All in a Name: Boy Edition

zara's picture

There are certain things that come to mind when you hear a name. Yesterday I tackled some of the more common girl names and gave them their generalizations. Today I'm working over the boys.

Again, this is all in fun. Fuck... why am I even bothering saying that? Everyone that responded was positive. I have yet to have heard a negative reaction as I sit here and start to write this now. Does this mean that you readers like it when I'm in an onery mood? You weirdos.


Alex - Alex is a loyal motherfucker. He'll help you push your car when it breaks down, bail you out of jail and tell you "not to worry" about the fees and recognizes that a friend's ex-girlfriend is off limits. Alex, however, is a fucking pushover when it comes to the women in his life, allowing them to walk all over him and destroy his sense of manhood when around his friends.

Andrew - Andrew is a dick. He's a frat boy with no regard for anyone's needs other than his own. And he's proud of the fact that he is this way. He'll boldly walk into a room and announce: "I'm an asshole and you know you love me!" Andy, however, is a sweetheart borderlining on being a simpy douchebag. Andy's will let you borrow their shit, and when you return it broken, will be too soft to yell at you about it.

Brian - Brian is a nice guy. A really, really, toothachingly nice guy. He's easy to walk all over and realizes he's getting walked all over but doesn't really mind. Brian is laid-back to the point of fucking obnoxiousness.

David - David is an arrogant prick. He's the kind of guy who'll fuck your sister, get her pregnant and deny fatherhood even after the DNA results are in. David likes expensive shit and will find a way to get it - on your dime. David is a leech-bag douche. Dave, however, will let you borrow his truck to move and buy you the first keg for your new home. Dave is a kickass dude.

Michael - Michael is thoughtful, considerate and a loyal friend. Michael always has the answers to your questions and is more than willing to give them to you. Mike is a self-centered fucktard who always says the wrong thing at the wrong time and lives to try and humiliate people. Mike will lie, cheat and steal his way into your life, leaving a shit trail behind him everywhere he goes.

Jason - There is no better person to party with than a Jason. Jason knows where all the best bands are playing, knows how to work his way into a place and not pay the cover and even scores free drinks without breaking a sweat. Jason is so charming, you won't even notice that he's been fucking you and your best friend at the same time. But if you do notice, you won't care, since Jason is an incredible fuck.

Nick - Nick is gay. If Nick claims to be straight, he's harboring unresolved homosexual issues. Nick will drink himself into obilivion and proclaim his masculinity as a way to put up a smokescreen to how gay he really is, but no one ever buys it.

Josh - Josh is a fun-going dude, always a welcome addition at a party and never without his share of jokes and funny stories. Beware of Joshua, who is very unlike Josh, and is an obnoxious pseudo-intellectual who will try to mock everything you say in a pathetic attempt to cover up his inadequacies.

Richard - Richard is an great guy, honest, kind and true. He'll always answer the phone for you, no matter the time of night and listen to you rant incoherantly about your shit without ever voicing his irritation. Beware of Rick though, as Rick is a wanna-be player who will kiss up to you in private and talk shit to you behind your back to all his friends.

Matthew - Matthew is an anal-retentive know-it-all who doesn't know shit. He'll try to tear apart your ideas and opinions, then later play them off as if they were his own because he's got zero imagination. His partner in crime is Matt, who is the kind of guy that plays the sidekick to other assholes, usually Andrews, trailing behind them and snickering in agreement to everything his master says.

John - John is one of the coolest guys that anyone could meet. He's a partyer without letting it veer into the annoying, a ladies man without being a player. He's a smart guy, a funny guy and the kind of guy that you want to be friends with. As a boyfriend John is attentive and receptive, but can be borderline smothering.

Steve - Not to be confused with Steven (also posing as Stephen), who can be a morally condemning assmunch, Steve is the ultimate guy's guy, but not in the bad way. He's a sports nut, a car fanatic and a T&A man. Steve's biggest flaw is that he will make the mistake of complimenting another girl's ass while with his signifigant other.

Ben - Ben kicks ass. Enough said.

Ian - Ian is fucking awesome. Period.

Robert - Robert is a kickass drummer in a kickass rockabilly band. He's tall, hot, and the known inspiration for blogs entitled "The Measure of a Man."


I've come to the part where I begin to lose (yeah, minor tangent here: Will you fucking people learn that "lose" is to misplace something and "loose" is what happened to your mama's pussy when she pushed out your ignorant ass?) interest in the fun little game that I started and leave it open-ended enough for you readers to tell me what names I missed.

Has anyone noticed that I've begun to get a little burnt out? *pout* I sure have.


Comments

Omg, this is like the dating girl's Exam Key

A few names I'd like to see someone do something with (not me because I'm not funny)

Jonathan: Naive, passionate, unambitious, slow.

Scott: follower instead of a leader, no tact

James/Jim: think "poet". the end.

Other sites you should visit: Wear Funny Quotes!