The Awesome Guide to Drinking

zara's picture

I mentioned yesterday how I'm not a big drinker, but that when I do drink, it tends to be in massive quantities. My tolerance is ridiculously high under normal circumstances, and I can count on one hand the number of times that I have thrown up after drinking. (All of which involved a car ride where I wasn't the driver. Lovely thing, carsickness.) But the number one thing that impresses people is that I have never gotten a hangover.

That's right. Not once, not ever. I hear people complaining of suffering from pounding headaches, agonizing muscle aches and the general sensation of having been hit by a train. I've never been there. Trying to get hungover people to explain to me what it feels like usually garners me a dirty look and on one occasion landed me a fist on the side on my head.

There are rules of drinking that I live by. Some people who have taken the time to listen to me ramble about them and then decided that they would try following them have declared that they tend to work fairly well. So I figured I would share them today, as we are about to enter the almighty weekend.


RULE ONE: DRINK THE MOTHERFUCKIN' OCEAN.


I will drink at least a gallon of water throughout the day that I know I will be drinking. Since I'm not a casual drinker (in my definition: someone who regularly has one or two drinks throughout the week) and tend to save my indulgences for certain occasions, I know to plan in advance. I start the day drinking water and don't drink any other beverage throughout the day until I trade the H2O for Jagerbombs.

I haven't done any scientific research as to why this seems to help, but according to my friends who have adopted this rule, they have had lower grade or non-existent headaches the day after being drunk.It means a little bit of careful planning and focus (remembering to not reach for a Black Cherry Vanilla Coke during lunchtime is a hard thing to do), but it might end up being well worth it for you.


RULE TWO: PRETEND YOU'RE NICOLE RICHIE


That's right. Don't eat. If you're going to be drinking later in the evening, stop eating at lunchtime. Give yourself at least 6-8 hours of no food ingestion. I've always hated the advice that you should eat a big meal before you drink because the food will pad your stomach and absorb the alcohol. Yeah, it also means that you're going to have a whole lot to be chucking up after you guzzle down.

People make the stupidest decisions about which foods to eat before drinking as well. Every time that I bear witness to some fool puking after a night of drinking, that expelled product contains some of worst food possible to see come back up. I've personally seen carne asada burritos, supreme pizzas and the greasy noodles and meat from the slop we all love to get at the Mongolian BBQ. Shouldn't you be asking yourself: Is this going to hurt if it makes a reappearance in a non downward motion? Seems logical enough a question to me.

The last time I attended a UFC party at Stacy's, he spent a couple hours upset with me for not trying his spicy chicken wings. I ended up eating two, and they were even better than he had claimed they were, but I broke my main rule. See, since it takes me a good number of drinks to be affected by liquor, having the empty stomach will help me to feel drunk in half the amount of time it normally would take me. This is especially helpful when drinking at a bar and spending money on overpriced alcohol there.


RULE THREE: PLAY IT STRAIGHT AND KEEP IT SIMPLE


Every person should know about not mixing drinks by now. If you have beer and then transition into hard liquor, be prepared to have that decision ultimately backfire on you. I also advocate that you not switch brands if you decide to stick to beer. Drink the same brew straight through the night. If you change, don't go back to original label. Stick to brand number two for the remainder of the evening.

Mixed drinks are also a disaster waiting to happen. The more sugar in a cocktail or shot, the higher the likelihood of you making nice with the porcelain gods later in the evening. (By sugar, I mean everything from regular sodas to juices to grenadine and more) I've always felt that the best route to go is to drink straight shots. I don't drink beer (can't stand the taste. But I love a fresh beer kiss from someone who's been drinking it... go figure) and I need to be in the mood for wine, but I'll gladly gulp down vodka as if tomorrow were the re-initiation of prohibition.

Now, if you absolutely MUST have a mixed drink, keep it as simple as possible. I'm a big fan of Cape Cods, which are simply vodka with cranberry juice. Screwdrivers are also good, but since the quality of the orange juice varies wildly from bar to bar, I recommend special ordering that combo with Absolut Citron. If you don't specify, the establishment that you patronize will serve you your drink with their house brand. "House brand" being code for: "cheapest shit we serve." So be specific and ask for better shit. This rule applies to all other cocktails as well. (Aside from Screwdrivers, the other most commonly abused drink is the Rum & Coke. Order it with diet and pick a quality rum of your choice.)

Stephanie introduced me to Jagerbombs recently, and while you'll never catch me drinking an energy drink during the day, let alone Red Bull specific, it makes for a nice combo with Jager... but I digress.

There are really only 3 strong rules to follow. Hell, any more and the chance of you remembering them while you're out on a pub crawl will go from minimal to infinitesimal. They haven't steered me wrong so far, and they've worked for a good number of the people I know. I don't promise positive results for everyone, but if it works for you, I'll settle for a "You're Awesome!" and some Nutella.

I just won't eat it before heading over for the next UFC. 

Comments

Heather the Angel's picture

yup

I've been doing the water all day before for a long time. I almost never have so much as a headache.

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