk to me (although it might not seem like I am due to my never-ending commentary), complimenting them sincerely on their accomplishments and attractive attributes, and hinting that I might want to sleep with them. Hmmm... I wonder where they get confused? I suppose what I do is easier pulled off in person, where I can poke them in the ribs and wink, thereby conveying that I'm just being cutesy. But the internet and even the telephone lacks that physical presence and is painfully void of inflection. So I find myself getting misunderstood on a regular basis.

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All These Stupid Games We Play

What makes it so bobdamn hard to find a little understanding?

Think about it. All of us have been through similar situations. We've all been through love and heartbreak. Through being the one who dumps to being the one who's dumped. We all can point at one another when we hear their tale told, saying "I know exactly what you mean!"

And yet, when it comes to our own personal romantic endeavors, we can't admit that the other person has been in the same position that we have. We become completely centrally focused. Why don't they want me? Why don't they obsess over me? Why did they break up with me? Don't they know that I do the breaking up around here?

Well, damn. Think about it. Why did you not want that nice guy/girl that chased you around? Why didn't you obsess over the girl/guy who remembered to tell you every day how much you meant to them? Why did you find their behaviour stifling, smothering, invasive? Why did that lead you to break up with them? Why did you find it so odd that they became nuts about it afterwards and left you scratching you head as to what their problem was?

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The "We'll Always Be Friends" Myth

Is it really possible to be friends with an ex? Can two people who purportedly used to love each other be able to share an amiable, platonic relationship? Personally, I don't think so.

Let's start with some of the reasons why people break up. From the simple "I just don't love you like I used to," to the "I want to see other people," to the all time great: "What the hell were you doing with her??" what we're essentially breaking it down to is: "You're not good enough anymore. You no longer do it for me. What we once had, what we both claimed was so great...... is gone." How can anyone be expected to regain any sense of normalcy after gaining such knowledge?

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I Want An Asshole!

Actually, I don't. But I don't want a nice guy either. I want what all women want: an impossible ideal.

Late last night, one of my friends posted a bulletin about not being the nice guy anymore. Not telling his female friends what to wear on dates, not listening to them bitch about their boyfriends, not taking anymore crap. I know that his decision to do so was based somewhat on my prior blog about asshole fetishes. However, he missed the point.

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Don't Tell Me About My Asshole Fetish, You Bitch Hound!

Gather around children. Zara's figured something else out about life. I'm sure you are all familiar with the old ranting and raving of the "nice guys." You know, the one that complains about how women say they want a nice guy but always date the assholes? And "nice guys" all around the planet get together to devise stupid bulletins to pass along the word that they shouldn't be looked over.

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Remember That "Good Slut" Thing?

So my slutty past has come back to haunt me. I knew the day would eventually arrive. Sigh. Where to begin?

An old fuck buddy of mine found me on this site last Friday. It's been years since we talked last, and when it ended, it didn't end on great terms. Not that we were ready to slash tires or go sit in each other's bushes, but you know how shit tends to end. Random, stupid and too immature for me to care to admit to here. But you ALL know what I'm talking about. (And I suppose that it is important to note that the responsibility for the break-down of our pairing was mutual. No one person was more at fault than the other)

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