Building Friction (Part 22)

Over the course of the next week, I threw myself into work. I had always had a laid back approach to substitute teaching, taking the materials that were left for me (if there even were any) and rolling with the punches, knowing that I would be able to walk away and not necessarily return after the last bell was rung. There were enough classes and enough schools in the county to keep me busy without too many repeats. It was essentially the perfect job for the girl that everyone kept saying was a commitment-phobe.

But I'd signed on for 6 weeks and had barely made it through the first one without murdering one of the little bastards. When I returned to the classroom on Monday, I started by actually reading the instructions left for me in depth. I began conversations with those of the students who seemed intelligent enough to hold a civil one. When I left for the day, it was the first time I didn't sprint to my car in a panic to get the hell out of dodge.

I went by Matt's store after work, bringing him a large fountain Diet Pepsi. We sat outside and had a cigarette while he was on a break. He had been right about healing fast. The lump on his cheek was practically undetectable. A random person wouldn't have known to look for it unless they had been instructed to do so. I told him that my day had gone much better, and after the 20 minutes, he went inside and fetched a rat for Zoe.

"Pet Store Boy, at your service," he joked, bending deeply at the waist as he handed me the cardboard box.

"Oh, stop," I laughed. "Or I'll make you wear that shiny name tag with nothing else the next time you come over."

He cocked his head and raised an eyebrow. His mouth bunched up to one side and the dimple appeared. I giggled. "Promise?"

We kissed and parted ways. When I got home, I wrote for a solid 3 hours before my stomach insisted that I put something in it. I called up the local Thai restaurant and ordered spicy eggplant and pho noodles. They delivered the steaming food a half hour later and I ate it out of the boxes while proof reading my work. I'd completed enough to have something to post for the entire week. I couldn't remember the last time that I had been so inspired to complete so much in such a short amount of time.

As I sucked up a mouthful of noodles, my mind settled on a plan. Everything that had been going on between Geoff and I had been new and unusual to me. Something that I could have never dreamt up on my own. I set down the box of noodles and clicked to open a new window. My fingers hovered over the keys for a brief second before starting to fly. I began a story that paralleled the events of what was happening in my life, but tweaked it slightly.

An hour flew past. My stomach flipped over and I picked up the box and resumed chewing on the now-cold noodles. Looking down at the left hand corner of the screen, I realized that I'd written 12 pages in the hour. It was an all-time first for me. There were people that I knew who could write more in an even shorter amount of time, but many of them went back and did their editing later. I read the story as I typed it out. There was a yearning in me to make sure that I got the points right.

I polished off the rest of the noodles and then went to fetch my cell phone. I dialed Steph and let it ring. After her voicemail picked up, I clicked the phone closed. I never bothered to leave a voicemail unless it was important or I was feeling particularly drunk or stupid at the time. Most of the time it would be both. I tapped my foot on the floor and contemplated who to call as a back-up. Sean was out of town. Not everyone knew the entire story. Kelly was supposed to be playing somewhere and would probably leave me an e-mail the next day detailing how it went. If Steph was out, Cara was most likely with her. Lilly had just started a new job.

I paced back and forth in my living room. I didn't know who to call, but even more perplexing was the fact that I'd forgotten why I wanted to call in the first place. Was it to complain about Geoff? There really wasn't anything to complain about any more, just rehash of events that should be left alone. I didn't need to share the personal details of what was going on with Matt. I'd grown protective of our budding relationship and didn't feel eager to let anyone else in on it.

I walked up to Zoe's box. She's eaten the rat only hours before and was now content and sluggish. I wiggled my fingers across the glass.

"What's going on with me, baby?" I posed the question. She didn't stir, but I could see her tongue working.

You're happy, Chloe. My mind whispered to me. And you can't stand it.

"No, no, no. That can't be it. If I'm happy, I wouldn't be pacing. If I'm happy, I'd just be writing. Or sleeping. Or talking to someone. This doesn't feel like happy."

It was almost as if I could feel my mind shrug in indifference at my proclamation. Perhaps you never really were happy before. Perhaps that's why it feels so foreign.

