Maybe that's what Heather really needed, Paul

I've got to agree, why the fuck should we care? It really dosen't concern us in the slightest if Paul, or John, or anyone else for that matter smacked their bitch up. That's between the prepetrator and the LE officer that should be called and if the victim dosen't wish to enlist the aid of the Law then fuck them all to hell, they get what's coming to them. I couldn't give a fuck less about someone who won't help themselves.

In working with domestic violence, sexual assault and homelessness there are about 10% of people who give 100% to help others. It is amazing to me how the man driving the Escalade doesn't have the cash to give, but the man driving the old beat up Town and Country with three kids in the back can give $200 to help those in need.

When I was a coach, I made my kids serve at the Gospel Mission - serving one meal to those in need really brought them down to earth. I challenge those of you who think you have it rough to serve a meal at your local shelter or soup kitchen - look those people in the eye, serve them their food and realize many are no different than yourself. Most Americans are only two paychecks away from poverty. Seriously.

I watch the MTV My Sweet Sixteen or VH1's Fabulous Weddings and it makes me sick - not sick because they have money, but sick because they blow their money on such stupid shit. Money that could go to help others. Do you really need to have custom made furniture for your reception or after party? Do you really have to have an ice sculpture? What is wrong with us that we are willing to spend a ton of money on shit that will be thrown away the next day rather than helping our fellow man?

Hahaha - sorry, you got me on a bad morning! RAWR! Volunteering and doing what I can in my community is one of my passions. :)

Lesley from Minnesota :)

as to how to deal with domestic violence as a social epidemic. On the one had, as you know I was in an abusive relationship for seven years. I was always scared, in deep denial, concerned for my family's well-being if they found out, and mainly concerned with keeping my shameful secret under wraps. There were days when I would call in sick to work because the makeup could cover the bruises but not the swelling. My ex-husband was physically abusive as well as emotionally, and extremely controlling. He refused to get a job and I was forced to support us, while he hung out, used drugs and cheated on me all day. I'm not writing any of this to get anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't want anyone's pity. I don't feel sorry for myself and I really am over it.

For a long time after I got out of that situation, I was disgusted with myself. I was ashamed that I could let another person take so much control over me and that I allowed it to happen in the first place. I grew up with parents who were very strict, quick to hit, and extremely controlling, but I don't blame them for what I put myself through. I've blocked out a lot of bad memories from my marriage, but what I may never forget was that sinking feeling I would get in the pit of my stomach when I could sense he was itching for a fight - that intense feeling of dread, knowing what was to come (or worse yet, not knowing) for the next several hours. People often asked me later what I had done to provoke the violence. Seriously. What had I done to set him off? Do people honestly think that a woman nags her abusive husband into hitting her? That she crowds him and invades his space? That she flirts with other men in front of him? And this drives him to violence? Please. The sad part is that I've encountered such thickheaded ignorance on on more occasions than I care to remember.

So let me tell people from the perspective of someone who lived it. A battered woman is broken. She lives to keep the peace, silently going through the motions, every day of her life. Constantly aware that any little thing will set him off. What will it be next time? When will it happen again? Never raising her voice, and not meeting his eyes when she sees that vein on the side of his neck pulsating. He once turned the steering wheel violently while I was driving up an offramp. My car skidded down the embankment and ended up neatly on the side of the freeway. If I believed in god, I would think she kept me safe that day, but the truth is, shit goes down the way it does and that's that. This was definitely not the worst or most violent thing he ever did to me. And for some reason, I always felt sorry for him. A part of me wanted to take care of him, to fix him (because he was broken too) and to sacrifice myself for my love. In retrospect, this goes along with my Catholic upbringing, but I won't blame religion for my own mistakes either. I was young, dumb and deluded. And I had some serious self-esteem issues. And I was in it for the long run until one day I just woke up and decided it was over.

The part that I am at a loss over is how to help people who are going through this. Not every woman finds her strength. Not many women are able to fix themselves after being broken for so long. The abuse infiltrates your brain and controls how you feel about yourself. I actually tried to help a couple of friends who were in abusive relationships of their own after my divorce and both of them went back. They did not have to, there were no children involved, they weren't even married. They just chose to go back to their personal hell, and I in turn chose to end both friendships. I did not want to judge them, but I lost all respect for both of them. And that is what the majority of battered women end up doing. How can we help them if they won't help themselves? I'm sure if I had been offered help before I was ready to go, I would not have accepted it. For some reason, you believe that this person loves you and will change, even though common sense dictates otherwise. The mentality of a battered woman is almost such that she believes she deserves the abuse. Putting up with it almost makes you feel that your suffering will bring about some kind of reward (again with the Catholic indoctrination) but it never does.

So anyway, it's late and I'm rambling. I forgot what my point was and I'm not sure that I got it out. On a side note, a teacher of mine once went on a diatribe against calling men's undershirts "wife beaters." He could not understand how people (especially women) could throw around that term so freely and not be offended by it. In all honesty, I was never offended by the term because I never took it personally. It is more of a description of the type of men who traditionally wear these shirts than it is of the act of actually beating someone. Even after seeing it from his perspective, I don't take offense to it.

*Sole*

You're right. We dont(care). And Dont(should). ....You forgot to mention that ALL women are whores...;) it just hit me with the creditcard line.... You know, I do not carry plastic. I pay willingly $8 in your currency (or so) for handling every bill across the counter. Try talk me out of that.

I am sure you have experienced how you can make someone become interessted in you,online, because you are somewhat good at writing? Well, what they fall "in love" with, is much likely to be an imaginary - way out of porportion - picture of who could come up with such good stuff? Something entirely inside their own head. If they have a vivid enough imagination, they will make time for you. They will change their lifes to make time for you, just because of something you wrote. Like I do just know, because of what you wrote. I have no idea why. I guess i like to express myself as well sometimes.

We live in and out of illusions. I been thinking about how it could be stopped. And I have come short. I think if I started to tell the truth, I would be banned from the internet. Theres a really good chance he was abusive, allthough I dont know anything about her or the divorce shit. But extremly many relations are in fact absusive. And abuse is not only violence and or sexual abuse. There are many lesser forms, like women make use of for instance. Maybe she was nagging at him, when he wanted to stay up at night doing his thing. Beeing creative, writing a song or whatever. Thats is one form of abuse as well. I have gotten it from my spouse, and it IS abuse as well, to not allow your partner the space he needs to himself.

Lack of energy. When you have exhausted your energy, either from working to hard, living to rough, thinking to much, worrying or being sick or whatever, you tend to snap easier. Even you are otherwise a nice guy. Maybe there should be a law against taking good care of yourself. And what is that anyway. Take that one step further, and you may realize that while we tend to think we live in the best part of the world, in reality this is far from true. Rather we live in the best supported lie ever created. Cause while it is technically easy to have a good health and enough energy, stamina and selfcontrol, to take shit from someone you love and swallow it, to stop a fight from turn fast into abuse, in reality, this is not what happens.