I am a Rock, I am a Martyr

zara's picture

Eh... maybe I just like typing words with the letter Y in them. I'm pretty sure that I'm no one's martyr. But I like the word. I'm trying to keep reminding myself of things that I like. Because whenever something good is about to happen to me, I start to tear myself apart by doing self-destructive things. As if I never deserve anything nice.

Wish I understood where this stemmed from. Me, with my perfect little middle-class upbringing. Living an existence where I never went for wanting and I never needed to sacrifice anything. Why I would have such a complex about just accepting good things as they come to me is beyond my imagination. Hell, it's not like I rebelled against my upbringing and was that shitty little drug-addicted kid from the middle class family who spit in the face of everything their parents tried to do for them.

Nah, I just act the way I do because...

OK, I got nothing.

I miss him, I wanna hate him, I don't fucking know. Everything is going great for me and I start to dwell on the fucked up portions of my life that I should have long thrown aside by now. It's not a martyr syndrome. It's the glutton for punishment one.

I don't know why the fuck I'm rambling right now. I got to get going to work.


jomadd's picture


Look, not a day goes by that I dont think about an ex. I think about how I would love to see her, hear her laugh, just know how she is doing. I would love to watch her in that tense moment of initial contact where you can tell someone wants to touch you but arent sure they should (I love those moments) I do focus on the good things that we had.

I bring myself down by forcing myself to remember the bad. I know we could never be together because of the past and present for that matter.

She is unhappily married with children. She called me once, before they had kids. She said they were getting divorced. I could tell she wanted me to say "baby just come home and everything will be ok" I didnt, I couldnt, even though I wanted her to leave him desperatly! I didnt want her to leave him for me. I wanted her to leave him because she didnt love him. She never left.

Even when I am consumed with a new infatuation, as I am now, she is never far from my mind or heart. It is something we have to learn to live with, not die because of.

Did you ever consider that

Did you ever consider that maybe you don't think that you deserve anything because you haven't lived a fucked up life. I think that it can be difficult to allow others to love you if you're not really happy with your self. Stay away from depressants.

BrownEyedCutie's picture

Jesus Christ

finally, someone i feel i'm on the same page with.. it's been two years and i still catch myself wanting to call my long term ex-lover.. what do you do? enlighten me zara.

Budo7's picture

If you had some good times with him

Think about those, and smile. Shit happens.

jomadd's picture

Nothing stops the pains of

Nothing stops the pains of an old love like a new love. Put that new IUD to work and get that bottom knocked out......now quit your bitchin, your life is pretty great........:-)'

jenn_beautiful's picture

Ramblers and Darters, give the best head

It's true. Ask my boyfriend.

I love that you ramble because it shows just how brilliant you are with about a thousand thoughts running through your head at any given time... we have that in common.

I haven't been reading your stuff for a while and I missed my daily dose of Zara, looks like your writing is still superb and I feel like my soul has been fed.

I'm not sure what's going on in your love life but judging by what you just posted (just that little snippet about "wanting to hate him") I'm guessing things are confusing. I just got out of a lengthy relationship with a man who couldn't even attempt to give me what I wanted... and when I poked my head out to look around and see what else might be out there for me - I got tossed this amazing man who fits me in every way. Do you think you're looking for love in the wrong places?

Drop me a line if you want to chat or something... I'd love to hear more about how you're doing.

JIm's picture

When people get bummed out

When people get bummed out about certain bullshit incidents of the day, they tend to bring up everything in our life that they could possibly have fucked up. I do.
Don't let us guys bring up shit when you were 16, babe. We ain't fuckin worth it.

Hug the midget.

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