I stopped pacing."So I'm happy with Matt. And I'm happy with this twisted shit that's going on between me and Geoff. Ugh. If that's the case, then I'm more twisted than I imagined."

It is what it is, my mind answered. I sighed. "I guess it is," I said and placed my forehead against the glass of Zoe's terrarium.

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Matt came over on Wednesday night and we watched another movie, this time a newer release. It wasn't important what it was, as we ended up not watching more than 10 minutes of it before we were stretched out on my couch again. Matt's kisses were alternately sweet and intensely passionate. Being with him lit a fire in my belly. Feeling his body weight over mine was erotic and comforting at the same time. When I kissed him, it was as if I was starving and wanted to eat until I would explode, like a person does when they don't know when their next meal will be coming.

At one point he pulled back from me and looked down into my eyes. There were no words spoken. I realized in that moment how much I enjoyed being with him. He had ended up being far different than I could have imagined. True, he was kind and considerate, but he was insanely funny and I could talk to him like I could with any of my other friends. Yet he was no pushover, made obvious after the fight on the beach. This was a guy who would offer me everything that he had to give. The thought that I was with someone who wouldn't hold back made my head dizzy. I knew that with Matt, I would never have to guess his feelings towards me. I'd never need to ask, and yet he would have given me all of the answers if I did.

Throughout the week I wrote more of my story. It was beginning to get fleshed out as a parallel to much of what had gone on over the past weeks. A female character pursued by two very different men and torn between which she found more appealing. One was the more obvious choice, one was clearly the wrong choice, and yet she couldn't tear herself from him. The emotions that I couldn't express out loud were filling my screen. At night, after writing more, I felt as if I'd purged everything that I had been holding in for so long. It was gratifying beyond description.

When Friday rolled around, I was ready to get out and have a little fun. Matt was going to be out with a friend who was moving out of state, so I called up Steph and Lilly and suggested that we hit a movie. Both agreed immediately. Lilly picked us both up and drove to the theater. On the way, they both peppered me with questions over what was going on with Matt.

"I can't believe you're doing something without him tonight," Steph joked. "I was starting to think that we'd lost you."

I laughed. "You'd never lose me. No matter how much you might want to. You're stuck with my ass."

"It's good to see you so happy," Lilly commented. "I can't remember the last time I saw you smile so much. He must be giving it to you now."

Steph was sitting in the passenger seat and I was in the back, so she had to swivel hard to see my face. "Is he finally giving it up? Is that what it is?" She asked.

"No, not yet, but we're getting there." The last time time that we'd made out, there was some touchy-feely on bare skin. Matt was getting a little more bold and I was acting as receptive as possible to encourage it. I'd gotten another good grasp on his tight ass, and his hands and done some creative finger maneuvers south of my border. "The man is very good with his hands," I added.

The two girls exploded with laughter. "The guy who works with animals knows how to pet the kitten, eh?" Steph asked and laughed some more.

I nodded. "He got the kitten to purr, yeah."

"So, how much longer do you think it will be before he lets you charm his snake?" Lilly asked between giggles.

"I don't know," I said. "And I honestly don't care. When's the last time you were able to have 2 hour make-out sessions with a guy? Especially one that wasn't trying to appease you in order to get a crack at your kitten?"

"I can't remember the last time that was for me, personally," Steph answered, looking thoughtful. "But then again, I don't need to make out with boys when I have a hot-ass girlfriend."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I said gruffly. "Semantics, you goofy broad."

"I'm just surprised that you're into it," Steph continued. "You've always been one to jump in with both feet. I guess I'm not used to seeing you slowly ease your way into the pool. It's not a bad thing. Maybe you were built for this all along."

"Maybe I was. Matt's funny and smart and I love being around him. He just sets me at ease. It's... it's..." I searched for the word.

"Comfortable?" Lilly filled in.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that." I started to chew on my thumbnail. Suddenly the idea of being comfortable made me very uncomfortable.

"Well, that's not good," Steph chimed in. "You should always have something that keeps you on your toes."

"He hasn't fucked her yet," Lilly said. "That's the part that's keeping her on her toes."

"Oh, well you're going to be screwed as soon as he fucks you then." Steph had turned around again and was studying my face. "You hungry?" She asked, observing my furious nibbling.

