Fuckity Fuck Fuck (Oh, and I'm fucking old to boot)

zara's picture

I shouldn't do this. But hell... that's never stopped me before.

Wallowing in a pool of self-pity and misery, wondering what the hell I need to do in order to feel right with the world and more importantly, myself.

Realizing that it's not going to occur any time soon.

Bummer.

My birthday is coming up this Saturday. I'll officially be 32, but as the regulars have come to figure out, it's another year of 27. Many people have asked me why 27. I've usually thrown out the hipster bullshit of "Well, Janis and Jimmi and Jim and Kurt were all 27. It's the age of greatness forever stunted."

That's a bunch of bullshit. But it sounds good, doesn't it?

Actually, I first started saying that I was 27 a couple of years ago. No one had really asked me how old I was in person unless it was for a doctor's appointment or some other such nonsense. I never gave it much thought until I nickel and dimed a computer together and started getting online a lot.

Around the time of my 30th birthday, having endured some pretty major bullshit in my life (hell, for a drama queen like me, there's always bullshit - but this particular bullshit was major), I decided to do something stupid to boost my self-esteem. I posted some pictures of myself on hotornot.com.

I wasn't even sure how the website worked. I would cruise through pictures, rating people and clicking on the "I'd like to meet" button. I used Mitch Hedberg as the main key word to determine if someone was cool. I didn't pay for the special membership, so the only time that I could communicate with any of the guys was if they had paid for it.

Brandon was one of those people. I was an infant when it came to using IMs, so when we first started chatting, I learned to type faster to keep up with his veteran ass. He taught me simple shit that I should have known, like right clicking to copy/paste URLs and other computer geek related crap.

I really enjoyed talking to Brandon. There was something there, this feeling of a person whom I was lying to and yet he "got" me. And in many ways I "got" him too.

The problem was that the longer we talked, the more of an asshole I felt like for lying to him and yet the more afraid I was that if I explained that I was lying he wouldn't talk to me ever again.

See, I wasn't just lying about my age. I was also lying about Midget. A fairly significant factor in determining who a person really is. I was denying him a great chunk of information as to who I was and where I'd been in life and yet I still felt as if he "got" me. Didn't seem fair and it wasn't.

I started blogging for attention on Myspazz and as my birthday rolled around, I decided it was the perfect time to unveil my lie. I couldn't explain to everyone in the past that I was lying about my age because then Brandon would have known. So when I was supposed to have been turning 28, I simply said that I had decided to stay 27 forever.

There was only one glitch. See, around the same time that I started talking to Brandon online, I also started talking to another guy. One that I eventually became involved with. I'm not going to go into details here because I don't want anything I say to be used against me should any legal issues arise. (The whole kid thing...)

When our "relationship" came to a halt, I was angry with him and doing typical girl shit. I called him out on a publilc message board (not directly by name but enough people could have easily inferred who I was talking about) and pondered if I should contact his girlfriend about what had transpired.

His response was to threaten to tell "(my) precious Brandon."

So, after a great deal of crying and wringing my hands and looking at pictures of Midget and wondering how anyone could hate that face... I told Brandon. I explained about her, my age and my reasons for lying. He was shocked. I can't speak for him and know exactly how much that information damaged our friendship. All I can say is that I'm still talking to him and he doesn't seem to hate me.

But then again, those crafty INTJs... one has to wonder.

So here I am again. Days away from another number, another candle, another spank on the ass. It makes me feel like hell. I mourn losing so much time. I kick myself for being such a weak loser and not being able to be more honest with the one person who mattered the most. Sure, he knows now, but still.

When I get sad, my brain starts to feel like it's wired wrong. I think ugly and destructive things unless I can distract myself. So I'll find something to throw myself into as a means of avoiding the oncoming hurt. Essentially I'll go into a manic phase. It really doesn't help the crash. It probably just makes it worse.

So, I'm feeling self-destructive. I'm feeling like getting a safety pin and running it through the webbing between my thumb and first finger. I'm feeling like picking at my skin until I make myself bleed. I'm feeling like calling up my back-up and just saying "fuck it" to all of this self-imposed self-restraint.

You know... fuck it.

I can't be the only one that gets this way. Hell, I know I'm not. Which is probably why I'm writing this out. For that reassurance.

Perhaps it's just time for some more Steve Perry. Hell, I don't know.

