"That's Nice..."

zara's picture

I am a much nicer person than people expect me to be. This always is confusing to me since I've always thought of myself as being a fairly nice individual.

Yet I feel there's no need for my nice label to get cast to the dirt just because I refuse to let people walk all over me. I don't smile when people talk shit to my face. I don't allow people to say nasty things to me and then take the holy route, walking away believing that I'm better than them in the long run.

I don't need recognition. I don't ask for people to praise me and when they do so unprompted, I very rarely know how to respond. Most of the time I just shrug my shoulders and stammer. How does one go about being gracious with compliments? Isn't it that if you know how to accept them then maybe you didn't deserve them in the first place? I dunno.

Still, I don't like to have my niceness or my hard work or anything else that I do be taken for granted. While I don't need people to praise me when I'm nice, I really don't think it's right for people to act as if I am defined by the bitchy moments in my life. I am allowed to talk back when people are rude. I am allowed to speak up when something I feel is wrong is occurring. These things do not negate anything else that I do in my life, nor do they make up the whole of me.

Perhaps I speak my mind too well. Perhaps I am just too clear when I tell people off. Maybe this is why people choose to associate me with being a bitch all the time. Maybe I'm not being overtly nice often enough for people to see the balance. Maybe it's their own hang-ups which cause them to associate me with being a miserable cunt.

I still think it's wrong when my mom says things like, "If you go to dinner with us, are you just going to instigate an argument and make it hard to enjoy the meal?"

Well, I can accept that, actually. However, what it harder to stomach is when I later tell her that I'm opting not to go to said dinner because I never feel welcome she returns my heartfelt expression with, "Oh, that's my Zara. Always the martyr."

I don't like it when my boss or co-workers roll their eyes when I start to defend employees' rights. I don't like being seen as the devil's advocate, treated as if I have nothing positive to say just because I speak up and say the things that everyone else is too pussy to say. We all talk about the things we hate when we're not in a meeting, with others being even more vocal than I am on certain topics. So why am I punished for being the only person brave enough to bring them up in a forum where our getting our grievances aired might actually cause some change?

What? We're allowed to bitch as long as we never try to get anything done about it? How fucking nonsensical is that??

I don't like to be seen as irrational (translation = "stupid female") if I speak up when something wrong is going on. I don't like it that people can joke and say rude things about me and it's a "boys will be boys" thing (or "he's just too stupid to bother with trying to explain why he's wrong" thing) and yet when I bite back, I'm the bitch. Why should I get the joke? Why should I sit there and accept that shit with a smile?

I give people credit where credit is due. Always. I have praised co-workers for being good at their jobs and just lousy to communicate with. The two have nothing to do with one another in my line of work. So I will be the first person to support you when you need it if you're doing your job, even if I personally despise you.

I can hate a woman for the personality that she possesses and yet still manage to recognize her excellent maternal skills. I can praise my daughter's PGC for the moments that we had together that were good even though there's nothing currently that I care to know about him.

Even my mother, someone who I wish I could hit over the head with a frying pan sometimes, I can't deny how good she's been to me. Hell, when I talk shit about her, I end up feeling like the asshole, thinking that I shouldn't think bad things about her because of the times when she's supported me. Even if she's the one being an asshole at the given moment.

I can be the hardest, most unforgiving bitch that you will ever know if the circumstance calls for it.

I can also be the biggest marshmallow motherfucker that you will ever meet under different circumstances.

If people are really only half as aware (if you're lucky) of themselves that other people are of them, then why is it that people can't see me even a fraction of the way that I see myself? Why is it, if I'm just a cold, stupid, manipulative, hateful, spiteful person that I cry every time I write something like this?

Fuck. Even I can't be that fucking narcissistic. Can I?

Comments

Hello...

Rather uncomfortable entrance, but it is hard to show up late and be comfortable about it. I am new to this blog, stumbled upon it a couple of days ago, I must say, while I don't agree with you all the time Zara, I do find you to be a great writer. What I like moreso, that triggered me to create a profile, is your personality, your attitude and how you express it. You remind me very much of another person whom I know very well, and I know her very well because she thinks alot like I myself do, which is most likely why I find reading your articles so refreshing. In response to the actual post above.. I think one of the reasons people are judging you so quickly to be a "bitch" is that they don't completely understand you, to them you are black and white, no grey area. So most of the time if they catch you at a bad time, or misunderstand what you're saying they may just take that wrong and therefore create a wall between you. Also you mentioned that your mother essentially accused you of instigating arguments. I doubt you do that, but I find usually when I am arguing I do it because I'm trying to learn something new about the person, in no way is it hostile... you can actually learn quite a bit about someone by how they argue, unfortunately most people don't understand that and judge it for hostility. Anyways, I just wanted to give my two cents about the above topic, and semi-introduce myself. Hope to read alot more from you Zara, I will be hanging around here from time to time.
In no way are you a bitch, just remember that.
dk (My apologies for the wall of text I just smashed into your faces. I really felt bad)

This reminds me of that joke

This reminds me of that joke about the Irish man that walked into his local pub and ordered three bottles of whiskey. The bar keep says to him "You've had a bad day? What's with all the wiskey?" To which the guy replies, I built a house, but do they call me McGreggor the House Builder? NO! I built a wall, but do they call me McGreggor the Wall Builder? NO! I build a bridge, but do they call me McGreggor the Bridge Builder? NO! BUT YOU SUCK ONE LITTLE COCK.......

Budo7's picture

Maybe

Its just your delivery, not your mind. I have been in spots, when I have said the first thing that came into my mind, while I was right the way I worded it could have been nicer. I guess the secret to speaking your mind is to be able to do it, that makes the other person see your point, and not be offended that they were or are idiots.

Faust's picture

Sometimes you're a tad

Sometimes you're a tad reactionary, but those are your opinions. Let 'em fly, and fuck what anyone thinks. You and I are currently having a disagreement over at Myspace, but I don't value you as a person any less, and wouldn't deny you your right to say what you feel. You've always been a good friend to me. Even if we disagree sometimes, you're still my favorite marshmallow motherfucker :)

lrk1977's picture

What have I always said to you?

Yes, ppl some times call you a bitch for your opinions, but I truly think you are just vocal and opinionated. I don't think there is anything wrong with being a bitch, vocal or opinionated. You are teaching Midget to be a STRONG woman. I love these qualities in you. I wish more women would not allow people to walk all over them and stand up for others the way you do. Be proud of who you are, because I consider myself very lucky to have a friend like yourself!

Lesley from Minnesota :)

giorgina's picture

Irrational

Oh, I love that one. Whenever a woman has an opinion that differs and annoys a male they're being irrational. They'll use that for every moment. Catching them in bed with a girl you have always has suspicions about. You have a go at them then and then, but, wait..... you're told you're being irrational.... buggers.

Giorgina Angela

Faust's picture

You're being irrational.

You're being irrational.

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