Monday Gloomy Monday

zara's picture

You ever get that feeling like people are laughing at you behind your back? I get that feeling a lot.

I was a weird little kid, hyper and out of control. Too focused on what I liked to do with little regard to what the other kids were doing, I was often taunted for being different. In the beginning, it never really mattered all that much. It wasn't until I was around 8 years old that I started feeling the sting.

I don't remember it being anything specific. I had a best friend, I had other kids that I liked playing with, I had two parents who loved me and a brand new baby sister. Sometimes I wonder if it was out of her birth that this started happening. I often refer to it as the birth of my insecurity, going from being the central focus in our family unit to having to learn to deal with some shit on my own.

I've always been outgoing and friendly, sometimes aggressively so. When I was younger i could never grasp the concept of why certain kids just didn't want to play with me. Hell, I'd play with anyone, it didn't matter to me. But perhaps because I stuck out in my surroundings (often the only white kid and the lightest in color at that) I was shunned. Most likely I was shunned because I was so hyper that it made me come off as obnoxious, even at a young age.

I can remember when my best friend at the time turned her back on me. We'd been friends from the first grade and around the fourth grade when I started having trouble with my teacher, getting stuck in the corner of the room for talking and basically ridiculed for not being like all the other good little GATE students, my friend (her name was Sarah) started distancing herself from me.

She looked a little older (as did I, in retrospect) and fit in with the grade 5 girls. But where I was clunky, chubby and often awkward, she was thinner, still more childlike and graceful. I never transitioned through puberty in a fluid movement happening over one summer. It took me years and it started when I was about 10.

The good part was that I had a mother who had grown up without many things. She'd made a vow that whatever her children wanted, she'd get for them. This vow helped me out when the other girls began to snicker at my tomboyish clothing, beat up Chucks and unruly hair. Madonna was big at the time and all the other girls were wearing mini skirts with brightly colored stockings and funky boots. After a minimal amount of begging I was able to convince my mother to buy me an entire wardrobe full of neon colored belts, lacy fingerless gloves and layers of plastic bead necklaces.

Soon the girls envied me, but not in the way that I'd hoped. I was deemed spoiled and then later a "wanna-be" and a "follower." As an adult, I understand what the taunts mean now. As a kid, I felt as if I couldn't do anything right.

It was about that time that I started hanging out with my boy friends more. Things were less complicated when I was able to dress however I wanted and ride my black BMX up and down the street aimlessly for hours on end. Granted, those times didn't last long. As junior high school years approached, it was more common to hang out with the guys and get asked if they could feel me up. Being that I didn't want to lose my friends (or what I thought were friends) and because I never really thought it was all that big of a deal to let a guy run his hand briefly over my small breast, I often let them do it and then just asked if we could get back to riding.

Thing was, perhaps because they were so excited to be able to legitimately say that they'd touched a boob, word got around that I didn't seem to mind. Many more asked, prompting me to start declining, making the first boys look like liars and leaving me once more in the lurch.

I hated getting laughed at for doing something that I never thought was all that big of a deal. Hell, I wasn't even the one who suggested it, you know? But I hated getting laughed at more by the people who began to assume that I did it all the time, regardless of my protests, regardless of any proof that I could show them.

It continued on through high school but at that point I'd let most of it go. It wasn't that I was battling any of the other kids anymore. I was now in what has become an internal battle with myself. I've never known how to strike that balance between caring too much and completely detaching and not caring at all. There were times that I would get boyfriends who absolutely adored me and I would run them into the ground, acting as if they didn't love me enough if they couldn't run through all of the hoops.

There were other times when I pathetically threw myself at those who were unobtainable, doing whatever they wanted and always berating myself for not being good enough. I would pursue the hot guys and then go home and mock myself for not being pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough to waste my time bothering. Even if they weren't, I still always saw them as laughing behind my back whenever I wasn't around.

There's this need in me which wants to go back to that time before my sister was born. When I was the only child in the family and the only child amongst all of their friends. When I was special, unique, adored.

The thing is, no one is ever that special, that unique or that adored. I'm just a spoiled little brat for thinking that I should be. The worst part is that I'm raising my child to think the same things that I did (and sometimes still do). That she is the center of her own world. I want her to feel that way, I want to give her that feeling that I've spent my entire life chasing after. But at one point she's going to need to go out into the world on her own and mommy isn't going to be with her. What then? Another neurotic woman thrown out to the wolves.

I'm trusting of people to the point of being hopelessly naive. Because I give to people what is on my mind, I assume that I get the same in return. When I tell people that they are special to me, you can make damn sure that I mean that with all of my heart. I'd like to think that when people say something similar to me that they mean it as well.

