"Cum Go With Me..."

zara's picture

Orgasms are such a bitch.

Sure, they can be one of the most intense pleasures that our bodies are capable of delivering, but the aftermath of the orgasm is a bitch. Even more so is the preceeding bullshit. All the - *ahem* - ins and outs in the quest of achieving the almighty orgasm. Almost makes me not want to bother. Almost.

Men have it relatively easy. Male orgasms are much easier to attain than female ones. The main concern of the male orgasm is what to do with the byproduct. It can vary in quantity, texture and taste, all of which affects the level of desire of the male's partner to "dispose" of it in an oral manner. Plus there's the lethal aspect of semen. The whole fertilization issue. Ew.

Of course, this is assuming that the man in question has a partner to share the results of his labor. If he's flying solo and there's a sock handy, then it just becomes an issue of having another article of clothing to send through the wash. The byproduct of the male orgasm is the greatest obstacle that they have to deal with. A little ooze. Big whoop.

The build-up to orgasm isn't all that rough on men either. Pretty much anything feels good. Even if the girl is ugly, closing eyes will block that image out when she's bowing at his altar. The old saying that sex is like pizza... even when it's bad, it's still pretty good? That's only a fair statement as far as men are concerned. A girl might suck at sucking, but eventually she's going to get him to pop off.

Women, on the other hand, are a whole other story. The build-up to the orgasm is torture for a woman. Not everything feels good. Not everything is pleasurable. It's difficult to give directions. Something that works on one woman is no guarantee that it will work on another. Sure, every dick is different like every pussy is different, but up and down, lighter suction then harder suction is universal on a man. On a woman, the up and down or side to side or in and out isn't going to work every time.

Even when the technique is stellar, there's the "just ain't gonna happen" factor. Sometimes we women just aren't going to cum, guys. No matter the length you can hold your breath for, no matter the strength or endurance of your oral appendage, we're not going to be putting on a show-stopper that night. When we realize it, it is upsetting. Either because we really want to cum and know we won't or because we really care about you and don't want you to feel bad. Negative emotions in the head at a time like this are not optimal for turning the tide.

If you hear a deep sigh... you're fucked. Well, you know what I mean.

The aftermath of a female non-orgasm is loaded with interrogation bullshit. What could have been done, what was wrong, did someone have a bad day? Sometimes it's none of the above. Sometimes everything is working just fine, there are no stresses, the desire is there, but the body doesn't want to cooperate. I called it that "just ain't going to happen" for a reason.

I once watched a bit with Carlos Mencia where he joked that when women tell you that they "can't" cum, they really mean that they can't cum with YOU. "Put them in the shower with one of those little massaging things and they're like 'Aaaaahhh Ahhhhhh Ahhhhh!'" he said.

He's right. Sometimes when we "can't" cum, we could very easily get in the shower or get out our vibrator and bust our feminine nut. Sometimes it IS you. Not in the negative light. Not because we don't love you enough or that we're not attracted to you enough, but because what you're doing isn't working and it's just too much bullshit to try and explain to you what will. And even when we do, sometimes that doesn't work either.

See, for women, the majority of sex is mental. We think about the finer aspects of everything too much. How do our tits look, is our ass jiggling too much while he's pounding us doggy-style, does our breath stink. And the worst one. "Fuck! What is he going to think if I can't cum?" It's as if our minds want to talk us into not cumming.

The social bullshit of what "ladies" do and what "only sluts" do is also a factor. Women are loaded with so many complexes when they hit the sheets, it's a miracle that they ever orgasm with another person around.

Aftermath of an actual orgasm is agonizingly stupid as well. The triumphant look of a man who knows that he's gotten your rocks and juggled the fuck out of them... yeah, that's annoying as hell. The constant questioning of whether or not we just came as we sit there, lightly convulsing, eyes rolled back in our heads and drool oozing out of the corner of our mouth? Can I get a pass on that, please? The bragging that ensues isn't pretty either.

Then there's my thing.... um, we'll get into that at some other point.

Orgasms are fantastic. They're always better when achieved with another person than solo. But all of the bonus attachments I can do without. Both the male and females ones. Men need to have a button or switch installed on them somewhere to be able to turn off the potency of their junk. Reproduce On, Reproduce Off. That would be nice. Women need to have a switch in their brains that will make all of the bullshit go away.

Oh, wait. We call that alcohol.

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