Building Friction (Part 18)

The next day during my lunch hour, I decided to call Alex's office and see if I could get a hold of Geoff. The receptionist who answered was perky, announcing the company name in a clip of a voice then asking how she could direct my call.

"I'm looking for Geoff Peterson," I responded.

"One second," came the happy clip. Within a few seconds, Geoff's voice was greeting me. "Geoff Peterson's office, how can I help you?"

I froze. "Hello?" His voice asked, sounding puzzled.

"Hi," I said quietly. There was an awkward pause, the type that occurs when the person knows who it is and isn't sure how to reply. "If you have a second, I'd like to talk to you."

"You have about half of that," he said, his voice flat.

"About the other night," I realized how cliche it sounded as it escaped me. "I was hoping that we could put it past us."

"I've already put it past me. Sounds like you're the one who still needs to deal with it." I could hear him huff and a chair squeak in the background like he was settling back into it.

"Steph already told me that you've been going over to the house. I know that you're not all that happy with me, and I'd like to see if there's some way to resolve that." I bit at my thumbnail and paced in the empty classroom.

"There isn't anything to resolve, Chloe. There's nothing. You made that pretty clear the other night." His voice still sounded void of emotion.

"It was an impulsive decision. I don't normally do those sorts of things. I..."

He cut me off. "Yes, you're a shining example of what women are supposed to be doing with their lives. You cut men off at the knees if they get to close to you and ruffle your serene waters. You talk out of both sides of your mouth at the same time. There was a part of me that hoped it was all some elaborate set-up. That there might be something more to you than the girl who has all the answers in one hand and then keeps repeating that she's 'still learning' in the other. You think you made the wrong decision with me? Well, let me tell you something, Chloe. It's the other way around. I made the wrong decision with YOU." He paused.

I had no idea how to respond. Part of me wanted to start screaming that he was an asshole, but in my heart, his words cut deeply. I did write as if I had things all figured out. I explained so much and then would divulge that I knew very little. My mouth opened and closed silently several times before I heard him speak again.

"So, are we done here?" he asked.

"No." I answered instinctively.

"Well, what else is there to add? I thought I was pretty clear about you not being clear. This isn't my issue, Chloe. This is something that you need to deal with on your own." He stopped. I could sense him waiting.

"You're right on a lot of things. Is that what you want me to say? Do you want me to admit that you have me figured out? Well, as figured out as someone can figure out a person who still has no clue who they are." I bit my lip.

"You're talking in circles again, and I really don't have the time for it. So I'm pretty sure we're done here." I could hear the chair squeak again. He was sitting forward.

"Answer me one thing," I said.

"What's that?" He sighed deeply.

"Why were you attracted to me in the first place? If I'm so awful, what was it that made you keep coming around? And don't tell me that it was just because you found me attractive, because that's a cop-out." I stopped pacing and held my breath as I waited for his answer.

There was a long pause. "Fine. I'll tell you what it was. You're the epitome of the walking contradiction. You write one way and act another. You say how you despise me and in the next breath are kissing me with an intensity that I've never felt before. You could have pulled off that bet with minimal involvement, but you didn't do that. And don't tell me that you did it out of some bullshit acting claim. You were just as much in that moment as I was. And you were just as much in that moment when we were in the bathroom. You act the bitch and then I see you with your friends. You're a pussy cat. You claim to be so hardcore, but you're a teacher for Christ sake!"

"So, I'm a contradiction. What the fuck does that have to do with attraction?" I furrowed my brow.

"Jesus! Are you hard of hearing? Do I really need to spell it out for you? I LIKE contradictions, Chloe! The concept of self-identity is bullshit. You say you know who you are and then you admit you know nothing. You think you want this to be put past us, but all you would have needed to do was leave it alone. But you didn't! You called to find some kind of resolution. I was prepared to never speak to you again. Not because I didn't want to but because that was what I figured you wanted. You know why I've been talking shit about you? Because I figured you'd become one of those predictable bitches who was so certain of what she wanted, and it enraged me to no end. You don't know what you want. You date the safe guy, but you fuck me. While I loathe to admit it, your lack of committal to one definitive thing drives me insane in a way that I can't put my finger on." He took a deep breath.

