zara's picture

Man, I've been mentally exhausted lately. I never feel as if I can get enough done and yet at the same time it always feels like I'm getting nothing done.

My day job has been less hectic and yet kind of chaotic. Without the client who was pulled from my group, I was down to only three. Then one went on vacation. Then one was supposed to have surgery, but that got canceled at the last minute. Thank dog I'm up to date on my paperwork and haven't slacked until the end of the month like I usually do, otherwise I'd be royally fucked.

My online work is evolving. Sadly, I have to mourn the loss of my beloved Bottom Shelf. It has been, har har, "shelved." I was 10 columns shy of having posted 100. It put quite the little dent in my heart. The Bottom Shelf was one of my last connections with Jeff. And as much as whatever needed to happen there, I do still miss talking to my friend. I will forever be grateful to him for turning me onto certain things, talking smack to me when I needed to hear it and overall just being one of the more genuine people that I had a chance to encounter.

Although there is still a portion of me that questions his genuineness. After all, he's still male.

Nah, I got a promotion of the oddest variety. I'm getting paid three times as much to do something that I think of as less work. But in reality, there IS work involved in it. Learning formatting, rules and tips took a couple of days and I think I caught on pretty quick, but it kinda conflicts with who I always thought I was. Am I selling out for the money? I hope not. I at least felt like I got the thumbs up from Paul, which meant a great deal to me.

MatchFlick is in many ways my baby. And my baby is turning into on ornery toddler. More people are joining the site, which is good, but it means that the homey atmosphere feels punctured. I haven't been cultivating my little baby for some time now, out of my burnt out feelings that I get (usually around the year marker on projects) and my need for concentrating a little more on the addition to my life.

The ManPerson. He is wonderful, in so many ways. I'm just not always wonderful back. I can be forgetful, inconsiderate and spacey. Actually, I attribute most of my bad habits to me being spacey. I forget to think about other people's feelings when I speak. I just speak. And at this point in my life, I'm never going to change. I might dial it down a notch or two on occasion, but for the most part, I'm just always going to be a self-involved freak.

There are some small feelings of jealousy going on. Even right now, as I finally get a chance to weigh in with my website that I so frequently neglect, they are playing with a hand held tape recorder together. He records her, speeds up the sound, she giggles endlessly.

In fact, just right now I needed to take a break just to go peek in on them.

The last couple of years were devoted to giving myself as much as possible to my daughter. Now she wants to share her time with not just another adult, but all her childhood friends. I am the one who gets run to with boo-boos and serious shit, but she is needing me less and less.

She'll be 8 this coming October. Fuck. I vividly remember being 8. It was the year by first younger sister was born. I remember my friends from that time, my teachers, the nicknames of "Zorro" that I was taunted with. I remember it was the first time I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered if I was fat. It was when I started stealing away old make-up of my mothers, staring at tampons (back when they were cardboard applicator horrors) and wondering when I was going to be allowed to shave my legs.

If my daughter needs me less, does that mean I have more free time to get this other stuff done?

If I get this stuff done, am I ignoring the signals that my daughter might need me to step in and she just doesn't realize it?

If I love my man, does that diminish the love for my daughter, even by a fraction?

If I am jealous of their bond, what does that equal up to?

Hello, me. It's me again. I've got questions. How much time until we can find out some answers?


RoQStar's picture


I don't think there's a more important/necessary person than a loving, caring mother who's there for her child.
So, all the other stuff is allowed - even the 8am right before school in front of ALL the classmates lick of the thumb and wipe the eyebrow straight maneuver - so, be yourself. Later in life she'll love and appreciate the freedom and the fact your there, even if you're not seen {like when you went to check up on her/them.}
It's okay to be a mom who gets things done, to be cool without trying, to be her whole galaxy even if she wants to focus her universe on friends and the like for the time being. See that tat' on your bosom? With the bond the two fo you have, you'll always have a special place in hers as well.
You're the ..Tom to her Jerry, the Zeppelin to her Led, the Pink to her Crow, the Hooba when she rants or is a bit Stank.
You all are two of a kind and you can't spell duo without U..

mistylou69's picture

It's all a part of life...

These changes are all a part of life...and I think changes are what keeps us on our toes...keeps us wanting to live this life...and they certainly help us grow, don't they? I know it's hard to have so many changes in this little amount of time, but all the changes you've talked about are good ones. I know you know that in your heart, but the sentimental schmuck in us goes all nostalgic and sometimes the new improvements are taxing on our minds and on our hearts. Just know that whatever changes happen: The Midget will still need you...even if SHE doesn't think she does, No matter how much you love the ManPerson--You love her more, and you jealousy is just a matter of letting go a little more than you're comfortable with. This is all new have to adjust accordingly and I believe you are. I'm so proud of you, Zorro! Sorry, I had to. I love ya dollface!


Budo7's picture

Get off the pitty pot

Kids grow up, and of course Mom is still number one, but now She is becoming a little Lady, with her own Little Friends, and sharing time is not something that they think about. Kids are selfish with their time if they get to pick. lol Plus now She has a father figure (maybe more then just a figure unless I am reading this wrong) and She is enjoying that as well. Take this all as a sign that SO FAR you have been a great Mom.

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