At least when I get like this I exhaust myself and sleep really well.

I shouldn't be sad, dammit. I'm getting a grip of money back in taxes. Tattoo money. Vegas money. New computer money. New Nano money.

Money that I'll blow in a couple of months, if that. OK, that makes me sad too.

You ever just get that broken record thought in your head? The one that repeats "I give up" over and over?

Mine is playing right now.

Comments

Your birthday

If it makes you feel better, I will always be older than you!

Caroline L. Curry
Little Rock, Arkansas

kiki's picture

Months?! Wow, you hold on

Months?! Wow, you hold on to your cash...

(hug) Z, I know where you're coming from. Kind of. I sympathize.

I did play with a safety pin recently, for that very reason.

and then I smashed the broken record in my head. It didn't help. Now it's just crackly.

SCArtChic's picture

Embrace the Crazy

I read your post, and while the situation with your friend and Midget are hard for me to understand, I completely empathize with the rest. I was already writing a response in my head when I began reading the comments. Of course everyone here loves you, wishes you well, wants you to be happy. But damn, people. This isn't just about her birthday. This isn't about looking at the bright side of life. She has the courage to write about the dark and twisty things, and is repaid with sunshine up her ass?

You know what, Zara? Don't cheer up. Don't just gloss over it all. You feel like shit? That's okay. You feel self-destructive? That's okay too. Those are your feelings. I have bi-polar disorder, and have lived much of my life feeling that way. I've been my unhappiest when I try to fight those feelings. Accepting them, even wallowing in them a bit, makes it easier to move past them. I've had enough of people, women especially, who try to act as though everything is fine all the time. It's not. This is a crazy, fucked up world we live in, and it's those people who strike me as craziest of all because they're so unaffected.

Take care of yourself. Do you what you need to do to survive. Because that's the only way you can really be there for Midget. And along the way, you teach her that her feelings, even the bad ones, have validation.

danbenson's picture

hey! i am not going to try

hey! i am not going to try and cheer you up. you have to do that your own way (preferably, by me, positively). get them endorphines up. if it were me, comments from strangers wouldnt do it for me (maybe). you got to step away and look in a different light. uh...i dont know what i am trying to say. i dont know you. i dont really read much on this page...i am like you though. be happy please

Yvonne's picture

You're not old until you're

You're not old until you're 90, or at least that's the title of a book I once saw.

:)

Happy belated birthday. At least it's not snowing there!

luckymslucy's picture

Zara Zara Bo Barra...

Whats up chic? 32 huh? I feel ya! Im 30... for like 6 more months... what a pain in the ass! It sucks getting older... but it is life. :) (...I will need this pep talk in a couple of months...)
Anyways, I hope you had a Wonderful Birthday and I hope it quit raining!

Leigh Miller's picture

ive missed ure writing on

ive missed ure writing on myspazz zara! its not as good on there without you. i dont have anything to look forward to apart from old sleezy men tryin to add me or the music heads who dont really want to talk to you any way.

Happy Birthday sweet heart, everyone has days like this no need to worry.

Leigh

Nerin's picture

Since I have pierced my "hand pit" already...

...I can tell you that it hurts like a bitch and infects really easily. That web is just not meant to be pierced. Therefore, you should self-destruct in another manner. Just take it out on your vagina. That is what I always do. ;)

You came clean. He still talks to you. All is forgiven. INTJs are beautiful people, y'know. They will stick by people they care about. No amount of advice or hand-holding or cheerful well-wishing is going to help you. I know because I have the same tendencies as you. But, as you know, you will wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine again. That is how life works. It can't suck forever. The pendulum always swings back the other way. So, have a good cry. Break some shit. Eat some cookies and ice cream. Kiss Midget and remember that you ALREADY HAVE the important things in life: people who love you.

Happy Birthday, my dear. =)

Age

I've had to come to grips with my own age (and dealing with my own dramas has aged me prematurily also). At one point I went, holy crap, I've lost so much time. I could have been happy if only... if only what? I realized that I'm not defined by my age, and I felt better. Just because I'm getting older doesn't mean anything, except that now I can better appreciate everything good that's to come.

I hate knowing that I'm getting older. I hate knowing that one day, I'm going to die, but I refuse to let aging make me unhappy ever again.

