A little diddle

zara's picture

The last guy that I had sex with was named after one of the Chipmunks.

I laugh at that. I laugh at myself for dwelling on that, wondering why I would let it sit in my brain for so long. It's rather funny what we decide to easily give up and what we decide to covet. Our pain gets held close. Our disappointments. The moments that were out of our control.

Come to think of it, I might be the only lunatic who is incapable of letting the little things go. Hell, I don't even think much about the fact that he had a little dick. I just laugh with embarrassment at myself when I start singing the Chipmunk theme song whenever I remember that steamy month of October back in the grand ol' year of 2005.

I've had other sexual contact that happened after that, but the full experience has been quite some time ago. I'm getting to a point where I both miss it terribly and not at all simultaneously. The orgasms are easy enough to achieve. I have plenty of battery operated devices for that as well as the trusty stubby little digits of mine.

I miss sex up until I remember the bullshit that goes along with it. The plotting and the planning. The negotiation both externally and within the two engaging party's brains. Men most likely put less thought into the actual act and the subsequent after effects than women do. Hell, I'm fairly certain that they do. But there's still just so much song and dance to it all.

Even simple contracts, the fuck buddy phenomenon, has its pitfalls. The constant worry over one of the people being more emotionally invested than the other one. Or the social stigma that you need to want more from an interaction with another person aside from the meshing of the pink parts.

Now with all of the disclosure that I've posted publicly I worry about the next person being giddy over being given the designation of the streak breaker. It's enough to make me not want to have sex ever again. Too much pressure when you add it all up. I no longer have a desire to fuck strangers and yet I think that might be what I need to do. Fuck someone who doesn't really know me, that I'll never see again and never have to hear the "I was the first after HOW long?"

Perhaps I should try finding another Chipmunk named participant. Hell, if I can find the missing two I can have a threesome and really complete the trifecta of ridicule that swims in my head. I can hear the high pitched singing already.

I realized how destructive I get when I hurt. In my past, every time that some guy broke up with me or disappointed me, you could be guaranteed to find my body curled into the fetal position the next morning, dirty sheets crumpled underneath me, nursing that "What the fuck happened last night?" body ache.

In the end it's a circumstance of me hurting myself rather than me getting back at the perpetrator in question. I want to punish myself for believing in someone, caring about someone. It seems easier to take it out on myself, the person I have to live with. Teach that foolish girl a lesson.

You'd think that I would have figured out a more advantageous way to solve my issues by now.

And in a way, I have. I am mean to myself by denying myself the opportunity to connect with anyone in the flesh. I avoid people in my "real life." Well, anyone that I think has even a hint of potential of playing a key role in the future. Friends only. And I even distance those.

(Side note: I said I wouldn't be writing much anymore and then I've gone and posted more in this last week than I had in the previous two months. Fuck what that says. Fuck it all to hell.)

I was thinking today about the possibility of never having sex again. I don't know if it's just the timing in my life or not, but that prospect actually sounded good to me. Then I thought that I might allow myself to have sex, but only if it was really bad sex. Dispersed at 2 year intervals. Every two years having completely lousy sex, something that hardly passes for intercourse at all.

*shrug*

This is the first time in days that I've been clear headed. And this was the best that I could come up with.

I might very well need to make a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I wonder if there are any who will write life-time scripts...

Comments

BumzIzMe's picture

Sigh.

I forgot how much I love to read what you write. It's nice to know someone else is just as depraved.

BrownEyedCutie's picture

haha loved this

hey zara
i was a fan when you kept up with the myspace shit, i read everyday religiously.
you're are a fucking AMAZING writer and an inspiration. is anything published yet?
xoxo
andrea

Der Heider's picture

Buy the Rabbit

I'd been single and sexless for several years before I'd turned 30. Wow, it's true about the female sex drive increasing at 30! I am incapable of having just sex; I can only share myself with someone I love. At the time, I was living in an apartment complex. My creepy-jobless-drunk neighbor upstairs would always sign for the packages delivered to my apartment while I was at work. I told my mom that I'd planned to buy THE RABBIT vibrator, and asked to use her address for the shipping address. I couldn't imagine achieving orgasms knowing the vibrator had spent a few hours at the foot of creepy-drunk-guy's staircase. My mom happily agreed to sign for my delivery. She'd only asked that I show it to her and explain how to use it. Maybe Mommy was planning on making a purchase for herself. And so, I had as much sex as I wanted with someone I loved, me!

zara's picture

Yep

I own the waterproof version of it. It's rather nice.

Still not as nice as a human being though.

jomadd's picture

Reality

Here it is...
We all want what we dont have. What we have after a while we dont want. Change is the only constant in life. It keeps it fresh and interesting. Until you embrace that you will never be able to understand where your happiness comes from or why you dont have it.
I think you can have happiness in a relationship, but only if you are challenged by that person. "Im so tired of games", we've all said it, and none of us mean it. What we mean is that we are just tired of having to work to get things the way we want them. Life takes effort............

dawn61036's picture

sex vs. relationships

Before posting my comment I went back to proofread it (as always), and found that instead of talking about random sex, I ended up talking about relationships. Not sure why???

I decided to post it anyway...

I have been single for 6 years now. I miss sex also.

