Late Night Rambling (aka: Something I Probably Shouldn't Do)

zara's picture

I've never been a team player. I just don't play well with others. I did do the squad thing when I was in high school, but it was a personal challenge that I set for myself. One that I chose not to repeat after my initial year was up. I had my taste and was done with it.

I've learned a lot in life through trial and error. I tend to jump into things with both feet, at times to discover that the water was too icy cold for my preference. Then I hightail it back out and try my best to get my ass warm again.

I've had my purpose on Myspazz for awhile now. I know what I'm doing and what direction I want things to flow. There was a time when I was green and uncertain of how to navigate the torrential waters. I did my best to cling to whatever device floated by. Problem was, sometimes that bit of whatever it was ended up pulling me down instead of keeping me afloat.

In the beginning, I attempted the comraderies. I did the scratching of backs because I thought it was the only way to go about things. I figured out that I hated it. It stifled who I wanted to be and the things that I wanted to accomplish.

Everyone needs help from others from time to time to help them along their path. The trick is discovering when to get that help and when to see it as just an extra burden to carry. I accepted help until I realized that it was doing more to hurt than to benefit me.

I severed ties with everyone who was in anyway affliated with the website that shall not be named. I couldn't risk being associated with anyone from that little sect. It sucked, because there really were a great deal of good people who were involved. Good people who, sadly, could not navigate the waters without the consistent help of others.

Eventually we all have to learn to swim on our own. We can float in the water, grasping wildly at what once supported us and be angry at those who pass us by, the ones who have learned to move their arms and kick their feet by themselves. We can do that, or we can let go and get moving on our own.

I refuse to badmouth any of those who continued (and continue) to be involved with the website that shall not be named. My initial assessment of the quality of their writing and artistic caliber has not waivered. They are smart, creative and unique people.

I just feel so disappointed in them for consistently badmouthing me. It is an ugly and pathetic display which reeks of "Well, fuck you for swimming and not wanting to float with the rest of us." It is beneath them.

While I shouldn't let it bother me, it does. Not for me, but for the talent that they are squandering. Getting so all-consumingly wrapped up in a series of drama which is so entirely inconsequential to the final product. A minor thread in the fabric which is reality. Hell, it's not even in the actual fabric of reality. It's in the fabric of the material lining the fabric of reality.

The point is... it doesn't matter.

I have turned my back to them, so I do understand the bitterness there. My decision looks like one of condescension and in many ways, it is.

Just because we all move together in the same circle does not mean that we should all cluster together in the same tiny boat.

Learn to swim. Stop your bitching and move your ass. You keep pointing that finger long enough, you're going to lose grip on what you were trying to hold on so tightly to.

Just let it go and learn to swim.

Comments

Hmmm... I'm out there

Hmmm...

I'm out there floudering.
But I am getting my second wind.

giorgina's picture

Team Player

I'm not a team player, either. When I write, I like it to be just me. I can't be creative when I'm having to produce something that other people will agree on.

I struggle here in Adelaide because, to be a poet, you pretty much have to be part of a group. I don't want to be part of a group. I don't want to spend one night a month with people, when I could be at home writing. I don't want to be part of your 'group' so I can get published.

I've made this my rant, now.... Let's just say, I know where you're at.

Giorgina Angela

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