My next birthday, I'll ring in the year however I need to make me happy (and in ways I won't regret). I know it's all about me, but I hope it helps you.

Let me wish you a hearfelt Happy Birthday!

jenn_beautiful's picture

Turn off the repeat and get back to what you KNOW

Z - I don't know what 30 is like (don't hate me for being 21) but I know that when you get down on yourself you have to stop, take a step back and look at all the wonderful things you have. A beautiful, unique daughter, friends who adore you, Outstanding talent and a world of promise ahead of you... Ok that was powerfully lame but it's the truth. Sometimes you just need to hear those compliments because it's completely true. So you lied to him - it's the internet, sometimes it happens - I used to lie about my age too - I was telling older men that I was older then I actually was... and that inevitably is worse... I was always very mature for my age so naturally I wasn't interested in the boys my age.
But whatever - point here is that when that record starts to play and you feel like you're sliding back into the abiss... kick that shit to the curb and remember what you know.

I'm always around if you want to talk.

I'm calling in to your next radio show - enough of this horse shit. :)

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy, Another Birthday

I'm torn between giving you some sappy encouragement, & telling you to stop whining & suck it up. Hopefully, I can hit the happy medium.
I can totally relate to being the single mom and lying about having a kid part. Especially after the lie is already out, & other people know about it. In my experience, men either like it or they don't, and if they are worth anything at all, it won't matter wether you have a kid or not.
I can relate to feeling one age, but being another. In my head, I'm around 25 or so, but I'm stuck inside this 48 year old body. Oh well.
The best definition of depression I ever heard, was that depression is anger turned on yourself. Which is what leads to self-destructive feelings & behaviour, such as running sharp objects into yourself and watching the blood run out.
You bet your ass everyone gets these kinds of feelings, unless THEY are wired wrong. You're normal, my dear. What you're feeling is normal.
I used to get rid of my guilty feelings over blowing my tax returns by committing to spending half of it on my kid. Clothes, toys, whatever. We'd have a blast spending it.
The money from a tax return isn't "life changing" money. So what if you spend it "frivolously"? If you won the lottery, & blew that, now that would be pathetic. Blowing your tax return? Please.
So, Happy (Fuckity Fuck, Fuck, Fucking) Birthday, Zara, from someone who's ACTUALLY old. ;-)

rennasmom's picture

Hey I'm almost 32 myself.

Hey I'm almost 32 myself. There is nothing wrong with getting older, definitely better than the alternative. I'm sure your insight and creativity are better now than at 27 which probably makes your writing more interesting. Don't think of the years as time lost but experienced gained. The older you get the easier it is to be yourself. And on the plus side, you can always take that tax $ and party like you're 27 for a few nights and still wake up the mature responsible adult you've become.

Z

You seem to be taking stock of your life and letting off some steam at the same time. If you feel the need to have that youthful vigor rushing through you go fuck a couple of college boys, that always worked for me. Well college girls for me, but I think it would still be the same, correct me if I'm wrong.
Otherwise enjoy the time you have, I'd wager that you're in a better place in your life now than you were when you were 27, and I know the sex gets better as you get older. Well for men anyway.
The whole self imposed depravity I share with you but I don't know if its for the same reasons, you'll have to blog about that sometime. Consider this a request.
So in summation: It's your birthday you should party like it's your birthday!

Definitely say fuck it. It doesn't help, but it's fun.

George,

A wise man once said "sometimes you gotta say "what the fuck"".

Okay, he wasn't really wise. Or a man (still isn't?). And someone told him what to say and when to say it.

But it's still good advice and it's been getting me through tough shit since 1983.

I also like to paraphrase it into "sometimes you gotta say "I need a fuck"". My wife hates when I say that. Especially because my son picked up the phrase, much to the chagrin of his preschool teacher. At least it's apropos because his teacher is cute.

But you get my point, right?

I'd tell you to stop bellyaching about turning 32, but I'm having the same problem with my impending 37 (and it's still months away), so I really have no room to dispense empty advice. I could say I wish I were 32 again, but then I wouldn't have my son and my daughter would only be one, and that would suck.

dawn61036's picture

This too will pass

Zara dear...

Everyone has times where they think "fuck it" or "fuck 'em all", EVERYONE. Thing is it doesnt matter what your thoughts are, its how you react to them, or if you react upon them. And for you your reaction was a very healthy one...to talk about it, to humble yourself and show that you are volnerable, to express a personal concern. "This too will pass" - just hang in for the ride, never give up.