"Are you finished?" I asked timidly.

"No. I take back that last part. I CAN put my finger on it. You and your contradictions, as much as they enrage me, fascinate me. I wish I could just stop thinking about you. I wish I could just walk away from this, but I can't. And that, dearest, delusional little one, is what infuriates me to the point of insanity. That is what gets me over to the house, drinking and cursing your existence. So as soon as you can tell me how to stop thinking about you every other fucking minute of the day is when we can put this past 'us.' Until then, it's always going to be an issue." He stopped and took another breath. "Which means we are now through here."

I felt shell-shocked. "OK," I mumbled. I heard the phone click and the line go dead. I stood in silence for a minute before flipping my phone closed and then open again. I dialed Steph. She picked up in two rings.

"I talked to him," I said softly.

"So? What happened? Did you apologize? Is he going to keep coming around?" I could hear her walking to her office door and then shutting it.

"I didn't get a chance to apologize. I don't know if he's going to come around or not." My knees were shaking.

"So what happened then?" She sounded impatient.

"He tore into me. I said I wanted to see if we could resolve it and he said that was my issue. So I asked what he saw in me and he started talking about contradictions and how I am the epitome of one, and how he can't stop thinking about me..." I trailed off. I shook my head. I didn't even know how to explain what had just happened or the ache in my chest.

"Is there anything there with you?" Steph asked. "Are you feeling anything about him?"

"I don't know," I mumbled. "It's all so intense. Every time I talk to him, every time I see him there's this thing. I can't explain it. I know how wrong he is. I can see it with both of my eyes, and I can feel it in my marrow. I've never been so sure about someone being so wrong for me. But there's this.... this.... pull. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it was there."

"What about Matt? Is there a pull with Matt?"

"Matt is incredible. Sure, there's a part of me that wonders if he's too safe. You know how that is. When things seem too good to be true.."

She cut me off. "Sometimes they are. I don't believe in that old cliche bullshit, you know that. What about me and Cara? I love that woman. Things ARE too good to be true, and the floor isn't falling out from under me."

"So what are you saying? Are you saying to blow Geoff off and just stick with Matt? Because before you sounded like you thought I needed to figure things out because something was there between me and Geoff." I started biting my thumbnail again.

"That's something that you need to figure out for yourself," she replied.

"I fucking hate it when you do that! You get me all riled up about something and then you tell me that I need to figure it out for myself! Why the hell do you get involved in the first place?" I was on the verge of tears now.

"Because otherwise you would just sit on your ass and expect things to come to you with zero effort. That's your biggest flaw, Chloe. You know I love you and you know I want to protect you because you're my friend, but sometimes that means I need to protect you from your biggest threat. And your biggest threat is yourself." She stopped and took a long breath in. "You have to stop avoiding things. You need to start attacking them head-on. It means making mistakes. It means getting hurt."

"I've made mistakes in the past. I've gotten hurt in the past. How come none of that matters now?" I glanced at the clock. My lunch hour was almost up. I could hear the students milling around and getting ready to head back to class.

"You got hurt before because you let it happen to yourself. I'm saying that if you're going to get hurt, you've got to be in the thick of things. You've got to pro-actively attack the problems in your life. Stop sitting on the side and bitching about what goes on, writing about it and using that as a shield. Get off of your ass and start participating. Make your own misery because it's the only way that you're going to make your own happiness." The bell rang. "I'm sorry to lay all of this heavy shit on you right before you have to get back to work."

"No. You're right. And I can't avoid it by waiting until the day is over. At least I can say that I called him. That was active, right?" I tried on a shaky smile.

"Yes, yes it was. So you're on the road to figuring out what you really want and that will eventually eliminate your contradictive nature which will turn Geoff off, right?" She let out a relieved laugh.

I laughed in return. "Here's to hoping." Then I paused. "If that's really what I want, that is."

"Another day, another issue to tackle. But you're on your way. That's the most important thing." I could practically hear her smiling on the other end.

"If you say so." I said and smiled, then bid Steph good-bye.