A Report From Fort Brag

zara's picture

Shut up about Valentine's Day already.

Wait... did I just say that? I mean, I had the best V Day that I've had since I was in high school and Brian got me a huge balloon bouquet. Is it stupid that I'm a grown woman and I still absolutely ADORE balloons, especially when collected together in large groups?

My ManPerson remembered what capri jeans I was looking at whilst shopping the other day and picked up both pairs and in the correct sizes. He also bought a couple tubes of this killer hair smoothing shit that they sell at Bath & Body Works for me. (Although, imagine if we could really get away with literally smearing shit on our hair...) Point being, I have this habit of loving to shop for other people and window shop for myself. I'll spend my last dime making someone else happy before I can justify the $17.50 price tag on wondrous hair goo for myself.

I'm trying not to brag. Really. Seriously. I fucking swear, ok?!?!

I'm trying to keep my gushing moments to myself, because I'm still living with that infinitely claustrophobic feeling that if I talk too much about how good it is that it will all turn to dust before my very eyes. Nothing can be this good without possessing the inevitable flip-side, right?

Let yourself be happy, people tell me. Just enjoy it, people tell me. "I told you so," Sammy tells me. (Shut up, you know it all cunt!) It's as if everyone is willing me to succeed. But ultimately, that fate is left in the hands of the lady of doom. I wonder if that could be a new saint or something.

Our Lady of Perpetual Pessimism.

You down with OLPP? Yeah, you know me!

And it's not perfect. It's really not. Little, stupid, petty fights like him leaving the toilet seat up and needing to be trained that he no longer lives in a household dominated by males and that I like the whole thing down. I don't even like the top lid to be up. For those of you who remember "Ally McBeal," I'm kinda like the Peter McNicol lawyer who always wanted a fresh bowl. It's a waste of water, perhaps, but I just don't like floating remnants. And my kid is a nasty little non-flushing poo-er at times.

Although I suppose it could be worse. Lesley's youngest, Scotty, just discovered his penis and has been patting it like the little flesh puppy that it is. A future chronic masturbator on the loose, because the world can never get enough of those. (Sorry, Les... had to mention it. I also think it's funny when boy babies are in utero and are seen on the ultrasounds as already making peace with his piece. Classic.)

What the hell was I talking about? Perfect relationships and the lack or possession thereof. Yeah, that was it.

It's too early for me to be this loopy already.

My man is prepping himself for some special holiday lovin' as I type. Sittin' in bed, reading comic books. And here I am babbling wildly to the random number of you who stop by.

*Waving* Helllll-oooooo, Cyberland!

OK, maybe it's NOT too early for me to be this loopy. Ha.

I have a man in my life who is a man, not a guy. I have a Lloyd Dobbler who reads comics and isn't afraid to go into a women's retail store and purchase articles of clothing for me. All while having my daughter trail him about in the mall because he picked her up from Boys & Girl's club for me while I had a doctor's appointment and then hung out for a short bit with Penny.

And Penny loves me too. She handed me two boxes of Toffifay and said, "Happy Thursday!" (We don't say the V word around Penny, too many bad memories associated with it) and I started laughing hysterically and told her to open the glove box where she found the CD she'd long been looking for (and I, as the wonderful friend, managed to find) and... a box of Toffifay. Because us crazy bitches both are addicted to those delicious little bits of wonderful. And it was a good moment.

I am having a great life right now. So fuck it. GUSH GUSH GUSH.

This makes me a less interesting writer now, doesn't it? It's like a comedian who can't be in love because they lose the funny. The bitch can't be happy! She loses her edge!

Naw, I think that's just my meds kicking in. Now that's something for you to be jealous about. Neener neener neener.

Stop typing Zara. Seriously.... stop typing.


kiki's picture


I want to kick you a little.

Say Anything

I <3 Lloyd Dobbler!

Gina the Ninja BAMF's picture


Seriously, though. Sam seems inhuman for all the shit she knows. It scares me sometimes.

But right now, you're scaring me, in a whole "OMFG, what the hell happened to Zara??" kind of way, except good.

That's right... ALL the cheesecake.

mistylou69's picture

You sappy motherfucker!

All gushing about your wonderful life with your new man in your new apartment...la di da!

Just kidding!

You know I'm happier than heck for you guys and I wish you nothing but the best! You know, after you've failed so much at relationships...whether it was the other person or you or both...you start to think that you'll never be happy in a healthy relationship (especially if you were attracted to assholes and users mostly...like me), so then when someone great comes along you almost don't know how to just be happy. I understand completely. I think I nag at my boyfriend sometimes just to see if he can handle it, because I don't want to be a bitch, but sometimes I am and I don't want to lose him, because he can't hang with the nagging side of me, yannow? But he's still here and we just moved in with my cousin and we have a KING sized bed (I was sleeping in a twin before and he was sleeping on my closet floor) that we both fit in and have lots of room to play. ;) It's only been 2 days, but it's great so far...minus the missing my family part. I cried like a baby the first night, because my sister started crying when she saw how empty my half of 'our' room was.

Anyway...I think it's wonderful that you're happy and I don't think you have anything to worry about, so have fun! Love you!


About ballons. YES! But I

About ballons. YES! But I guess is kind of cute. So maybe if he loves you, it is one of those things that makes him love you even more. (I am not a native english speaker...)

