Brian Responds

zara's picture

I got a response from Brian, the boyfriend from high school that I talk about in the latest blog currently posted on Myspazz. I was tempted to post it there, but I thought that it was better saved for those of you who care enough to support me here.

I gave Brian too little credit. He understood me far better than I really knew. There was quite a bit that he didn't know about me, things that no one knows aside from myself and a select person, stuff which

drove me into being a little more than paranoid and delusional, but for the most part... he actually got me.

The following is a repost of the e-mail that he sent to me:

" I didn't want to post this in the blog comments in case you don't like some or all of what I say. But you are welcome to post any/all of it that you want to share.

First off, apology accepted. And thank you - that was nice. LOL - you've now been called nice. See, it doesn't hurt so bad, does it?

I felt a lot of irony reading what you said. Emotionally speaking, I was a terrible communicator back then, and I preferred to keep my mouth shut and internalize my feelings most of the time instead of speaking up and being misunderstood.

At any rate, I find it funny that you kick yourself for "mistreating" me in ways that I not only didn't mind at the time, but actually craved. Your sisters called me the "slave" for picking them up from school. I was doing it as much out of kindness to them as I was out of friendship with you. And I enjoyed doing theose things. Was I supposed to say "no" to my girlfriend when she asked for a family favor like that? Please. The same applies to the other stuff - Snapple runs, midnight Kinkos runs to make copies of Phantasmagoria, runs to Smiths or wherever to get Brachs candy by the bulk, whatever. I minded doing absolutely zero of that. Maybe that makes me the "oft self-dreading" nice guy, I don't know. I've just always thought of myself as a caring and helpful person. I'm not ashamed of that. I can't and wouldn't change that about me.

Ironically, when I'd hang out with my guy friends we did nothing most of the time because we had no direction. We'd sit around playing the "I dunno, what do you wanna do?" game for hours, and then call it a night. You gave me direction. Granted, you did go heavy on the direction at times, but it sure as hell beat being bored and doing nothing. I actually liked that about you. One of the reasons you were such a kick to hang out with was we did new things. China Lake, Solvang, Santa Barbara, those were all a big change of pace for me. Hell, my friends could never agree on a movie to see. I loved seeing movies, and you were great because we'd actually go (instead of just talking about it).

If I ever resented you for anything, it was your attitude towards yourself and other people (mostly my guy friends). You kept a degree of separation between me and a few of the guys I'd known for years, in what was essentially our last year together before college. That sucked. I could get over the fact that you didn't want anything to do with them. You prejudged them based on knowing very little about them, but you were too headstrong for me to do anything about that. I just could have done without the guilt you threw at me for defending them. They were my friends. Of course I'd defend them. For the record, they never said a negative thing about you (well, not until we were broken up), despite your paranoid beliefs to the contrary. They didn't like you very much, no doubt, but they respected my desire to be with you. That was cool.

The real kicker though was how I saw you treating yourself. You were at once both self-gratifying and self-destructive. I'm sure I don't know the whole story, and I'm hardly qualified to be a Zara psychologist (cue the laugh track), but from what I could see you were smart enough to be a lot more successful academically, and you claimed you wanted to be more successful (getting into honors classes, for example). But as soon as you got there you let something get between you and the success you should have had. You let it take the form of a personal feud between you and the teacher, but IMO it seemed like you were afraid to give someone else that much power over you. Like, if you made it outwardly obvious that you wanted to do well in class, the teacher now had power to hurt you, and rather than take the risk and see what happened, you self-destructed it first. "I'm gonna hurt myself so that you can't hurt me!" Something like that. I foolishly thought I could try to change your nature, but whatever support I tried to give you didn't do any good. You never knew it, but I took some of those failures personally myself.

And it wasn't just school and grades. I saw similar behavior in other areas, but I wasn't able to really put it all together coherently in my mind then. It just drove me crazy that someone who was such a cool, funny, refreshingly different, and wise-beyond-her-years person to all of her friends had so much inner turmoil. Back then I thought it should have been easy to just "fix it." Boy, was I naive - it isn't easy for anyone to recognize their faults, much less actually address them (and I'm talking about adults; hell, we were just teenagers!). But I still wished you had made more of an effort, for your own sake.