Recently, I've started to wonder if that's really the case or if it's all for show. Some elaborate put-on in order to suck what they can from me, all the while laughing their asses off behind my naive back.

Of course, it's probably just my insecurities at work again. And the only person who can really ease those is me.

Looks like I'm screwed.

Comments

Gloomy Monday

Our lives seem sooooo similar. In so many instances. I just wanted you to know that I understand completely as to how you feel... Bet your sweet ass I WILL NOT say I'm sorry... Unless I MEAN it either!!! Have a great weekend =)~

The good thing about only

The good thing about only children is that they learn from adults. The bad thing is that learning how to act from adults does not help make friends on the playground. I always hated being an only child for that reason..
Everyone want to be and thinks they should be special, unique, and adored, unless their self esteem is just that bad. Or at least, that's what I think. I mean, what kid hasn't dreamed of being famous in some way? What adult doesn't want to be on top, so to speak?

You're doing just fine.

All single children grow up the center of attention at home. They all make it through.. Midget is an extremely well adjusted child for her age, so I'm sure she'll be fine. She's lucky she HAS a place she can go for the extra attention that the rest of the world doesn't give her.

Gordon

lrk1977's picture

Hopelessly Naive Myself

I am hopelessly naive about people - I am an easy target and for some reason always have been. I've never really fit in with "the girls." Most of my friends were boys from elementary on through high school. I didn't understand why the girls would be nice one day and catty the next - I never got that attitude and still don't to this day.

I don't think there is anything wrong with they way you are raising Midget - we ALWAYS want our kids to have it better than we did. I think what you are doing is natural. Just remember there will come a point where the kids will turn on her and you will have to be there like you always are to help her understand. I think once she is grown up - she is going to be a wonderfully strong person, just like her mom! And what is wrong with being a little neurotic? :p

Big HUG to you Z! I hope your Monday wasn't so gloomy after all. :)

Lesley

JIm's picture

Fuck Em'

Fuck em' all. People can say what they want. It's their right.
My true friends know me and stick up for me when there's back stabbing going on and people don't realize it always comes back to the person they're talking shit about.
There's one quote on your spazz, Zara, that I WILL NEVER forget and use WHENEVER I can.
"....you can take your assumptions and fuck yourself in the ass with them."

Hug the midget.
Luvyabye.

Megs's picture

I still don't fit in anywhere.

Comming from a family of five and being the youngest i was always deemed mommy's favourite and shunned by my siblings. Truth is i kind of felt because of our age gaps that my mom never quite had the time for me because my siblings always created drama, drug addictions, drinking problems and God knows what else. I never fitted in with my family because i was somewhat smarter and happier even for the lack of attention from said members! I soon started distancing myself from them as a means of not getting hurt or being let down, Later when i left for school i used it as a tactic to keep people as far from me as possible. I never fitted in with anyone there either i was not cool, or pretty and never revealed my intelligence either i was simply what you would call a loner. High School came around and it was the same shit just a different smell i never trusted anyone enough to even let them close to me and people shunned me for this, I never found my exact click the place where i belonged. The point is its two or three years after graduation and i still dont fit in, i still have the dull ache like im missing something great by not having that place and i still dont trust a single person, i guess as you said im pretty much screwed too. I admire you because even though you never fitted in, you still found your identity and stuck with it no matter what people said or did, you Zara are truly awesome.

Evil Eye's picture

Do you ever have the dream

Do you ever have the dream that the entire world is a stage a' la 'The Truman Show'? Only instead of TV the point is just to make a fool out of you? What about while your awake? Quite frequently... No, just me?

The fact that I can relate my issues to yours makes me feel like mine aren't so bad though. Part of why I like you. Or maybe you're just part of the plan to make me look the fool. *Sigh* Yeah, I need professional help.

Lisa The Great's picture

I didn't fit into any of the

I didn't fit into any of the molds society expected me to growing up, my mum made me take ballet even though I wanted to play soccer, and take violin lessons instead of guitar. I had my fair share of insecurities up untill I hit 17 and then I give the ole 2 fingered salute to anyone who told me I no...I spent 3 years playing in a punk band and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I am a little jaded on the whole trust issue I've been burned a few time and now I only trust a few of my closes friends.

melijayne's picture

so I have to ask then..

If you are jaded on the whole trust thing, how do you make the call as to whether trust somebody or not? How do you pick and choose? Do you feel like you miss out on great interpersonal relationships because of this?

Sorry, I'm very direct when I am curious about something. This is not to imply that I, myself, have no security or trust quirks of my own.

Is it strange..

