The Duality of Self Loathing

zara's picture

I believe that it's healthy to hate yourself to a degree. Big shocker, coming from the girl who's a confessed chronic depressive. Even in my clearest state of mind, I do believe that hating yourself is important to your overall mental health.

To explain... Let's say you do something kinda fucked up. Something that you would judge another person harshly for if the shoe was on the other foot. Do you take the time to justify your misdemeanor to make yourself feel better? Or do you stop and smack yourself upside the head?

I'm not against forgiveness to oneself. It goes hand-in-hand with a little pinch of self-loathing. You have to be able to recognize when you're a jackass so that you have the ability to stop and fix that and then move on and forgive yourself for it. If you make the right choice, you've earned the forgiveness. If all you do is beg, borrow and steal in order for you to feel as if your fuck-up should escape culpability, well... you might need to go sit in the corner by yourself for a little bit longer.

I reconnected with my friend Dave because I needed to have a sympathetic ear to talk into. Someone who understood where I was coming from at this point in my life and who could make me feel better in a way that someone on the outside couldn't. I've been very low lately and finally getting some positive attention lifted my spirits and helped me to get through some of the more dramatic moments.

There was potential for the bond to veer into dangerous territory. We have history. We're both in lonely spaces at the moment, feeling misunderstood. There was the atmosphere for things to turn inappropriate. I won't lie, there were hints of it starting.

Here's where the part of my brain that wants to rationalize and justify my position steps in. We both needed a friend. We both could understand what the other was going through. It was easy to laugh with each other. But both of us, as I know from my heart and from our history, while being flirtatious and/or suggestive would never see things travel to the next level before finishing up our business in the current one.

Here's where I step outside of those arguments and into the shoes of his wife, who doesn't like me and doesn't understand what we inherently do. I'm an intruder into the relationship that they are trying to work on. He doesn't need to avoid her right now, no matter how tempting it might be to cut and run. He needs to put on his big boy pants and do the right thing by himself and her. The last thing that either of them really need, even if I so selfishly want a friend like him right now, is for me to be around tainting his view.

So when she emailed me and told me to leave him alone, I did what I would have wanted The Other Woman to do. I said what I would have wanted to hear. And I am following through on what I would have wanted to see happen.

I told him that I would not be contacting him anymore. And I will not. I deleted posts I put on his Facebook profile and I unfriended him there. I responded to her message with an apology.

Am I sad right now? Very much so. I have been crying off and on all day. Because I'm back to being alone. Because I only know one other person who kinda understands what I'm going through but not to the same degree that Dave did. And I liked finally not feeling so lonely. I liked having someone laugh at my jokes and tell me that I wasn't a bad person.

But the thing is... If I made excuses to make myself feel better about being his friend, or if I snuck around the system in order to keep up that friendship, I would hate myself even more. Because it would be the exact thing that I wouldn't want happen to me if the shoe was on the other foot.

If I want a solution, I need to contribute to making it happen. Not allow myself to feed into the bigger problem.

I hate myself for even thinking that it was possible to do this, to be friends with someone under similar pretenses in what I wouldn't want happen to me. That little bit of self hatred is what is going to keep me the better person and step away from the mess so that others can go through their personal trials without undue influence.

Because you are my friend, Dave... I can't be your friend anymore. I hope you understand. I already figure you do.

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