From a Kiss to a Dagger

I finally started getting serious about deleting the emails from my AZ profile over at Myspazz. Up until recently I would delete a few pages at a time, stopping mainly because I would tire of the repetitive nature of it. But now that the new inbox system shows an unread number of mail in a parenthesis, I've been going nuts trying to make it go away.

I've managed to cut the pile back by about 300 pieces now. Most of them I didn't even bother to read. A few brought back memories and made me smile and a few even made me cringe. But for the most part, I didn't even bother to re-read them.

It's not that I'm not a sentimental creature. Hell, I saved every letter, every scrap of paper that Jay ever sent to me back in the day. It's just that I don't understand keeping emails. I don't understand the people who choose to hold onto them forever. I can understand one or two important pieces where there might have been a declaration of love or even an email from an angry ex threatening you, if only to have it for proof to use against them if need be.

And I think that's where my problem really lies. Most people hold onto stuff so that they can use it against people. Everything is a battle of "But you said this back then..." like some kind of crazed stalker ex-girlfriend. Well, some actually ARE stalker ex-girlfriends. In any case, it's funny to me.

I know that I've said some stuff that could be used against me. Stuff that I might have written when I was happier, sadder, angrier, drunk, stoned, immediately preceding an orgasm. The one thing that I can say is that I don't regret any of it. I don't even argue it away when people bring stuff up, quoting, highlighting, trying to somehow prove that I must have said something insincerely.

Nah. I mean what I say when I say it. It's also true that I might change my mind on down the road. But that doesn't negate the fact that whatever I wrote to you was what I was thinking at the time. To lie, protest or try to ignore any of it would be stupid. That means facing some embarrassing stuff. Shit, I get wound up like a hyperactive school boy about everything in the beginning. I honestly believe that I fall in love with people all the time. I also think I hate, distrust, am amused by, am horny for... etc etc etc with passion and conviction.

I'd like to believe that most people out there are the same way. That there isn't a large number of the population deliberately constructing their words before clicking on the send button.

But... I also think that they change their minds as well. I would never deny them the right that I use so often.

So I've been deleting emails. There's stuff in there that can be used "against" people. Stuff that could "vindicate" me in arguments that people have lingering in the air. But what's the purpose of keeping them? They're not on paper. Maybe that's why I don't consider them as important. Seeing someone's handwriting gives a message other, greater meanings. Seeing where they paused, where they scribbled out a word or two. There's heart in those and I have kept most of the written correspondence that I've exchanged over the years.

Hell, I have a note that Matt passed to me between classes mid-way through my sophomore year in high school. It's short, the paper is torn and weathered, the penmanship that nearly illegible high school male scrawl. It was a note wishing me good luck on my Banners tryouts that were happening later in the afternoon. Nothing important. But one of the few notes that I ever received from him.

I won't lie though. I've saved some emails. I just don't ever go looking into the saved folder. I know they're there. Same with my hotmail account and a folder titled with his name. I know what they say. I know that the meaning was intentional at the time. At least, I hope.

I've always kept the inbox on my private profile down to 5 pages or less if at all possible at all times. The sentiment of the messages I've received doesn't need to be saved in a folder. It's saved in my brain and in my heart. It might be paraphrased, but we're fucking human beings. Direct quotes are what you do for thesis projects, not for life.

I dare you to delete it all as well. Go ahead... what are you really holding onto it for anyway?