Childless

Mom picked up the Midget for a special trip to Disneyland, just the two of them. This spring has been all screwed up in timing. My sisters both had Spring Break from VC the week before Easter, Midget had hers this week (the 31st through today) and my mom is still getting two weeks at the school she works for, but they decided to start that as of tomorrow.

I remember that growing up, I was often the odd kid out. I grew up in Oxnard, where we were on "year-round" education due to there being too many kids and not enough places to put them (classroom wise). I'd go to school for three months, get a month off, repeat. My mom and sisters were on "regular" school years and in the same district since by the time that it became OK for teachers to have their kids enrolled in the same district they taught (my mom teaches in the Pt Hueneme district but we lived in the Oxnard one), I'd already gotten familiar with my schools and friends and my mom didn't want to move me.

It wasn't until I was in high school that I was on the same schedule as my mom. She always made sure that we grew up "doing" things, but mostly these were the kinds of things that teachers like to do. Museums, art exhibits, stuff that you don't always appreciate when you're little. We got to go to Disneyland once a year, Knott's as well. But only once a year, unless we could con a friend's parent into taking us with their family.

If there hadn't been an away game this weekend for our beloved Derby Darlins, we most likely would have taken the Midget to Universal Studios. I buy annual passes at the beginning of each year and the ManPerson is all for it. That way you're only really out $10 to park the next times you go, especially if you learn to carry water bottles in and scrimp on what you spend on food. There's always something fun/different that you end up doing at US, it doesn't have to be an all-day thing and it's only 50 miles away, so it's half the distance than Disneyland (and far lower on the cost).

Instead, we decided to haul our butts to San Bernardino and watch the Derby, supporting our girls because they need it. I'm learning a little bit more about the backside of the sport and how those aspects about women's natures can still really suck.

Here's a sport where you're supposed to get a little rough with one another. You can block skaters from passing, bump and prod them and at the same time help out your own jammer (points-scorting player) to get through the pack (main group of skaters) first.

But at the same time, it's also women in short-shorts or skirts, looking as pretty as possible. These ladies don't have to be ladylike, but at the same time, they're still women, so there's this pressure to be nice, play nice, shake hands, etc etc. It's two hands full of bullshit and an itchy nose, you know what I mean?

I have been grateful for what I think represents the best qualities of women (being team players on a team, even if in life we can't seem to always pull our shit together to address one another appropriately) and that it is something to get out there and do with my daughter. Midget is so full of energy that goes largely untapped and largely suppressed because once we get her started up, it's hard to keep up with her. Going to Cheap Skate night every Wednesday has been helping, as has going to the games and pulling together O'hana style to come up with sign designs and slogans. And even if the women on the teams can't always get along (or use that forced bullshit of shaking hands in a sign of "good sportsmanship" when they're not men and no one was being very nice), they're always super cool to my kid.

What would I be doing with my time if I didn't have a kid? I wonder that a lot. If I'd be working harder at doing my writing, trying to get published, trying to get serious. If I'd have a different job or just a second one. If I would still be going to concerts to see local bands before they were huge just so that I could brag about it. If I'd ever make it to Burning Man like I've always wanted to, but couldn't/didn't because by the time I caught onto it, I was saddled with a child.

Wherever I go and whatever I do, I put Midget into consideration. Is this something that we can do together? Will she like it? Will she be able to tolerate the car ride? (Unlike myself as a child, she does not fall asleep on car rides. It's so odd, because the minute we were in the back seat of the car, I was out like a light and my kid rambles on from the back, a part of our conversation, or bitches at the other drivers for going too slowly or cutting people off.) If I didn't have her, would my life be freer?

Probably. I waited until I was 25 before I got pregnant. Up until that point, I liked my free life. I worked commission and made whatever I decided to put out the effort for (try being a 19 year old who can clear $800 in a good week and tell me that you wouldn't have felt superior). I went where I felt like going, did what I felt like doing. I didn't even group up with friends. I mean, there were a couple of times when we'd all go to a show, but even then I hated having to rely on someone else to drive, or picking where to sit as a group decision. I went to movies alone, went to concerts with one friend or a boyfriend at best, and sometimes did the double dating thing.

I don't feel like I missed out on life. In fact, I think that if I were sitting here right now writing this as a childless person, I'd actually feel like I'd missed out.

Sure, I'd be thinner, I'd have more money and I wouldn't have to wait until my mom took my kid somewhere before going to watch an R rated movie (although sometimes I take her to R rated movies anyway)... but then again, I might not have gotten into the Derby. I wouldn't have had any experiences that could have bonded me as tightly to some of the friends I have now. People who are parents but don't use that as their only personal definition. I'd be missing out on stuff that I would have actually MISSED.

Going to a concert? Eh... I can take her anyway. And if I can't take her, then it's not worth it. Having a kid doesn't make you more, it just gives you less less. If that makes any sense at all.