I know this may seam cheezy to you but I am in a 12 step program, and I was taugh a small pray of sorts that I would love to share with you...

Grant me the serenity to except the thing I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Those three lines remind me that I cannot change or control anything but me. People Places and Things are completely outta my control. I am in complete control of just me.

I respect you even more today because today you showed me you are real...good luck to you.

Peace Love & many Smiles...Dawn

elsantogordo's picture

Don't be Afraid

JAIME - You gonna be afraid of things all your life? Huh? That what you want?

ZARA - My blog hurts...!

*Snap*. Something lets go. Suddenly JAIME's right in her face:

JAIME - Life is pain. Get used to it. See, you *will* ride this Life home, princess. You will ride it and you will not fall again, *is that understood*...?

Bastardized from "The Long Kiss Goodnight" by Shane Black (Screenwriter)
----
Now I shall profess to know better than you about life, but I shall not see you say that you're anything more than amazing! Zara, this is your Life... Midget, radios shows, t-shirts with weird witticisms, computer blogs... all of it is you. And it's beautiful! It truly is; as You are beautiful, inside as you spill out your words and on the outside as you pour out the words "We have beautiful breast" on your radio show. Had you been able to see me on my phone you'd of seen me blush. And I am dark-skinned guy so that was a real triumph.

All the comments and all the words you give us are the gifts God gave you, whether you believe or not. I am proud of you, read what you write, and know that people fuck up - and we get by it.

You jump & we jump with you; you need wings and we'll attach the feathers one by one. You need sunshine and we'll work to make you smile as often as possible. You need a sounding board and we'll listen. You want to rant or have a pity-party and we'll give you a hug and a shot of bourbon.

Happy Birthday Zara! Much Love & Happiness should be yours'. And if it's not, well, add that to your Amazon list of goodies.

Besides, I'll be 40 this summer; you can pimp-slap me twice when that day hits in July. ;-)
------
ZARA - *Don't you die*, you get up now, Goddammit...! Life is pain, you just get used to it, and stand up *right this minute*, fatty. Life is pain, do it, you bitch. *Do it*.

JAIME - ...Jaime... here... ...You're grounded...
----

Always,

Jaime

http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Long-Kiss-Goodnight,-The.html

"Hey... it's a kind of magic."

AmandaO's picture

Big birthday kiss!

You are more beautiful than you know. Just look into Midget's eyes. There you will find how important and beautiful you are. She's still young enough for you to be all knowing. And what's so great about being 27? That's where I am now. It feels like 26, and 25 to me. I can't wait to be 30. I'm expecting some cosmic light switch to flip and for me to finally feel like I've got my shit together. I have a tiny little man in diapers who needs me to be all knowing. And as for the tax return. Blow it on something fun. You deserve it. How about the Wii you want?

Zara, the beauty in you and

Zara, the beauty in you and in the eyes of your daughter should give you the strength to make the negatives into positives. Turning older means you have one more year of experience, one more year of knowledge, one more year of knowing "I will never do that one again". I will turn 44 this year, I feel that I have earned each and every year of that number and I am proud to say I am in the "forty something" group. It is not something to dread getting older, it is an accomplishment to have gotten there. Your beautiful daughter has the ability to give you this, just look into those eyes of hers, you will find the strength and worth there. Happy Birthday my friend,,you are more then just Amazing.
Beth in New York

Focus on the positives....

Zara! You are awesome! Quit focusing on the negatives, and turn that broken record into a litany of the positives in your life.

32? Please.

Hon, I'm turning 40 in 5 months. 40!!! I never thought I'd see the friggin' day.

Do I enjoy getting older? Hell, no. But, I can't stop it. And life is good, anyway.

Hang in there!

I totally understand and am

I totally understand and am in the same place currently.It is easier for me to believe the "cup is half empty" than to be let down by myself and others. It totally sucks cause in the end I am always "paranoid" and that becomes more self-destructive than not. (YAY!)

rubylove's picture

Missy. You are fantastic and

Missy.
You are fantastic and talented.
Thats a lot more than most.
Make the best of life honey
you are spectacular... this defies age sex or gender.
enjoy your life
xxx

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