I pulled my thumb out of my mouth and inspected it as if I was planning on finding something. "I don't know..." I hesitated.

"You don't know if you're hungry or you don't know if things are going to change for the worse once he finally fucks you?" Steph asked. I was quiet for a moment and she reached back and punched me in the knee. "You shouldn't have to think so hard about that!"

"No, I'm not hungry. And yes, I'm worried that things will change for the worse once we fuck. But isn't that a concern with anybody? It doesn't make a difference if you fuck 2 days in or 2 months in. That's always something people worry about."

"No." Steph said definitively. "If you fuck someone 2 days in, things will be out on the table. Someone will cave if things aren't right and then you have all the cards on the table and can walk away before someone gets really hurt. You wait too long, if the sex ends up being bad or if it alters how strongly you feel about them, then there's guilt. Then if they love you more than you love them, you feel like a jackass if you have to bail. Fucking needs to get put out of the way as soon as possible. You've even said so yourself. Well, in the past you have."

"I've never tried this any other way. The longest that I waited before having sex with someone was when I was in high school and you had to hold out, and even then it was only a few months. What if I've been fucking it up all along? What if we wait and the sex turns out to be the best I've ever had because my emotions will all be in the right places? Won't it be more enjoyable then?" I took a sharp breath in.

"It's worth figuring out," Steph conceded. "I'll give you that."

"Matt sure is a great guy," Lilly suddenly added. "I really like him. He's sweet and he's good to you, but he kicked the shit out of Geoff the other day. That makes him pretty much perfect. I don't know about you, Chloe, but a perfect guy would make me paranoid."

"Why?" I leaned forward and held onto Lilly's headrest.

"Because if things get messed up, you know for sure it will be your fault. And it'll be even worse because you will fuck up a perfect guy so that some other chick won't be able to appreciate him. Shit, Casey's like that. He'd be perfect if he hadn't have had so many fucked up women in his past." Lilly turned into the parking lot of the movie theater and slowed to a crawl to look for a parking space.

I sighed. Steph looked back at me with concern. "I wouldn't put that much pressure on yourself, babe," she offered. "Matt wouldn't be with you if he didn't want to be. And he's a big boy. He knows there's always the possibility that something will go wrong. You DID say that his last ex was a psycho."

"Yeah. I just don't want to end up being referred to as the chick that made the psycho pale in comparison." I lowered my head into my hands. "OK, this sucks. Even when things look great, in reality, they're shitty like any other time."

Lilly found a spot and pulled in and we all slowly climbed out of the car. There was a line at the box office and the front of the theater was littered with teenagers on date night waiting for their rides to pick them up. A group of scraggly skaters appraised the three of us as we approached. "Hey blondie!" One of them yelled.

Lilly turned toward me with an irritated expression on her face. "Which one of us do you think they're talking about?"

"You're more blonde than I am," I laughed.

She turned and shot them a venomous look. "What time is it?" The lead punk of the group yelled back.

Lilly flipped open her phone. "Almost 9:30," she allowed.

The lead punk looked down at his bare wrist. "Oh, really? Because according to my watch, it's about time for you to come have a seat on this!" He gestured toward his crotch and humped his hips forward. Lilly turned back toward us and grumbled.

"She prefers to go off-roading, not fuck around on speed bumps!" I yelled back at the punk. His posse of followers began to "Ooooohh!" He shot me a narrow eyed glare and turned his back on me.

"Yeah, I think I'm going to wait as long as it takes," I laughed. "Sure, it could be bad. Sure, I could fuck him up. But I think the chances are low. And I sure as shit don't want to go back to any of that fucking nonsense." I poked my thumb in the direction of the teenagers. "We thought we had it all figured out back when we were that age."

"Yeah," Steph hummed. "Shit, it took this long to figure out we're still learning." She wrapped her arm around me and brought me in for a tight hug. Lilly joined on the opposite side. "You'll work it out, Chloe. You have to. Because if you out of everyone can't, then we're all screwed."

The three of us laughed loudly. We purchased tickets for the next showing of the blockbuster we were there to see and filtered into the theater. For the next two hours, I was distracted from the seed of worry that had been planted in my gut.