And a One, And a Two, And a 3some...

Three's company. Three's a crowd. Buy three, get one free.

Oh, yeah. And the almighty threesome.

What is it with us as a nation that we need to over-consume? We buy huge amount of food from Costco, drive Hummers that get 3 miles to the gallon on the freeway and need American Idol to be aired more than one night a week. Gimmee, gimmee, gimmee. Just can't get enough.

The threesome is a huge topic these days. When people start discussing their sexual histories, the questions usually go from: "When did you lose your virginity?" to "How many people have you slept with?" to "Have you ever had a threesome?"

I'll answer the third question for you. Yes. Yes. Oh, and yes.

My first threesome was with a boyfriend of mine (we shall call him D) who happened to be bi. When a friend of his came over to hang out with us one night, a friend that I knew he had been attracted to but would never be down for any guy action, I pushed for a little action.

It started with coy jokes, teasing comments about how it would sure be fun to "play" with them both. D had spoken with me about his fantasies and I had mentioned some of mine. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye to assess if I was ok with the attention I was soliciting. I nodded. His friend caught on and next thing I knew, I was in a very uncomfortable position.

When I say that, I'm not saying that I ended up doing things that I didn't want to do. By "uncomfortable," I mean that I ended up tied to a bed by my hands and feet, unable to control the situation. I'm a control freak. The entire set-up drove me crazy. I'm a giver, not a receiver, dammit!

But that night I received a lot. And I enjoyed it all. After a few hours, we all went over to a local restaurant to meet up with some of our other friends. The three of us giggled over our milkshakes and responded with cackling "Nothing!"s when asked what the fuck we were all laughing about.

So, score a good experience with the first threesome. A very happy, very fun, very well understood of the intentions experience. Too bad the same couldn't be said for my second one.

I was invited to be in a threesome with a married couple that I knew. They had been casual friends of mine for a little while and one day I come to find out from her that he had a thing for me and she wanted to do the set-up as a gift for him. I was intrigued. I wasn't all that attracted to her and she made it clear that she wasn't into girls, but just the idea of going through with it was exciting to me.

Most of the action revolved around him taking turns on us, although he did manage to convince us to kiss once and fondle one another's breasts. It was a strange deal in that while he would work on one, the other of us either had to watch or take matters into our own hands. Frankly, it ended up boring me. Well, that is up until I got smacked.

Yes, I was winner of the orgasm lotto and she took that moment as an opportunity to take offense with the entire shebang. Seeing him panting heavily, his happy smile plastered across his face, it took mere nanoseconds for her to look at me, draw back her arm and smack me hard right across the face.

See, I was the one in the wrong for making him cum.

Needless to say, I am a very firm believer that threesomes should never involve a couple. While I understand that there are those people who are ok with swinging, let me tell you something guys: If your girl has never expressed interest in being with a woman and wants to "give" you a threesome, RUN THE FUCK AWAY. They think they're being cool, but it will hurt them and they will regret it and take it out on you or the other female in harsh ways.

If you really have to get yourself some 2 girl action, just don't be involved with either of them. Oh, and don't have them be sisters because that's just creepy.

I must add that there was another threesome that I participated in which was interesting on a level which I don't really know how to explain. I was the "toy" at one point for a lesbian couple that I was friends with. After hanging out with them all night and ingesting much alcohol and herb, they began to joke that they could "do a number" on me.

Hey! I was under the influence! I tried to stop them, I swear!

Yeah, right. I ended up in a similar position as the first threesome I had, minus the ropes and the dick. Everything was done to me and I wasn't required to reciprocate any of it. I have never felt so much like a man in my entire life. (Juuuuuuuust kidding.)

Moral of the story here, kiddies, is that threesomes are great if everyone is cool with them. Don't have one with a girl/boyfriend or spouse unless you know they have a little interest in the same sex or have at least expressed interest in it for a considerable amount of time. If their decision seems spur of the moment, chances are it's a decision that they'll regret.

Damn. Now that I've developed a late-in-life set of morals, I'll never get to enjoy a threesome again. Well, hell.



Discussion of the Day:

Have you ever had a threesome? Was the experience positive or negative for you?

If you've never been in one, would you? What is the draw (or repulsion) for you?