Hell is Like a Sandwich and the Mall Parking Lot is Its Mayo

zara's picture

If there is a hell, I believe I've already seen it.

It's in Ventura, California. Sure, some people might simply refer to it as the Pacific View Mall parking lot, but I know better.

I don't honestly think that there is anything more hellish than a parking lot at a mall, especially once it hits Xmas shopping season. Driving through from one end of the Pacific View to the other at 11 am on a Monday afternoon, you might assume that it wouldn't be all that bad. People have to WORK, right?

Apparently not. The entire parking lot was full from stem to stern. What normally shouldn't take more than a handful of minutes to traverse took 15 minutes as I waited, not entirely patiently, for cars to get the fuck out of my way, people to learn how to walk faster than an 80 year old arthritic woman with a walker and delivery trucks to understand that there's a "loading zone" in one part of the mall for a fucking reason.

But let's get back to the issue of people not being at work. My job allows me to spend time in the community, but I'm supposed to be one of the few people who can. Part of the benefits which compensate for me getting paid a lousy salary. So why is it that whenever I travel to a large commercial mecca, there is never any place to park?

Costco is another one. There's never a time when that store isn't packed to the gills with people. I would think that if you're off in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday, you might want to do something more worthwhile with your time, say catching up on your neglected stack of porn and downing a few cold ones, rather than go to some warehouse store to attack the mentally deficient employees who hand out samples.

I can't even begin to register my level of frustration with what seems to be going on with handicapped parking these days.

The symbol for the handicapped plates is a little stick figure dude sitting in a wheelchair. While I fully recognize that there are those people who are handicapped and don't use wheelchairs, wasn't the original purpose of coming up with the special placard and license plates? That those who needed extra room in a parking space in order to unload those passengers who used wheelchairs had the room they needed?

Somehow that concept has bit the dust. Seems like even those people who have had surgery to remove an ingrown toenail are being issued handicapped placards these days. Got bad knees? Here's your placard. Got gout? Here's your little blue card. Have to take medication for your shot nerves? Here you go, you lazy fuck.

Yes, I think most of these people are just being lazy. If you don't have great difficulty walking then you don't need special treatment. The exercise will do your ass good. Walk an extra 5 steps every now and then. The crap you're eating at McDonald's will do more harm than shuffling a few extra feet.

We are a nation of lazy, self-serving fuckwads. We wait in long lines at a drive-thru rather than walk inside. We battle over close parking spaces rather than take a minute extra to walk to the front doors of Target. We leave our shopping carts blocking parking spaces because we can't be bothered to walk two steps over and put them in the little receptacles that are provided for us.

Just as bad as the people who don't want to walk more than 20 steps to get to the front door of a store where they are going to use a credit card to buy shit that they don't need on sale so that it compensates for the 22% interest that they will be paying, thus turning their $20 pair of knockoff sunglasses into a $100 affair, are the people who can't be bothered to walk when they see a car barreling down on them. COME ON! You're supposedly in a hurry when you're laying on your horn and gunning the engine in your car! Why stop now when you're walking into the store?

And why the fuck do you turn to the people in the car and shoot them a dirty look of indignation when they honk at your dawdling ass? Get the fuck out of the road so that I can find a parking spot and take my turn at being the obnoxious parking lot crosser! For fuck's sake!

The thing that blew my mind, however, were the number of SUVs in the parking lot. Cars that can't fit into the parking spaces that have been whittled down in size so that a larger number of them could be contained within the blacktop jungle.

I'm not one of those hippie dippy assholes who loves to spout off about how SUVs are ruining our environment (even though they ARE) or how young people who can't get into college (or those who were duped as a means to pay for college) are losing their lives fighting a war built of false pretenses. But I am a person who loves to laugh at hypocrisy.

And who carries a Sharpie marker wherever she goes.

My favorite SUVs are the ones emblazoned with the bumper stickers. Now, most of them are touting the little encircled "W" and some flashy colored number declaring that their little automaton was the number one automaton in his or her class. Some even have the jesus mentality ones or even better... the little man stick figure and the little woman stick figure equally marriage. (So cute how they're OK with brothers and sisters getting married, isn't it?)

But yesterday I saw one that took the motherfucking cake. Actually, it didn't just take the cake, it mixed it up from scratch, baked it and sold it in slices at the fucking PTA bake sale.

On the back of a monstrous black Cadillac something-or-other, there were 4 stickers. "No Blood for Oil," "Impeach Bush," a Kerry/Edwards sticker that defiantly glared at passersby and... the best yet! A "WWJD?" sticker.

For those of you who don't know what that stands for, these fuckers had a "What Would Jesus Do?" sticker next to anti-Bush, anti-war and pro lame-ass democrats who lost us the fucking election stickers.

I popped the cap off my Sharpie and made my way over quickly and with as much stealth is possible when you're with 4 developmentally disabled adults walking through a mall parking lot on a Monday afternoon at lunch rush.

After the D, I scrawled in "rive."

I'm a horrible human being, I know.

But what can you expect from a person when she's walking through the middle of hell?

Discussion of the Day:

What are your least favorite things about the holidays?


SouperAsh's picture



I think that is one of the funniest notions I've encountered in a VERY LONG time! Is there such a thing as a statute of distance limitations on plagiarism? I think I'll have to copy your example! Thats just too marvelous to be limited to the west coast, dammit! We on the east, (Especially *I* in D.C.) are (am) SURROUNDED by self-important soovie owners and non-drivers. *When was the last time you saw one parked BETWEEN the lines in a lot?!*

There are two basic types in this end of the world. Blingers and three-ton-family wagons. Blingers are much more obnoxious. They're usually juking and dodging in traffic. At stoplights, they typically have really loud crap pumping away on the stereo. I want to shoot those with the thumper boxes. *If I can hear your stereo with the windows on BOTH our vehicles shut, then you need a bullet.*

The three-ton tardmobiles are not driven so badly. Its just that there is ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD REASON for these people to have them. Fewer than 2 percent ever leave the paved road (Almost all are jeeps) and only eight percent ever engage their four-wheel-drive systems. I've been to Canada three times in the last year. Twice in winter*. Folks there don't drive these things. They know better. And they do just fine in the snow. Really! They know how to buy proper snow tires and keep them properly inflated. They know how to ease into the throttle and braking. A three inch dusting here causes a panic and the whole city closes down. Up there, it snows for REAL! They just go about their business. If the road isn't passable, they just walk until the plows come by.

.....Y'know.. I HAD intended on just offering kudos for the sharpie idea...

Other sites you should visit: Wear Funny Quotes!