Surprise, surprise, surprise

zara's picture

Why bother trying to do anything nice if your motivation is going to be suspect and scrutinized.

Why act from the heart if people question if you even had one to begin with.

Why try to repair the damage that you caused, hoping that the end result will be a surprise, that those around you will rally and lend a hand instead of degrade you for being a klutzy dipshit who should have been more careful.

Because as much as surprises can frighten you, they can and do happen. Don't be scared to allow yourself to be surprised. Don't quiver with anxiety that you don't allow yourself not to be. Open your heart.

I have been trying to reconcile everything I know about you, everything I felt about you from the start, that feeling of connection. You didn't disconnect from me. I disconnected from myself and forgot that I knew, at the very least, who you were.

And yes, you did some shit that you didn't expect out of yourself. That sneaky element of surprise. Maybe it can be sculpted into something wonderful. If you stop running away from it. Take the charred ashes and work magic and create art.

The most beautiful things in life are the most fragile. Like a wispy spiderweb that can be kicked loose by a swift movement. But think about the power that web has, that strength to hold itself together between the twigs and leaves and corners and grooves that it attached itself to.

Our hearts are like spiderwebs. Tenuously attached to even the most minute surfaces. But they are a work of beauty, a spectacular balancing act of fragility and strength.

And even if some blind fool comes and swipes that web away with a thoughtless slap of their hand... it's amazing how quickly and even more beautifully that web can be reconstructed in the aftermath.

Rebuild it with me. Protect it with me from those outside sources. Share that beauty with me again.


Re-build it

It's all in the re-building. I don't often read you soft like this.

Unholyimage's picture


Scrutiny and distrust of your openness and sincere efforts are often just the products of contempt born out of envy for moral accomplishment.
What I mean is that if you accomplish something, someone may try to make it into something it is not (something ugly), to flee from the voice inside that says "you are not good enough". What's worst of all is when we manufacture this whole scenario inside of ourselves before others can sabotage us, and we make ourselves shy away or mess up something fragile we have.

Here I am open.

JDSquared's picture

She's writing again!

I was logging my computer off tonight when i noticed the RSS feed that I barely look at anymore. Zara was in bold, meaning there were new posts on her blog. Wait, Zara? A year or so after I stopped looking? At least six months after I stopped checking any of those feeds as the cobwebs were too thick now and structurally supporting that antiquated browser. Zara is writing again.

You don't remember I am sure, but I am in one of those 12 step groups. For multiple decades now. Time and again we have people disappear on us. Sometimes they are here on a court card and I don't get to know them at all, and other times they are people I call friends, even when briefly, because they had an impact on me. One and all disappear at times, and no matter what we try to do to drag them back in, they really need to see it themselves and come back to us. When they come back into the rooms (and especially when they are trying this time to stay apart of our lives) I find myself internally jumping for joy. "They are back" or He's staying sober again". And it isn't like they were never gone, because usually things change while they were back out there. But that IS a part of it, the old standbys and the instant inside jokes. We are so glad to have them back, and to be a part of their lives as they grow.

That is the image I cannot get out of my head, when I think "zara's writing again". And if I look now for yuri, and Kevitron and Joe Bhudda Mama and the hundred others who stopped writing (and some of them stopped, not just moved elsewhere!)it is through a touch of nostalgia and a big swallowing of selfishness, where I want again to be a small part of your life, your audience, while we collectively grow. So I am happy to see you writing again even though it most likely means there has been some pain involved to bring you back here. I know how it goes. Welcome back.

© 2021 Awesome Zara. All rights reserved.