I want to be with someone but I believe my subconscience won’t let me be. I’m so set in my ways I don’t want to change for anyone. And why should I? Someone should love me just for being me right? I have met a few men that liked me just for me but then I find myself getting tired of compromising my time for them. And getting suspicious of their motives. So I put space between us and show that I’m annoyed.

Being a single mom can also hurt and help in attracting men. I get scared when my date talks too much about wanting children in their life, or talking to much about how they think my son is “kick ass”. He is my son and I don’t want to share him with anyone. Or there are the guys that think your tainted for already having a kid, whom I wouldn’t want to even kiss my ass if given the opportunity because they are so self consumed (like myself) that it bores me

So in the past 6 years I have had a few meaningless flings just because I needed to fuck someone. That seamed a lot easier than getting into a relationship. But I am now also getting bored with that. I do miss having the smell of someone on my pillow, I miss the flirting, the teasing, the afternoon romps, having someone to go to dinner with, a movie, kissing…god I miss kissing or just going for a walk. Sex with my vibrator can only do so much for me. I get off easier masturbating when I fantasize about having a man stick it in me, or begging him to “give it to me”. So I know I need that physical attention, besides I can’t lick my own tits.

So I really do want a relationship, but in reality it’s not gunna come to me if I don’t let my guard down and stop trying to control everyone. Thanks for listening.

Peace Love & many Smiles...Dawn

Lisa The Great's picture

I could handle dating a

I could handle dating a Simon but I just couldn't deal with an Alvin or a Theodore.

Helena's picture

In All Reality

Okay, so that was a cheesy cliche I just used. But in all reality, I guess there are only two alternatives. Either connect with someone on a mental level, or connect with someone on an emotional level. Sure, you can have both, but one will always be stronger then the other. Zara, in a radio show you once told me that it was impossible to have a good relationship without a good physical connection. After many months of thought, and even a few trial-and-errors, I've found that your right. However, I'm still not entirely certain that having a good relationship is paramount in my survival. I know it would help with a few things, but is it worth giving up the others? Really you must ask yourself. Which things do you want more in a relationship? Connection with the mind? Or connection of the "pink parts"?

-Helena

xoxo

Simon, Alvin, or Theodore?

Simon, Alvin, or Theodore?

"The last guy that I had sex

"The last guy that I had sex with was named after one of the Chipmunks.

I laugh at that. I laugh at myself for dwelling on that, wondering why I would let it sit in my brain for so long."

Must be my english, but I sure hope not :)

Luna_Wolf's picture

Is it really better ...

to have bad sex than no sex? I don't know, I think I'd rather have no sex at all. Fortunately, even though my husband is a lousy cheating lying son of a bitch, he's still great in the sack. God I hate that.

But when it comes down to it, I'd rather be totally celibate than have bad sex. Or... Have bad sex once, and then be celibate, because then I could think back on the bad sex and say to myself 'do I really want that again??'

I'm embarrassed frequently about a lot of things that I've done in my life, both before and since I met my husband. Mostly sexual things. But hey... Can't take it back, so might as well move forward, and not talk about it. Ever. That's just me, though.

"Knowledge speaks but wisdom listens." -- Jimi Hendrix

janekeeler's picture

I completely understand.

I completely understand. It's been since August 2005 for me. I just have no desire to rendomly hook up with some random dude just for sex. I guess that's a sign that I'm getting older. And that I have a quality vibrator ;-)

SouperAsh's picture

Could we kill the band and clear the floor?

Song and dance.. Good grief!! So very true, and yet so hard to remove from the equation. Its all about trust and how willing people are to bestow it. Folks have expectations big and small. Issues bigger, rarely smaller. How cool would it be to speak at face value and be recieved in kind? Everyone wears their own set of defenses to protect themselves from being seen in their true form.
AND WHY!? Isn't that what needs to be advertised? We all want to be marketable to the masses. We want to feel desirable for our physical, intellectual and emotional sides. And we want to appeal to the widest possible market. (*I really hate how this has turned to an advertising analogy*) There are some businesses that target very specific customers and those have a fairly rough go of it, but the name and reputation they create is often worshipped as the best of their kind. Take Ducati, for instance. Everyone knows that name is synonymous with 'sex on two wheels and take no prisoners' performance. They have chosen to focus on one thing and to do it better than anyone else. Few would argue that they've had great success by sticking to their guns!

We would do well to follow that example by first learning who we truly are and then letting that be seen. We would no-longer fall into situations of false advertising on our parts and the part of a would-be partner. Expectations might begin to match reality and we might start being happier in our lives.......

HAW!! A-HA-HA!! EYAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! HEE-HEE-HEE!!! WOO HOO HOO HOO HEH HAR!!! YAH-HA-HAH-HAH-HAH!! WHOO WOW!! Oh man thats rich!!

...but sooo worth the effort. The chica that publishes herself on this site does make a hell of an effort to do exactly what I just described. If only there were more like her in this world.. Especially on the east coast...

kiki's picture

wait a tic

are you willingly going to let yourself have bad sex?!

Are you kidding?

That will just leave you aching for good sex. And more of it.

Or more of the bad sex in the hopes that it will eventually be good.

You poor poor girl.

:(

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