Don't take your eyes off my left hand

zara's picture

There was a point when people would check into my blog on Myspazz on a daily basis, practically frothing at the mouth to read whatever new bullshit I'd cooked up. They came for various reasons, but most commonly I heard the one about how I was just so open and honest. That I said all the things that they wished they could say and blah blah blah.

I used to respond that I never quite knew how to have a filter. Shit, with this site, one that I treat far more like a personal online diary, it must appear that way. I cry like a baby about shit that's going on in my life. Well, to be more specific... I whine like a fucking spoiled brat over the things that I can't control. Here I am, laid bare. My tears and my runny nose and my petulant moaning. My bad poetry and my lame YouTube links.

Do you feel like you've learned all there is to know about me?

Think again.

For every sentiment that I extend to you, giving you that moment where you can try to find relevance in what I'm saying as it applies to your own lives, there are far more that I hold back. There aren't just things that I don't tell you. There are things that I don't like to tell myself. A slight of hand trick for my imagination. Played out in my real life.

People never really picked up on that. For as much as I would go into detail about things that had happened in my life, all my inane little recollections, I really very rarely gave many precise details. There were assumed situations that I allowed to stand. People passing judgment and me not correcting them. Either not worth my time to or just something that I didn't really want to deal with.

I deal enough with my real life in my real life. Why should I have to show it to anyone else?

I think the biggest factor that most people don't understand is that I keep the most important things closest to the vest. Names, dates, people, minutia. I talk a lot, but if you really want to hear the message you're going to have to decipher between the lines. Smoke and mirrors, cards up my sleeve, trap doors and girls in water-filled cages.

Not many of the people close in my life (although, to be honest, there really are quite few) complain about their omissions. The people that I talk about with a brash intensity are my manipulations. It's much easier for me to publicly fuss about some Canadian that I bonded with through IM than it is to really emote. While I still feel strongly about those people and circumstances as I have written about, there just isn't the depth to them that the other hurts carry.

It's late and I'm rambling. (Aha! Another one of my phrases roughly translated into: "I need to stop here before I say something that I'm going to regret." How's that for someone who supposedly had no filter?)

It's not so much that I choose my words carefully as it is that I tend to forget large portions of my vocabulary at opportune times. My internal kill-switch.

In other words, I use a lot of words to say pretty much nothing at all. It was about time that you figured that out, if you hadn't already.


You always have to keep

You always have to keep something for you.

I love the friends you have gathered together ...

"Listen to this, and I'll tell you 'bout the heartache
I'll tell you 'bout the heartache and the loss of God
I'll tell you 'bout the hopeless night
The meager food for souls forgot
I'll tell you 'bout the maiden with wrought iron soul"

I love the facade. I love the real person.


Eulalie_Cholmondeley's picture

In your own write

I came rather late to you myspace blog almost as soon as I was added to your friends list you stopped blogging on myspace. I come to this site often and I have read most of your older blogs. I have never been bothered by your need for privacy. you seem level headed and don't post personal information.

You do have a filter, you call your child Midget instead of my her given name. I think it's very smart to do so.

I started my own myspace page to be an on line journal and then began writing poetry as well. I haven't been writing on myspace for the past two weeks.
It's interesting how people can form attachments to you when in reality they do not know you.

I am learning what to write and what not to write by trial and error.

This site is great, I am glad you blog here. I enjoy the blogs that give a little in sight on who you are and what your life with Midget is like. You seem like a great mum.


Budo7's picture

I read because

It's funny, its about life, and a lot of what you write about I have seen or felt.
I never thought you were opening up your soul for all of us to see. (shudders at the thought)
Keep writing, its good, it's funny, and it's good to let a little out.

We are all morons of course.

We are all morons of course. Why dont you grow the fuck up? You really are a spoiled fucking brat. Why dont you start by stop being so fucking protectivly cool all the time?


You want ansers. There IS no fucking answers.

Go fuck yourself.

I love you. :)

Now go invent a new fucking story for me to read. Thats why I am here.

jomadd's picture

If I wasnt above it, I would

If I wasnt above it, I would feel pretty insulted.
In my part of the country we have a saying "hit dog hollers". If I thought you were speaking of me, well, I still wouldnt really care. I think the biggest sign that you have a filter is "Midget".....There are those of us who listen, and read, not to be heard, but to know.
Peace and chicken grease.........Joe

SimplySam's picture

Hey missy...

Did you think I didn't already know this? I am better at reading between the lines than what is placed directly in front of me most of the time. But, I refuse to be pushy or invasive, even if I sometimes do wish for more. Not my style. You ever want to vent? Smile? Laugh until your fuckin' eyeballs squirt? You know the digits or which keys to plunk away on.

Not all women are idiots. Most? Yeah. Not you. Not me. Just to name a couple...

Sammy loves ya babe. Bullshit, privacy preferences and all.

lrk1977's picture

Couldn't say it any better!

Ditto to what Sam said! :)

Although I suck at reading btwn the lines and understanding people like you two. I do know there is a portion of yourself and your life that you hold back. I think any normal person would, let alone someone who has been in the spot light like you have been. I appreciate and respect that about you, don't ever apologize for it. We all have to keep a little to ourselves, I think that is normal.

Lesley from Minnesota :)

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