All in a Name: Girlie Edition

My name translates into either "dawn" or "morning star" depending on where you look. But the more interesting thing for me to find out would be to see what my name really means. By that, I'm referring to the image that the name Zara brings up in people's minds. Are Zara's wacky? Zany? Psychotic bitches? I dunno. The problem is that there are really too few of us to have garnered a generalization.

There are other female names out there though, that are in enough of an abundance that I've formulated an opinion on. I've found that the following about each name has been pretty consistant of those that bear the names that have come into my life. This is all in fun folks, so if you get offended over anything I say... remember that you're more than welcome to generalize Zaras as well...



Amber - Amber's are sweet, caring, considerate and some of the most loyal friends that I've had. They're also extremely gullible, have a tendency to drink too much and could be best classified as ditzes or space cases. They're really good people, they're just not all that bright.

Alison - This is a name I am conflicted on. While I have known some really sweet Alison's in my life and while most of the ones that I've known have been soft-spoken and soft of heart, I've found that those who are more commonly referred to as "Ali" are the more loyal friends, and those that used their entire moniker can be some of the most devious bitches you will ever meet.

Danielle - Danielle's are bitches. Not that they're bad people, but boy can they rip you to shreads if you so much as look at them in a manner that they've decided is unfit for their mood that day. They're tempermental, unpredictable and fucking MOODY in a cap-locked kinda way. I can get along just fine with a Danielle, but usually only in small intervals.

Jessica - Easy. Snobs... and completely clueless that they are. Jessica's are some of the most self-centered people you will ever meet, and yet will claim with vehemence that they are "down to Earth" and make your life hell if you disagree. Jessicas can be decent if they are more commonly referred to by a nickname like Jess, or Jessie, but as a Jessica... they're just so not worth my time.

Jennifer - Needy, clingy, emotional, argumentative and accusatory. If you've ever been the female friend of a guy that is dating a Jennifer, look out. Be prepared to be called names for no reason other than breathing. Be prepared to have a sweet smile to your face followed by someone calling you on the phone, relating a story of something a Jennifer was saying about you behind your back. If you make it a Jenny, you can also add hormonal bitch to the description.

Melissa - Sweet, kind, gets taken advantage of by men. Melissa's are easy to get along with, the first people you want to call up and go drinking with when you've had a bad day, and the only people that you know that you can implicitly trust with secrets. Melissa's are good people, but you have to watch out for them, because people are always trying to take advantage of their good natures, and unfortunately Melissas tend not to learn their lessons.

Sarah - Almost every Sarah that I have ever know has been impossibly beautiful. They are also some of the most decent people as well, so it's extremely difficult to hate them for being so flawless. They're almost erethreal creatures, blessing everyone that they encounter with their presence. They can be borderline anal-retentive or OCD with perfection in their lives, and will work themselves into breakdowns.

Heather - Heathers are demented, yet loveable psychos. They'll back you up in a bar fight, and even make you forget that it was their fault you were even in a bar fight to begin with. Heathers flake and space out almost as much as Ambers, and tend to shift loyalties at the drop of a hat or their panties. Heathers are RULED by their men. If you are friends with a single Heather that starts dating a guy, be prepared to not hear from her until a couple months later, when she drunkenly calls you and tells you she's sitting outside of his apartment with a Molotav cocktail in her hand, saying she's going to throw it through his bedroom window.

Stephanie - Another confliction for me. I've known nice Stephanies and Stephanies that were utter cuntrags. The nicknames never help in determining which from which, you just have to sit through a few weeks of friendship to figure it out. Universally true about Stephanies is that they're sluts. They'll fuck anything and everything that will give them the time of day, even the clock in Times Square. They're big time cheaters, and tell scores of "little white lies." They are a fucking kickass addition to a big party though.

Rebecca - Doesn't matter if it's Rebecca, Becky, Becca or any other nickname, these chicks steal EVERYTHING. They're the most duplicitous of any name that I've ever known, will do or say anything to get what they want out of you and then fuck you over and pretend that they've never seen you before. These are the girls that will fuck your boyfriend not because they like him, but because they want to pull a Single White Female on your ass. You can never convince a Rebecca that she's wrong, even when you have black and white proof in front of her face. Rebeccas are unnecessarily arrogant and insistant that there's no right way but their way.

Shannon - Sweet and usually fat girls, Shannon's are the type who will follow a guy around until he's too drunk to notice what a fucking mess she is. Not messy in appearance, but emotionally, Shannon's are complete basketcases who would form a bond with a house plant if they thought it was giving them the come-hither eye. Shannon's are the first girl a guy will borrow money from, knowing that she'll wuss out in bothering to ask for it back.

Stacy - This is a whole new breed of neurotic girl. Stacy's second-guess everything that is related to them and is the girl that is constantly talking, even after everyone has left the party in order to avoid them. They tend to be really smart, but don't know when to just let basic common sense take over. Stacy's are also the biggest tightwads that you'll ever meet, making going to a restaurant a fucking chore as they whip out a calculator to figure out the exact nickle and dime that a tip should equal.

Erica - Simply and eloquantly put... Erica's are fucking ballbusters.


Here is where I trail off incoherantly and let you fill in the blanks where filling in the blanks is necessary. Tomorrow I'll give the guys their equal time...

And if you hated this blog, then go read The Ian's (you have to read it for me, I've heard it's got something too scary for me to deal with in it) instead and don't bitch to me about not having something to entertain you on your Hump Day...