Rants About Women

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Reconciliation

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Whoa.... Man

Curious thing has happened to me recently that I haven't yet been able to fully figure out. I'm actually starting to like women.

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Where a Woman's Value Lies: My Life Lesson to Midget

Well, Midget… your birthday's coming up soon, so I suppose it's about high time that I taught you the lesson that you would have had to learn on your own. We all know that whatever we learn can't really be used to help those who haven't been there yet. Everyone's got to go through their own heartbreak when the time comes, but I thought I'd put it out there for you to chew on. You're going to be 6. You'll need this information in about 10 years.

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Rack 'Em Up!

My life always seems to revolve around one thing. Somehow, no matter how much I fight it or attempt to turn my back on it, there it is rearing its not-so-ugly head at me again.

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Ew! I Just Got My Punctuation Mark!

I'm a girl. Every month the inevitable happens to me. I dance with my angry friend. He kicks me between the legs and makes me bleed. I really hate that fucker.

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And I Don't Mean Female Dog

I, my friends, am a bitch.

I am not alone either.

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All in a Name: Girlie Edition

My name translates into either "dawn" or "morning star" depending on where you look. But the more interesting thing for me to find out would be to see what my name really means. By that, I'm referring to the image that the name Zara brings up in people's minds. Are Zara's wacky? Zany? Psychotic bitches? I dunno. The problem is that there are really too few of us to have garnered a generalization.

There are other female names out there though, that are in enough of an abundance that I've formulated an opinion on. I've found that the following about each name has been pretty consistant of those that bear the names that have come into my life. This is all in fun folks, so if you get offended over anything I say... remember that you're more than welcome to generalize Zaras as well...

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The Twins and Their Trappings

I love bras. I love pretty, lacy, delicate bras. I love bras with animal print. Bras in bold colored satin. Bras that enhance. Bras that make butt-like cleavage. Bras that cradle my tits so well, make them look so good, that I can't help but feel myself up while I'm wearing them.

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Why Women Fucking Suck (The Part that Was Cut Off)

Personally, I think that we could solve all of this by putting everyone, men as well as women, to a productivity test. We take someone who is good at their job to determine the baseline. Then we do time studies of everyone as they do that job. If you perform the task in 75% of the time that it took the good worker to do it, then you get 75% of the pay. If you do it faster, you get more. That way everyone could just shut the fuck up about it.

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Why Women Fucking Suck

I don't trust women very well. I want to, but I haven't had a great track record with female friends over the years. I thought I would compile a list of the reasons why women suck for your amusement.

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I AM This Girl

Enough with the "nice guy" and "nice girl" bullshit. We can kid ourselves all we want, but being willing to hold someone's hand or open a door for them just isn't going to cut it in today's world. We sorely need a more realistic list.

Guess who made one??? 



1. I am the kind of girl who will NOT repeatedly ask you "What are you thinking?" until you unsuccessfully attempt to provide the answer that I have pre-designated as correct.

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Things Men Should Know About Women

So I've been noticing that there a lot of people who have posted lists of things that men should know about women in their blogs as I've been browsing around our little "myuniverse". Most of them are true in a generalized sense, several mention something about shoes and ALL of them need an Awesome make-over. (Oooooo, and just in time for Valentine's Day!)

So listen up boys! I'm about to sell out the sisterhood and give you a glance behind the pink curtain. Bookmark this, print it out and stick it on the fridge, do what you need to, just make sure you tell everyone who you got it from.

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I'm Pretty! (Funny, That Is)

I've never been the pretty girl.


Now don't start sending me glowing little remarks on how I shouldn't be so hard on myself, blah blah blah, insert pantomimed gagging. I'm not saying that in some pathetic attempt to elicit attention. I'm stating, as fact, that I've never been remembered as the pretty girl. And I'm perfectly OK with that.

I've been remembered as the smart girl, the one that could hold a conversation without the other person internally rolling their eyes in aggrivation. I have never cornered a man and started a dissertation on why Nick and Jessica's marriage fell apart, punctuated every so often with "like," "um," or "yeahhhh." I've never been at a party where I'm the only one who doesn't understand the topic being discussed and has to ask, "Google.com, that's a funny name. Is that your website?"

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Stop Humping Me, I've Got a Girlfriend!

A good friend of mine was recently bemoaning to me about the absurd nature of women. (Us girls? Absurd? Unthinkable!) He was lamenting on the fact that when he is single, he never gets hit on, but now that he's happily involved, he's got girls surrounding him like dogs in heat. The old adage of: "When you need it, you can't get it. When you don't need it, you've suddenly got too much of it."

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Why Do Women Enjoy Fucking With Men So Much?

Age old question. Why is it that women love to see how far they can push men? How many things that they can get men to do for them? How many times that they can subject men to their rapid mood changes and never-ending stream of bullshit?

Why do we do these things? Because we can. Because men LET us.

It really comes down to one simple thing that I've mentioned before, but I'll repeat for those who might not have been listening. Women get to fuck whomever they choose; Men have to fuck whomever will let them. Sure, it's a crass way of saying it, but it's pretty damn true. Women are the ones that give permission for the sexual act. Now, I'm sure that there will be a few of you men who will pipe up that there are some women that you would never deem worthy enough to have access to your winkie, but they'd have to make advances on you in order for you to turn them away. (Although, the sight of one of you walking up to an ugly chick and telling her, "There's no way I'm going to let you rock this cock" is a funny mental image.) The first aspect of this argument is that, whether you like it or not guys, us girls will always have the final say over the "promised land."

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She Looks Just Like a Pollack

I was having lunch with my friend John today when the subject of the 'perfect woman' came up. John's girlfriend recently broke up with him because (amongst other things, that picky bitch) she said he was too obsessed with 'perfect' women.

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