I find it a bit sad that he did all that for you., that you brag about..sound like a well trained monkey. That guy seem set on destroying the reputation, us (me), have spent this many years at building.. What a gay!

Being in a relationship seem to always makes a person less interessting.. But as a writer, you should have lots of interessting things to talk about once you two have become enemies again, and you have kicked him out of the house... So I be looking forward to that...

Just wanted to tell you that my brother used to have this crazy wc, that when you pulled the (excuse my english) _trigger_ on top of it, it would piss water right back at you when the thing fell down.. if you didnt know how to remove your hands fast enough. Everyone got pissed on exactly once. Maybe one could invent something similar for the lid...

I am a Man. I gotto say that nomatter how interessting a girl is at the beginning, one thing that makes me hate her is when she is starting to control me like that. Because its so girly...so motherly..its like having your mother around.... I think you would have better luck, if you DONT speak about it. Just let it slide. Let the wc do the job. Use another wc until the one he uses gets so dirty that _he_ will clean it. Now maybe you can lure him into taking _your_ role in the relationship, after all he seems kind of gay... and _he_ will be the one making sure you dont mess up his cleaned toilet... Dont know if it works, though... but anyway, better to not say anything, cause if my advice here dont work, nothing will, and you are just wasting time reminding him about it. From my childhood, I knew that when my mam started yelling at me, that was just the signal she was pumping up the energy to clean it up hereself later on..... so.. I just smiled and waited...

Nobody appreciate honesty anymore?

Ok, ok, I am kidding. But there is something here. If you wanna keep your man, DONT act from instinct. DONT find ways to make him compare you to his mother, or to other girls. Invent your own solution to the problems you're facing. For instance, promising to give him a blowjob each time he clean the toilett. Set an example for the rest of womanhood. Be a leader!!! In ten years, maybe men will include cleaning toiletts as part of the humanrights. That would be something!


zara's picture


Like, 99% of that made no sense at all. You've been indecipherable before, but this entry took the cake.

giorgina's picture

It so doesn't....

But wait for the pitfalls.

Like you trully try to fuck it up because it's been so shit in the past you don't know it any other way.

It's shit and I hate it but if you've been screwed over in the past it's what you get haunted with, I tell you.

So good to have you back on board by the way.

Giorgina Angela

Don't Stop Typing

you gushing Former Bitch

sole's picture

I find you even more interesting...

when you are happy.

I noticed that you seem to be worried that things are too perfect and that something may come down and shatter your happiness, but at the same time you point out all the reasons why everything is not perfect. So what the heck are you worried about? Home is never perfect - it's just home.

I think it's awesome he shopped for you! Not many men have it in them to go into the women's section and pick stuff out - and of those who do, not many would get it right. And I admire that quality in you to want to take care of everyone else before you take care of yourself. I guess that comes with motherhood because every time I get paid, I can't get to the shopping for my own selfish ass fast enough.

I have fun with Valentine's Day. I kind of have a love/hate relationship with this day. Yesterday I wished all my co-workers a happy "made-up, artificial, corporate holiday designed to promote frivolous spending, unrealistic expectations, unimaginative and cliche├ęd notions of romance and feelings of depression and inadequacy in the unattached." And yet I was wearing a red top and a red heart ring with matching earrings. How lame is that? I can't help it. As a female, I think I'm hard-wired to respond to these things. But I don't take it seriously. I told Daniel not to get me anything because it really doesn't mean anything to me. We work at the same company so I got him a card just so I could go to his floor and embarrass him in front of the nerd crew. I made him some coupons that he can cash in throughout the year - stuff like "Shut up now," "Why yes I am wearing this today," "I'm not going to random family event with you," etc. It was kind of fun. It made all his friends laugh. Coincidentally, we both found out after we'd been together for two years that both of our wedding anniversaries from our previous marriages were on Valentine's Day (different years though). We had a good laugh over that.


lrk1977's picture


Learning all about his parts is a good thing! :p LOL Normally, I prefer self-exploration on their own time, but you have to admit it was funny as hell!

OLPP! I love it! :) And I think it's okay to be a little pessimistic considering everything you've gone through. You've got a whole crew of cheerleaders rooting you on; I can be optimistic for you! :) (((BIG HUG)))

Same here, the whole toilet lid HAS TO BE DOWN! BUT, part of that is because Scott would either take a bath in the toilet or else he would throw Rissa's Snoopy in it. Plus I don't like the look of an open toilet - what if those germs are airborne! eeewwww! With the lid down, at least I know they can't ooze out and are some what contained!

Lesley from Minnesota :)

SimplySam's picture

I'm totally down with OLPP ;)

And...no. I won't. Ever. Deal.

Neener neener neener.

*does the happy dance*

Love, Our Lady of Ongoing Optimism AKA: LOO...haha.

Speaking of loo's... leave the lid up and the seat down dammit. I don't wanna touch the toilet with my hands at all before I take a seat! Geesh.

Gina the Ninja BAMF's picture

Everytime anyone has ever

Everytime anyone has ever put the lid down, because I never look before I squat, I pee EVERYWHERE. It sucks. Keep the lid up.

That's right... ALL the cheesecake.

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