I Suck!

And not just in the good way.

Since I've opened up my writing to the public with these blogs, I've been feeling rather inadequate. I've started subscribing to many of my reader's blogs and get this overwhelming feeling that I'm not good enough, that I've so far to go before I can feel like a good enough writer. This Guy in particular makes me feel so sub-par. I've been reading and rereading my stuff, tweaking little things here and there, and it's just so much work. I'm the typical ENFP.... I want things to come easily to me. Working for it is such a drag.

I've been like this for a good part of my life. Whenever I attempted something, I always did it well enough to garner some praise for it, but ended up critisizing myself mercilessly. So much so that I'd end up quitting right as the hard work kicked in. I'm getting to that point now. While I've gained a good number of readers and have gotten some positive feedback, there's that part of me that knows I'll need to be consistant and keep it up. I'm just so bad at that. Maintenence was never my forte.

That applies to so many aspects in my life. I bailed early on in college, just when the harder work started. I get bored at my jobs right at the point where they tell me that there is a possibility for a promotion. And don't even get me started on how this fucks up my relationships. If you read the last blogs, you've probably already got a good idea what that's like.

The grave nature of this bad habit of mine is finally starting to creep up on me. My birthday is next week, and I'm just another year older and no more mature than before. Well, not for the person who desires immediate results. If I had to write down the ways that I've changed over the last 12 months, I'd be forced to concede that I have made some improvement, but it's like those people on the Biggest Loser (yeah, I watched and fucking enjoyed that, so sue me): When they didn't see huge numbers, they weren't proud that they were still losing weight. Forest, trees and all that jazz.

Is there ever a point in our lives where we stop being so hard on ourselves and just appreciate what we've got? I'd prefer it be before those grand Golden Years, the ones where you're so old that you finally just don't give a fuck and start talking like the grandmother in "Wedding Crashers." A time when we can appreciate that we appreciate our lives, our accomplishments and our capabilities. Am I ever going to be able to look at what I write and not scrutinize it with a mental magnifying glass, reading my words aloud and trying to gauge how stupid they might sound if someone else were reading them?

Is it possible to feel satisfied and not have it be a delusional sense of satisfaction? Will I ever be able to just relax and know that I'm "good enough"? Or better.... should I want to feel this way? Is it instead better to be constantly dissatisfied with your life's endeavors, thereby providing the drive to constantly strive to be better?

GAH!! Why is the "easy part" so fucking hard to get to????