Another Day...

zara's picture

Yesterday didn't make much sense. Well, the day was alright but the post sucked balls, figuratively speaking. My figuratives were all screwy and I'm not sure if I understood what I was trying to get across any more than anyone reading might have been able to decipher. I'm rusty at this, I hope you'll forgive my follies as I struggle through them.

Another day, another drama. I just texted that to my buddy Paul and it's the best way to sum it up. It's been a house of misery up in this mofo lately. I'm facing it now, not trying to see it through the view when I had my head up my ass.

I love the man. The man who used to love me. Where that all went awry, I'm not sure. He's said that he's not clear either.

Is there going to be an end in sight? I believe that that'll only happen in death's wake. Life is a constant struggle, from the lowest of the lowly to those who should be able to buy off their troubles. Because every single day you get up and you keep breathing and you keep moving. You keep working and thinking. You keep loving and hating. You keep keeping.

I used to buy into the thought process that anti-depressants stifled your ability to think clearly. As someone who suffers from depression that went untreated for so long, as someone who is now being medicinally treated for that depression, I can say that those worries were unfounded. If anything, I can think again. How I operated back in the day during the last low bout, I... well, I'm damn fucking lucky I found my Boy. If not for him, I don't know where or even if I'd be here.

I love you, B. I always will. It's nifty to know that through it all, you've still got my back after all these years and even with all these miles between us. If ever there was a time to believe in a spiritual connection, a soulful one, it's with us.

I'm also lucky that I found the audience of readers on MySpazz. Those who still find my posts here, years later. Who act as if I picked up right where I dropped off. I haven't forgotten you. All of those emails, all of that communication that kept me afloat, made me buoyant with the knowledge that I was not alone and my voice was still coming through loud and clear. They were my Prozac back in the day.

My Prozac is my Prozac now. And hopefully the writing will keep on coming.

The universe delivered me this gift, I was told. Here I am, busting it out of the box again, dusting it off, remembering how great it is. That there was a reason I didn't donate it to the Salvation Army. Didn't stick it out on the curb to be swarmed over and picked clean until all that was left was a wilted, damp, oversized stuffed bear.

That one was for you. I can see you smiling. I can hear that ball squeaking beneath your butt. Did you dare squee just a little?

I am awesome.

Read me roar.


RoQStar's picture

All that time, hadn't

All that time, hadn't forgotten the keyboard with little to no visible letters, typing off memory, kicking out blogs, leaving a quote I carry with me to this day - your words, your way - to think now I never got your email, hoping all was/is well and here you are, Roaring as if the Jungle forgot your paw prints. Walk softly..

~RoQkin' out wit ma C*Qk out! Watch, your eye...

I am glad you didn't donate

I am glad you didn't donate your gift. This is Beth in PA, still in PA. So glad to read your words again.

PA Beth

I hate my meds sometimes but

I hate my meds sometimes but I've tried and found out that I'd rather take them and hate it sometimes than not and hate everything. Maybe I just need to start smoking again.

There is no 'I' in 'We'

Wow! I've been on here for 5 years?? When I first started reading you, I was at the lowest point in my life (even though I didn't know it). Looking back I can see how being part of your interactive blogging group helped me get through the days in the beginning. Even when I was just reading, I was part of something when I, otherwise, felt completely alone.

Depression stifled my ability to think clearly.

It took me a long time to learn how to stop struggling against life, but I did. In fact, today I rarely struggle with anything. I've learned it's not about having what I want -- it is about wanting what I have. Life didn't change but I did. And life is fantastic!

So, yeah, there IS an end in sight that's much better than death's wake. Glad you're writing again so I can be part of the journey.

© 2021 Awesome Zara. All rights reserved.