Ew! I Just Got My Punctuation Mark!

I'm a girl. Every month the inevitable happens to me. I dance with my angry friend. He kicks me between the legs and makes me bleed. I really hate that fucker.

My strange way of starting this off is to admit that I get a period. I don't like talking about it though. I never did understand the girls who would stand around and bitch about cramps or "heavy days." I guess I kind of figured that the less attention that I paid to it, the sooner that it would stop plaguing me.

My mom instilled a great deal of this in me. Hell, to this day she will walk up to me in the house and quietly whisper, "I'm going to the store. Do you need any tampons?" Emphasis on the tampon part in a particularly hushed tone. I think it was because privacy was a respected feature in our house. No one walked into someone's closed bedroom without knocking and then waiting for approval. You just left people's personal business to themselves.

My mom also teaches 8th grade English. She deals with 13 and 14 year old girls who will raise their hands during the middle of the class and announce, "I need to go to the bathroom. I'm on the rag!" My mom discloses this information with a grimace on her face. To her, it's a sign of indecency and lack of tact.

I've gotten better about buying feminine products in the store. I don't try to hide them in the corner of the basket with some unnecessary purchase piled on top of the box so that hopefully no one will notice that I am buying products to whip my friend into shape. Now I just carry the box to the counter, palmed in my hand and held low and tight to my body.

I understand and respect that most men don't even want to hear even this much about this topic. It's one thing to cringe at the admittance that your girlfriend or wife is on her period, but the products are the proof. If there's anything positive about the week she gets her period, it's the confirmation that she's not pregnant and the increased likelihood of getting a blowjob.

There are those women that I know who get the Depo shot and no longer get their periods. I myself have done the route with the pill that allows you to only have 4 periods a year. In either case, I wonder: is it unhealthy to not have your period? Are we convincing ourselves that it's OK to skip a period because we live in a time when we no longer should have to deal with the inconvenience? I mean, microwave pizzas are ready in 3 minutes. Why struggle through a period for 5 days? (In some cases less, in some cases more, whatever.)

Probably one of the most disturbing occurrences to me is when I hear about sexual activity in correlation with the period. I cringe when people admit to this, as I am a firm believer of "Flow = No Go." One particularly disgusting story came from when I was in high school.

My friend Matt was dating a girl who, even without the knowledge of this information, was rather gross to begin with. However, he decided to share with me the fact that if she got horny for sex and happened to be riding the red wave, she harbored no qualms about just pulling out her tampon and letting him jump right in. I heard this when I was 16. I haven't quite been the same since.

That is, until I heard the story of what happened one weekend at my friends' house. Stephanie starts to tell me about how one of her roommates brought home this completely plastered slut that he was planning on banging. Well, the girl happened to have her period. Have it like something out of The Exorcist. The following morning the other roommates found blood all over the walls and floors of the bathroom, in places that it shouldn't have feasibly gotten. It was so bad, Stephanie said it looked like a murder had occurred.

It gets worse. The guy brought her back for more.

When she stumbled drunkenly into their house a second time a few weeks later, she slurred "I feel like I returned to the scene of the crime!" and laughed her ass off.

How. Fucking. Nasty.

There are other stories that I have, including one of a sister of a friend of mine and her boyfriend's insatiable appetite to dive down. Let's just leave it at: MOTHERFUCKING EW.

Why is it that some women feel so comfortable about the whole period thing? I personally want to crawl under a rock until it's all over. Am I just being uptight? Should I embrace what seems like a popular trend of exposing this intimate detail in my life?




Discussion of the Day:

Girls and Guys: What are your honest opinions on this biological aspect of a woman?

Or

Relate a gross story. What the hell, you know? As long as I wasn't there.