Rants About Sex

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When a Kiss is More Than a Kiss

I love kissing. I love slow kisses and deep kisses. Kisses that are wet. Kisses that turn French. Kisses that start on the mouth and progress over the map of the face. I like kisses on my forehead. Kisses on my closed eyes. And I especially love kisses up and down the slope of my neck.

But there is one kiss that I could do without. The "after" kiss.

See, I'm a respectful administrator of fellatio. I don't halt the process until the job is through, I always stick around to clean up afterwards, and I never, EVER go in for a kiss immediately following. It's a signal of courtesy. I excuse myself for a drink of water. Or I keep something within reach. But the concept of going in for a kiss directly after I had his jizz in my mouth just doesn't seem very couth to me.

I think the men would agree with me on this one. Despite how progressive you all claim to have become, I'm sure that tasting your own juices is still not high on your list of sexual priorities. You know that you're a dirty motherfucker most of the time and you're pretty damn thankful that your lady was willing to partake of a bit of your nastiness. All the progressiveness in the world isn't going to make you want to discover if your flavor is indeed as robust as she claims it is.

But you don't seem to remember this when you're finished grazing our buffet de pussy. I admire those of you who are willing to dive in and invest the time that it will take to knock our socks off orally. I think it's fucking fantastic that men have become so willing to return the favor, but I find it disturbing that a large number of you forget that we've got our own flavor as well. Personally, I don't care how much I love you, how much you think I love you, or even how conceited you believe I am. I still have zero interest in licking my slop off of your lips.

I am a porn lover, but this is one instance where I have to point an accusatory finger in its direction. The lovely fem-bots always look so eager to dip a finger in their honeypot and lick it clean in front of their sexual companion. And yes, I won't lie and say that I haven't done this from time to time in order to turn a man on. But this scene makes men believe that women are in love with pussy nectar. Not so.

It might be a cute little ploy, and some of the bi women out there will testify that pussy juices have their yummy moments, but it's not a delicacy. Plus, there is something about the composition of feminine jizz that changes after orgasm. With men, the only time that you get to taste their cum is after an orgasm (aside from the lovely pre-cum, which tastes pretty much like the ensuing lead performer). But women have juices that flow on a regular basis. What we taste like prior to singing your oral praises and what we taste like after are two different entrees, ya dig?

And if you're a women like me, one that has never had a need for a lubricating helping hand, you know that you're going to be soaking your man's face. Seeing that glazed donut pucker of his floating towards your lips as you're lying back and trying to appreciate the afterglow isn't necessarily a welcomed sight.

So men, let me say on behalf of all of the women that you have been so kind as to have gone "diver down" on, thank you for your eagerness, your enthusiasm and your attentiveness to our needs.

Now wipe your fucking face off and go swig some damn Scope before you go SWAKing* our asses.

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How Much is That Dildo in the Window?

Back in the late 80's, there used to be a lot of stand-up comedy on TV. I would stay up late and watch something I think was called "Evening at the Improv." I developed my fetish for stand-up comics during those years. There was once this guy who had a bit describing the difference between how men and women shop. He explained that we were still no different from how we were in ancient times, when men were hunters and women were gatherers.

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I have a secret. Wanna be let in on it? Ok... come close...


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Ain't No Lie Baby, Bi Bi Bi

If I were to tell you that I was bisexual, it would be a lie. At least according to my personal definition it would be. I don't define myself as bisexual because I could never see myself in love with a woman.

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Call Me Veronica

Fuck that stupid Caitlin bitch. Veronica was the one who had it right.

Blowjobs aren't just blowjobs.

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What's Love Got to Do With It?

A friend of mine recently said something to me that I've heard a million times from a million different people.

"Sex is better when you're in love."


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A World of Cunning Linguists

Explain something to me, please.

Why is it that men these days are all bragging about how good they are at going down on a woman? At finessing the pink carpet? At eating out at the feminine buffet? Call it what you'd like, the men that respond to my blogs, the ones that I've been talking to personally, the ones that send me unsolicited e-mail... all claim to be the best pussy lickers on the block. Am I missing something? When did proclaiming your oral savvy become the "thing" to do?

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Top Ten Most Awesome Sex Tricks

1. Get Your Own
2. Get Your Own
3. Get Your Own
4. Get Your Own
5. Seriously, figure out your own.
6. Get Your Motherfucking Own.
7. Have you not caught on yet?
8. Piss Off!

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Get Older, Get Wiser, or Get Laid?

Very recently I made the conscientious decision to be single for awhile. I feel really good about that decision, that I'm doing the smart thing, but there's just one little thing that's plaguing me: I need sex.

My birthday is in 3 days. I've just started to hit the "prime" sexual years for a woman. And let me tell you..... sex is more or less always on my mind. There are times when I seriously can't think straight, moments which should be completely innocuous and an x-rated scene will start playing behind my eyeballs. It's overwhelmingly hormonal and it's driving me more than a little bonkers.

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Sex and The Sixth Grader

It's always interesting how much people are willing to reveal about themselves when you're getting to know one another.

I was talking with a new friend last night and he and I were playing that old back and forth game of "Ask me anything." Somewhere down along the line, it is revealed that he lost his virginity at age 11. I started to ask all the typical follow-up questions that one would when information like that is divulged. The whys, the hows, the questions about regret. I in no way want to suggest that I think any less of this person because of this fact, but it really got me to thinking. How young is too young to start being sexually active?

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My Vagina Diatribe

I have a weapon that I've never fully realized how to use. I've used it on a regular basis since I was 14 years old, but I've never mastered the fucking thing. I've never figured out how to wield it's awesome power, to know which degree to use it and when. I thought at different points in my life that I had it down, but then dynamics would change, and I'd have to start collecting data all over again.

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