Do Not Defecate Where You Consume Nutrients

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I have a friend who has made a big mistake. Because of his big mistake, I have taken to referring to him as "Shits Where He Eats." What exactly is this friend's big mistake that would earn him such a  nickname?

He actually thought that "Friends With Benefits" would work out. Oh, but worse than that. He tried to make it work out with a NEIGHBOR.

Listen up, kiddies. "Friends With Benefits" (FWB), only adds up to trouble unless both of the parties involved are completely aware of the situation and cool with it. The instances where both parties are cool with it tend to be about 1 in a million, so if you're going to be stupid enough to think that this could work out for you, at least don't do it with someone who can easily be peering through your bedroom windows at 3 in the morning.

Guys, let me make you aware of one simple fact. Women have been trained over the years to think that the best possible relationship that they could get into is one where they started off as friends with the guy. You've seen their dreamy statements on talk shows when they're interviewing people who are going to get married.

(Batting eyelashes) "We were friends first... and then it BLOSSOMED!"

Get it? You don't want to go into a FWB situation without the knowledge that one day this chick, this totally cool chick that you always got along with, this awesome chick who you thought understood the details, is going to turn to you and start whispering "what if's." It will happen. Women are cool to an extent. Then our stupid hormones kick in and no matter how cool we've fashioned ourselves to be, WE WILL GET ATTACHED TO YOU.

You can reiterate the "rules" as many times as you like. You can watch her nod and say that she understands these rules. You can see her say that she understands and even be relieved when you see that she has a date that night. But guess what? She'll have scheduled that date just to make you jealous.

"Wait, Zara. She looked happy when she was telling me about that date!" I can just hear you dumbfucks saying. Well, if she were really happy about that date, and if she were really wrapped up in seeing that guy? Yeah, she never would have told you that she had a date. She would have gone on it, made the new guy the center focus of her world and taken you out of the limelight. The fact that she TOLD you about the date is her way of attempting to make you jealous.

The problem with FWBs for a guy is that you fuckers will start getting too into the "Guy Moment." When sex is freely offered to you without any visible strings, your dick takes over and starts calling the shots. Even if your gut is screaming that - hey! - something might be wrong with this scenario, your dick will justify whatever it needs to justify in order to get some low cost (or no cost) pussy.

Because when a woman says that she is "OK" with only sex... that's an in the "Girl Moment" phrase. The only reason why she is sitting there and agreeing with you that she's OK with the option of having sex with you with no strings is because she's desperately trying to convince HERSELF, not you.

Ladies, don't think that I'm leaving you reponsible here. Guys, as we all know, are fuck-ups. So let's examine this FWB from our perspective, alright?

I had a female reader recently ask me: "How can I tell if a guy is really into me and wants to date, relationship, boyfriend what ever you want to call it or if he just wants a fuck buddy or an occasional lay?"

If a guy is in a strictly sexual relationship with you, ala FWB, then he hasn't thought about being your boyfriend. And he most likely never will. That's not saying that there aren't those rare creatures who eventually DO want to turn it into something more serious, but to hinge your decision of fucking him completely on the miniscule "what if" factor is asinine.

If a guy really wants to be your boyfriend, he will go to the trouble of talking to you. He'll attempt to impress and woo you. He will show off for you, dress his best for you, actually remember the little things that you mention and try to provide them for you. Guys who are really "into" you will not be sitting around your place in ratty clothes, farting and drinking the last of your beer.

Guys that feel comfortable with you fit into either one of two categories. The first is that they've already gone through all of the wooing and managed to snag your beautiful ass and now no longer think that they have to keep it up.

The second is that they never were into you in a romantic way in the first place and therefore never felt the pressure to try and impress you in order to get some. Since women are the ones who usually initiate the FWB dealie in the first place, you're really going to have to start seeing these things.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like the guy doesn't like you at all. He does. He thinks you're cool, you're fun and you're attractive. But he also thinks you're just a FRIEND. He's settled into the comfortable spot of thinking that you will always be his friend. That he'll never have to impress you and you'll never ask him to and yet you'll be giving him free pussy with no strings attached.

Just be aware of that, ladies. If you really want FWB to work, you can't attach any strings. And guys, if you really want FWB to work, you can't fuck your neighbor. Especially not on a regular basis.

In the long run, there's less heartache and confusion in having a "Fuck Buddy" than a "Friend With Benefits." To quickly point out the difference between the two, a Fuck Buddy is someone that you might know through a friend of a friend. You find them attractive, you have a good conversation with them, and at the end of the night you fuck. You have their number, they have yours. You don't call them, they don't call you. You don't act like friends until one night, three months down the road, you're lonely, you find their number and you give them a call. Good conversation, fun evening, capped off by sex and then followed with more of the previous afterglow. No communication until the next itch comes along.

The best way to get the "no communication" thing? Don't fuck a friend, don't fuck a co-worker and never fuck a neighbor. Otherwise, you'll earn the same nickname as my dearest "Shits Where He Eats."

Discussion of the Day:

Have you ever had a "Friends With Benefits" situation turn into an actual romance? Was there ever a time when having a "Friend With Benefits" actually caused you to lose that friend?

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