FUCK!! There are just some things that you're not suppose to do!

zara's picture

I have no privacy.

Not in my real life and not on Myspazz. It has been my choice in both of these areas to put myself in a position where I have no privacy, so I can't really whine about it, right?

I have a 6 year old daughter who requires my attention on a consistent basis. I have a job working with people with developmental disabilities, so when I am at work I am responsible for making sure that they get the help that they need, much like children. In both instances, I can barely fit in the time to use the bathroom without someone barging in.

So my escape became Myspazz. It started out like most people's experiences here start out. I looked at profiles, read blogs, joined a group, filled out countless surveys and posted them in bulletins. I would come on to check e-mails and next thing I know, a couple hours had passed.

Then I decided to start writing for other people to read. People I didn't know. Why? Because it was a release.

At first it felt really good, being able to open up to people who had no obligation to me whatsoever. People who wouldn't be afraid to offer me their honest, unbiased opinions and advice. Many of the things that I had gone through and are currently going through are things that other people can relate to.

I have a wise mouth and can write in an easily digestible form. So my readership grew.

Since starting this journey back in January, I've managed to learn a lot about myself. As open as I am, I'm actually a rather private person.

Something made evident more recently to me when it became apparent that several people mildly stalk me.

Are they looking up my home address or phone number? No. But they're hanging out in places that I frequent. Places where I thought I could just kick back and chill. I made the choice to open up about my life, so I suppose I shouldn't be complaining about any of this, but my little online bubble just keeps shrinking.

People send me unsolicited emails telling me what a horrible person I am. People also send me emails hoping that I am going to be their next best friend. I've been accused of being a bitch because I don't answer every message. I've been told that I can't complain about any of the threatening emails that I receive because by opening up myself in my blogs, I invited the attention upon myself.

I'm screwed, no matter where I turn.

Last night, I really came close to saying "Fuck it" and giving up. No more posting, no more writing, no more promoting, nothing. A friend called my bluff. I'm the blogging version of The Eagles. I could never go through with it.

I like doing what I do for the most part, but in certain moments, it really fucking sucks.

It sucks when my back hurts and I don't want to answer comments but get this sinking suspicion that people will be angry with me if I don't. It sucks that I don't feel like answering e-mails when there are several really nice comments in my inbox that at least deserve a "thanks for reading!"

It sucks in the way that it sucks being a parent sometimes. Sometimes I just want her to settle down and be quiet. And to do so without me needing to jump through hoops to achieve that. Sometimes I wish a pen and a notebook really would settle her down. Sometimes I just wish I could sit in a quiet room in the middle of the evening, and not need to wait until 1 am to have my moment of silence.

Sometimes I just want people around here to allow me to still interact with my friends without hunting down who they are and intruding on my last outlet of privacy.

Sure, you're entitled to do it. It IS the internet and nothing's really all that private around here, but FUCK.

I know this isn't something that most people can understand. I'm not really pointing fingers at anyone in particular (ok, maybe I am, but only one person right now) so please don't feel like I'm pushing you away.

But damn... I've got this need to apologize to you and I haven't done anything wrong.

I give you all the information about myself that I think you could ever possibly want to know. Please, please respect what minimal amount of privacy that I would like to maintain on here and stop digging around for additional stuff.

Please respect that I need to take a piss alone from time to time, you know?

Comments

human stupidity...

... People never cease to shock the hell outta me.....I have to say that I am truly sorry that your Myspazz experience was so bad, and am quite shocked at some of the things I read. I did follow you from myspazz... but I'm not stalking! LOL!! Just genuinely like some of your writing.

People without a life of their own.

I can understand your anger with this. You come here to write becuse of the aninimity. What do people do with that, they hunt you down becuse they have no life of their own. I can understand that you want to be able to get things out and not have people tell you that what you feel sucks, or is felt in the wrong manner. I value my privacy, and if people started to take that away from me I would be angry too.
People.. just get your own life and leave the woman alone!!!

snarlyoldman's picture

Writing like this is a

Writing like this is a release. I signed up on myspazz just to prove to my niece that I could get more friends than she had even though I'm a 49 year old single guy. I was blogging a little about what I thought were amusing anecdotes. I was sending out lots of friend requests. Then I clicked on the button that showed the top rated blogs. AwesomeZara was number one that day.

I switched profiles, started targeting my friends a little better and started writing erotica. It's not exactly biographical, it's not exactly fiction. I write what I know.

The whole point is, if the Snarly Old Girl Friend finds out about this, my ass is history! She hates it when I smile at the waitress at Cracker Barrel when we go out to eat on Sunday mornings. I can imagine what she would think about some of my stories.

Anyway, good luck with your writing, I love it. Your 5,000+ friends on myspazz love it, and you know you love doing it. It's like internet crack. You know there is somebody out there reading what you have to say and actually giving a damn about it.

Snarly Old Man
Snarly Old Man's New Profile!

I was better a few minutes ago than I think I am right now

I know both sides..