Is it strange that in reading your blogs I learn more about myself? I feel that people laugh behind my back on my "down" days or the days I'm not feeling secure..I grew up in a very small town and basically if you didn't fit in with anyone there you were a misfit. I NEVER fit in with anyone there so I was never in a group of friends that I trusted or knew wouldn't laugh behind my back. There were plenty of horrible people that DID laugh behind my back because I wasn't "like them". THANK GOD I wasn't like them...look how horrible they were. So those insecure feelings come back on my insecure days also. And I think on some level all of our lives every one of us searches for that one person who will make us feel unique and adored..and those who don't...are liars.

Pam

melijayne's picture

Two Things

Crap...now I forget who posted the response with the SK quote in it. As much as I am angry with that man, he can write beautifully. Those words ring true to my soul. I am the person who understands so much about myself and others, but feels few actually understand me. Perhaps it is just the ENTJ way.

Zara, I remember feeling as you do when I was a teenager. Then, I realized that another poster was right -- those people actually have other things to think about that aren't tormenting me. When I realized this, I was free of those paranoias and could get on with enjoying and accepting myself.

You post here and have your site where people register and you can track admirers because you want the attention. At least you know this openly about yourself. We come here and read because we want to know that somebody else feels the way we feel. Then we go back to our places and make our own blogs, oftentimes.

Hah! How dorky, that just made an old Eurhythmics songs pop into my head! Sweet dreams. You know the words.

Now, true to my word, I'm going back to my own place and posting my own words. I need to vent about Stephen King...

From an understanding ear ...

This blog brought to mind my favorite passage; Stephen King’s preface to “The Body.” It's a little bit of a stretch, but I hope you see the relevance. Then again, you might just laugh behind my back. ;)
“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear.”
shaman312

All I have to say is...

If somebody is unobtainable by you, then they are also by definition, not good enough for you. I hate to say this, but assuming that they are laughing behind your back is also probably an example of "that special, that unique or that adored" kind of thought, only in a different way. The truth is that as soon as your back is turned and their back is turned, they aren't thinking about you at all. I don't know if that's better or worse, but that is probably the way it is. People have their own problems, their own reasons for keeping their heads up their asses and chances are, not a single one of the reasons has absolutley anything to do with you.

J

mistylou69's picture

You're not alone...

It's funny that you wrote this, because I've often felt the same way. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I felt that way with you some of the times. Like you just told me things to keep me reading or to shut me up or something. I'm often insecure about my relationships with people...constantly thinking that I'm comming on too strong, because I desperately throw my love and affection to people around me...friends, family, co-workers, even strangers sometimes...I guess in hopes that they'll return that love and give me the attention I long for. Kids are honest...kids are cruel...two things I've heard. I believe both. I think that kids are honestly cruel, at first they just don't know any better than to state what they see and then they fall into that catagory of kids that doesn't want to be different...that just wants to fit in...and so they pick out the girl/boy that's a little different...that has thier own ideas...that gets more attentiont than they do, and they make them the focus of redicule in hopes of taking any unkind eyes off of them.
Now, that we're adults, the same thing goes. There are countless numbers of people that are trying to be different, but are all in the catagory of different so they end up being the same...in one way or another. I think for the most part it's your insecurities at work, but after all the two-faced, back stabbing, rediculous people I've met I can't tell you that it's all in your head. However, I can tell you that I'm here because I genuinely care about you and enjoy your company...even if it is only online conversations or via comments.
xxxoooxxx
Misty

jomadd's picture

Youth is wasted on the

Youth is wasted on the young. I think we all go through those things, just in different ways. I wouldn't go back for anything in the world. You never really get out of high shcool anyway.

The more interesting thing is, why would you do to Midget what was done to you? Are you giving the good and teaching about the bad?
If you can recognize it, can you stop it, or do it better?

And yes we are taking from you, what we can get. Just as you are taking from us what you can get.

Individuals always stand out, even when they don't want to...

SimplySam's picture

From the Queen of Naive...

I always, always take others at their word. Cautious, yet completely trusting until I have a solid, unrefutable reason to not believe in that particular individual. Sure, I've been hurt over and over by different people for this lil trait of mine. But, if I hold myself back from new relationships because of past hurts I would be doomed to one hell of a lonley life. I wouldn't let anyone in...ever. Out of what? Protection? I'd much rather be hurt unexpectedly a few times by those I thought cared about me than cast myself out to a lonely lil island out of emotional preservation.

And I always forgive those hurts. I just never forget. On an individual basis. Fuck insecurity...keep yourself open to EVERYTHING that is life-because you can never find a rose without the prick of a few thorns.

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