I think the spirit of your blog is right, but I also think it depicts our relationship a bit unfairly. We had genuine fun for the first few months, didn't we? I sure did. It wasn't until maybe May or thereabouts that things got messy between us. I blame myself as much as I do you. I should have stood up to you more and told you why I was frustrated. You knew I was, but I don't know if you understood why. Eh, miscommunication and misunderstanding. That's teenage life, I suppose. In the end I don't regret it for a minute."

Thanks, Brian. I almost wish I'd've been strong enough to share myself more with you at that time.

Comments

Budo7's picture

Everyone deserve's to have

Everyone deserve's to have love, first you need to love yourself. Relax enjoy yourself, don't beat yourself up any more.

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Excellence in action

AZ, this is one of the better pieces of retrospection I have seen in some time. Kudos to Brian for putting it out there and Kudos to you for sharing something that doesn't exactly support the "omniscient" vibe that occasionally colors your writing. (I dig it but its nice to see some humanizing content to balance the "Awesome" ;) The section on self destructive behavior could be cut and pasted onto a letter about me or a dozen people I know and it would ring equally true. Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory is an easy way to keep yourself unhappy but at least you control the terms right? I wish it wasn't so. Oh, and for what it's worth, Brian, if you read this, you really do sound like a good guy but keep in mind that it looks like the relationship made you a better man. Thats the cool thing about the good relationships. It's not that they try to change you but you simply change with the experience. If you have the right attitude even bad relationships are ultimately constructive (Excluding abuse) as they tend to teach us things about how we see ourselves and how we interact with others.

Or maybe thats just me,
Nobody puts baby in the corner

If only everyone had the

If only everyone had the chance to go and find out the truth behind past relationships and why they didn't work, with such honesty and respect. You are a lucky woman to have found someone who genuinely cared enough
to take the time to be honest. I hope you stay in touch with Brian.

Brian's song . .

I can relate with Brian. I'm goin' thru somethin' similiar . . . Thanks for sharing something so personal.

R

I think I know this relationship

Sounds like mine from high school. Of course my crazy girl friend was going to slash the cheeks of the ex girlfriend with a razor blade, well you can't be perfect Zara.

Sounds like you still have the same problems Zara "I don't deserve a nice guy", come on girl, let go of that crap.

CCryder4Q's picture

Awesome....indeed.

I am, first of all, awe struck by the fact that I have been allowed to bear witness.
To love....in action.
Amazing thing....this box of circuits that connects me to other's minds. And hearts.
Cue the music....and fade to black.

I wish you had been strong enough, too

But you are lucky, Zara. Although it's too late to have this man as a lover again, you have the next best thing - honesty and insight from him. It seems that you are still beating yourself up for your treatment of Brian, while he remembers you fondly, with respect and love. I hope that as you look at your young self through his eyes, you can forgive yourself and take it a little EASY on your Self! Sheesh, you are AWESOME, remember? And while a goddess, only human, too.

Valorie

I've been going through some

I've been going through some relationship turmoil tonight too. I really wish my exes would just sit me down and be honest--say what their perpective is of what happened between us. I think I was so eager in my search for the truth--the questioning, just to understand--that they all shut down.

I wish it were easy, but the things I most want I really don't feel I deserve. Maybe, they could help me understand where that comes from.

Wow, sounds like a genuine

Wow, sounds like a genuine and thoughtful guy. Brian is alright in my book.

- R3V

I like Brian and I don't

I like Brian and I don't even know him.

GO CARDS!

Kal El's picture

Brian

Brian has more respect an balls than any other guy I have met to respond like this. His response is genuine, kind, descriptive (in what I feel is a helpful way) and Zara if you don't try and get him back you may miss out one of us "nice guys" one to many times. Just my opinion, of course I am also one of these "nice guys" so I'm just supporting a brutha.
Kal El

zara's picture

Can't get him back, silly

Can't get him back, silly man. He's married.

And like I said... I don't want to end up with a "nice guy" at least not right now, because I don't really feel like I deserve one.

Sheesh

Quit beating yourself up woman. I think you do deserve a nice guy. You ahve a wonderful personality , sense of humor , and a nice body to boot. We all have made our own mistakes in everyrelationship we have been in. Especially when we were young. It seems he has forgiven you so why cant you forgive your self ?

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