Roll Over Fucks

zara's picture

I'm glancing at my cell phone bill the other day, attempting to calculate how I managed to rack up as many roll over minutes that I have, especially considering that my coworker who loves to point out that her calling me is free because I'm in her "Favorite Five" (doesn't that just sound so mother fucking quaint that you want to go out and find a duck and wring its neck until you hear the delicate bones break underneath your grasp?) even though that isn't reciprocated because I have a different carrier.

Makes me think about how men and women are different carriers. Now, I know what you're thinking. Someone else has already done that men are Martians, women are Venutians thing. But fuck it, there was a point that I was trying to make.

I asked the ManPerson the other day just how many times a week he needs to get fucked in order for him to feel as if everything is hunky dory. His response was to bumble about like he does when he's afraid that he's going to give the wrong answer, explaining that he would never ask for something that I didn't want to do and that masturbation would be perfectly fine if I wasn't down for the oogy-boogy. After calling him a pussy for not answering me directly, he did manage to get out that 4 times a week would make him a happy camper. That was the minimum folks.

Before y'all start to judge on whether that's a lot or that's a little, let me have a little side bar with you.

See, in the beginning, us women are dirty freaks who want to do it every day, usually more than once a day. If you're in the first six months of a relationship with a girl and she's not wanting to jump on your baloney pony every fucking (yes, rub your dirty self down with that pun) day, then I would get yourself another girl. That is, unless you're ok with being in the hot stages and feeling like tepid is your idea of hot.

Different strokes for different morons, I suppose.

So I ask you this: In a world where the APR shit is calculated on just about everything that we put out mitts on, shouldn't sex be included in that?

I go to Regal Cinemas with my Regal card and watch movies that I know I'm earning bonus points on. I ask (or Midget SCREAMS that she wants it) for the GRS (a little pager that messes with the manager if there's a problem with the movie) so that I can earn an extra 20 points per flick. I do as much as I can to earn me free popcorn, sodas and movie passes. It all adds up, fucker.

The roll over minutes on my cell phone are there in the event that aforementioned co-worker wigs out, has another car accident (bitch! Learn how to drive!) and needs me on for longer than normal. They pad me in the event that I don't want to pay out the nose for the minutes that I go over the alloted monthly amount.

So, you see.... in the first sixth months of a relationship, when we're gettin' all freaky with your ass, fucking you from here to eternity on a basis more regular than American Idol programming, you'd think that when the day comes that we shit out a 5 pound brick we'd get left the fuck alone for the 2 days that it's going to take for our colon to recover.

I don't like talking about feces. I've written in the past that if I could stop shitting altogether, I would. But sadly, excrement still piles up in my lower intestine and I must make cheek time with the porcelain to be rid of it. And because my anal cavity is so darn-tootin' close to my vaginal one, being in the mood for a pounding just isn't going to be on the menu for a little while.

I don't want to have to tell you these things. I want to say that I'm not in the mood and have you leave me the fuck alone. If you just brought home a big bonus check on the same day that I dropped a MechaDuece, I will follow through with a stellar blow job. Just don't ask to poke me and for the love of Dog, don't ponder as to why I can't be bothered to be poked. Just be happy with the tongue tickling you received.

There are also moments once you've been with someone for so long that you start to day dream about smacking them in the back of the head in a non-loving manner. We are not begging off sex for our sake on those days. We are trying to do it because there is still a part of us that cares about your welfare and would like to make things work.

All those Roll Over Fucks come in during these times. This is how we pay you in the future for the fucking that we gave you for free in the past.

You wanted it a minimum of 4 times a week and for the first 6 months we fucked you daily, twice on Friday and Saturday and three times on Sunday.

That adds up to 11 times a week. (Some numbers will be lower, but if you're with the right girl, you're going to be at least 6-7 a week those first six months.)

That's a Roll-Over amount of 7 times a week for the best bitches on the block and a substantial Roll-Over amount of 2-3 times (or more, individualized numbers apply) for the less freaky bitches.

And unlike the crappy cell phone companies who try to screw you (har har) out of your Roll-Over minutes if you don't use them within a year, we allow those to be freeze dried and kept for the remainder of the relationship.

And men? You NEED to stop LYING to your friends about how much you get laid. Especially you married assholes who try and talk yourself up because you think that it's going to make you look better. You won't look like a douche for not having sex as much as you think you should be having it, but I GUARANTEE you'll look like one when your wife finds out that you've been lying.

Oh, and how your brains never seem to register facts and figures like a guy who says he still gets it 4 times a week but he's co-habitating with a single mom of a teenager and you're married to a woman who is trying to raise your 4 hellions. That doesn't equal even ground.

.....and I'm done.

For now.

Comments

SimplySam's picture

Roll over fucks?

I love it. I am laughing my ass off and I can't wait to explain THAT one to my dick next time it comes a waggin' in my direction and I just don't feel like it. I've got mega roll overs banked.

jomadd's picture

Communication, honesty, and

Communication, honesty, and respect. After that, everything else is negotiable.

New registry

I just signed up for this amazing site of yours which I do read from time to time. You must forgive me for not writing anything for Midget this Halloween. I've been busy but it's no real excuse. Write me sometime. I'll be back to read more.

I'm with ol boy, when the

I'm with ol boy, when the mood strikes you, you should do it and when you're not you shouldn't. I realize that there will be conflicts there but they shouldn't be issues.

Budo7's picture

Here is the problem

After a long night of some really good sex, I need a quickie in the am, and not jerking does not help that. If I get those 2 I am good for at least a week, not saying I do not try, but I do not cry about it either.

Faust's picture

I'd prefer to just not have

I'd prefer to just not have to put a number on things. I want to fuck when I want to fuck, and I don't when I don't. One of the several good things about being in an LDR is that we get together, fuck like bunnies, and then have time to miss each other. So that when we do get back together, we're raring to fuck like bunnies again.

When I cohabitate, three to four times a week sounds about right...but that is only during optimal conditions. If there is a lot of stress in the house, whether or not it results from in-fighting, that number might go down (hahaha). Or in times of fortune, it might go up. Either way, fucking shouldn't be reduced to numbers.

SimplySam's picture

Pffft.

So, convince me you wouldn't brag if your record was 9 times in one day. If fucking can be bragged and talked UP in numbers, it will become an issue when it goes down too, (therefore being "reduced" to numbers).

If your not getting ANY for long periods of time that reduction of of numbers will become a guaranteed hot topic. Although I will say it becomes much more of an issue after a long period of cohabitation with no "snoo snoo."

LDR's? Hell yeah you're still fuckin' like bunnies. That's like a starving person eating like there is no food coming any time soon.

Lastliberal's picture

Roll Over Fucks

Girl, sometimes you is just one crazy chick! Love you stuff.

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