I dont have much to say about stalking, I am not actually a stalker.. Im more of.. hmm what else can I know.. that kind of thing, but I just use the info or whatever to have my own satisfaction, you see, there are people (me for example) who tend to live vicariously through others. You, in the whole day I have been in your world, (reading your blogs) lead an awesome life. With your wit and attitude, and willingness to show people your real self. Or at least some of it is, People liek that. I know I do. I like seeing people do what I WISH I had the patience to do. You seem like someone a whole range of different types of people and personalities could be around. Since i have grown up a bit, I like to call it that, I have become a bit of a recluse. I stay at home all day and do nothing productive. I admre your passion to speak. Your very literate. And I like fact that I feel I have to spell check the words I use to comment on your blogs with on account of your verse in lit. How silly is that?! To you probably but to me, It gives me hope. wow. please dont write a hateful rant about me... lol I dont mean to come on so.. stronge, I just get talking ...and I keep going till its too late. I would just deltet this, but I feel it would have been in vain.

Besides the point.. Dont feel bad about wanting privacy. Its I think what seperates us from ... the ones who dont want privacy. jk. Its human Well happy holidays.

-Faye

A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

giorgina's picture

I signed up just to comment

I signed up just to comment here. This rant got me really fired up. I have someone in my life that's the same. Someone that has encroached on my turf, someone sticking their head in my business. I'm a private person. I don't want people, let alone people that I don't like, hanging around.

Giorgina Angela

You know what Zara?I know

You know what Zara?
I know exactly where you are coming from.
I want you to know that there is no need for you to apologize to me...or to anyone for that matter.
People can sit there and say that you asked for this, but we both know that is bullshit...
With everything that you do...you should be able to just...BE.
It is hard to be a parent, an attentive employee, a help at home, write for any number of things that you do, be a friend, and everything else you have to be, and still have time to just breathe once in awhile.
I know it is tough.
I don't think I am alone in saying that if you want to piss in peace, then by god, you should be able to.
And to the people that don't understand that, then I would have to say they are deluded and selfish.

I hope you and yours have a great Turkey day....

Much Respect to you.

~T

Unfortunately, the Internet

Unfortunately, the Internet is such a double-edged sword. I work at a job where the stalking is more casual--average schmos hoping to talk with someone who they think is some kind of celebrity. Or someone who says they know all about me because they looked up my bio at work...creepy. I think those type of people are just jealous. And weird. And bored.

Come to think of it, I work in radio--so I, too, work with the same type of people you do....

Anyhoo--from what I can see, your expressions ellicit quite a response from people and gets them to listen. To stifle your gift would be wrong.

And as I write this, my daughter has now interrupted me 4 times, the latest to tell me she's watching Garfield again.

SR

PS--I can be the wise ears to your wise mouth. So go finish your pi$$. Alone.

Sympathy...

I am sorry that people really are that needy. If you ever want to just post a blog and not have the whole world read it just post it as readable only by your preferred readers list. That way you can pick and choose who reads your shit. And include those you don't want to have hurt feelings. As for the rest of the millions of readers out there...FUCK THEM...they can get their entertainment elswhere...And if I were you I would limit the amount of personal shit you put into public blogs...for safty reasons. Take care Zara, and I hope your back feels better. If we lived closer I would offer your my services (I am a certified massage therapist), if you are ever in the SF bay area, look me up....

Belle

stalkers

Having been the victim of a stalker twice myself, I'm curious. Why do you not publicly "out" these people? Is it because you know your readers would attack like a pack of wolves? I've seen that happen.
When you said some of these people are "hanging out" where you hang out, did you mean that literally? They are following you? Showing up at places you are? That is some serious shit if that's the case. Cyber stalking is bad enough, but actually following someone & showing up uninvited where they are is illegal in Cali. If Midget is with you, that puts her in peril too.
Generally speaking, ignoring a stalker does not make them go away. Unfortunately, confrontation does not always work either. I had to get mine arrested before he would leave me alone, and even then he stalked me by letter. California, where I was living at the time, has anti-stalking laws. I don't know if the laws have been updated to include cyber stalking, but they should be.
How do you personally deal with these freaks aside from blogging? Do you speak to them one on one? Do you threaten them? Do you get MySpace involved? How do you handle it?
FYI...this is "Di" from MySpace. I posted the questions on here so as not to ruin the string. I was not in the mood for the game today.

I know the feeling.

I used to suffer from it a lot. Like, "Why can't people just leave me the hell alone?" That's why I take as much down time as I possibly can, to keep me from ripping into people. But I really admire you for being able to deal with your situation without much more than an occasional complaint.

Forgive me if advice is unwanted, but I thought I'd try. Regarding your daughter, maybe the thing to do when you want a little alone time is give her something that she can do on her own, and be proud for it. Some sort of a fun assignment, like a doing a puzzle, or reading a book without mommy's help, and then maybe even getting a reward for it. Or there's V-Smile. ^^

Just a suggestion, since it sounds like you really need a break.

While I feel that I cannot

While I feel that I cannot properly sympathize with you (am not in your situation), I am sorry that it has to be this way. I enjoy your writing and talking to you on the "radio." Although I do understand the pissing comment. I, too, would love to pee by myself just once in awhile! I hope your day gets better.
Beth from PA

Other sites you should visit: Wear Funny Quotes!