Things Men Should Know About Women

zara's picture

So I've been noticing that there a lot of people who have posted lists of things that men should know about women in their blogs as I've been browsing around our little "myuniverse". Most of them are true in a generalized sense, several mention something about shoes and ALL of them need an Awesome make-over. (Oooooo, and just in time for Valentine's Day!)

So listen up boys! I'm about to sell out the sisterhood and give you a glance behind the pink curtain. Bookmark this, print it out and stick it on the fridge, do what you need to, just make sure you tell everyone who you got it from.

Things Men Should Know About Women:

1) The majority of women are incredibly insecure.

We can all find a place to lay the blame, whether it be from an absent father, an overbearing mother or the oppression of American society but the point is, only a handful of us know how to properly handle a compliment due to that insecurity. Does this mean that you're off the hook in complimenting us? FUCK NO. You better keep them coming and just wear the proper protective gear to deal with the deflections. The only thing that will help is if you say them while looking us in the eye, make sure that it's relevant to the conversation at hand, and not be saying it strictly to get into our pants at that time.

2) We love having male friends, but that doesn't mean you'll ever have a chance with us.

This simply means that we like having you around, we enjoy spending time with you, and more than anything else we appreciate having a male ear to vent all of our romantic troubles into. It would just be a hell of a lot easier if more of you were gay. Far too many of you guys maintain friendships with women thinking that one day she's going to look over at you and suddenly realize what she's been missing. Let me buy you a clue: If we have ZERO romantic interest in you, we'll never notice that you're pining for us or attempting to hit on us. Harsh, I know. But just remember that the next time you spend an entire night talking to a female friend, buying her drinks and listening to her talk about how "Mr Liar Pants" screwed her over. The best you can hope for earning is a tightly pressed hug where you can feel her boobies pressed up against you. That's it.

3) When we blow you off at the end of the evening, it doesn't mean that we're not interested in blowing you.

OK, well, sometimes it does. But mostly it's because we've got so many different female issues to contend with, and face it: you fuckers are no good at handling the truth about how our bodies really work. Think about the type of restaurant you took us to that evening and what we might have had to eat. There's the likelihood that we're filled with gas and have been holding it in all night. See, women hold in farts. The idea of sneaking ont out in the middle of the evening just doesn't happen for us. Top off that thought with the mortifying one that we might squeak one out while making out with you on our couch, and you'll understand why we hurriedly offered you our cheek before slamming the door in your face and blowing ourselves around the room.

I doubt you want to hear me get into the possibility that we might have been on our period, because you can watch "Pulp Fiction" 3,000 times and laugh over Marvin getting his head shot off in the backseat, but to have to think about actual blood..... well, I can sense you cringing already, so I'll take pity and stop there.

My point is: Don't decide to write us off just because you think that the evening was going in the "right" direction and suddenly we seem cold. Chances are, we most likely had something else operating behind the scenes.

4) If we ever offer you a threesome: RUN AWAY.

This rule mainly applies if it's your girlfriend that's doing the suggesting and not that hot girl that you just met at the bar. Let's go back to rule number one for a second: the majority of women are insecure. If you think we're insecure about our looks, let's not even get into how insecure we are about our sense of sexiness. If a women is suggesting a threesome with you, she's more than likely doing it for one of the following reasons:

A - She thinks that you're thinking about leaving her and it's her last ditch attempt to repair the relationship and "please" you. If you use her for this fact and then dump her anyway.... don't come crying to me after you're returning from filing a restraining order. Please, guys. You want to end the cycle of crazy women? Don't feed into our irrationalities.

B - She's not at all interested in having a threesome and is trying to determine if you think that she's still hot enough to satisfy you. That's right. She's using one of men's greatest fantasies to reveal his biggest flaw: opening his mouth and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. You should always tell her "Honey, I can barely handle you! How am I supposed to handle two women? And why would I want to?" Congrats. You just scored bonus points with that one.

C - She's beginning to not find you to be satisfying enough for her. Do you really want to discover that you're not doing it for her as well as Mandy from her workplace can? You're end up with your dick in your hand and two chicks completely unaware that you're there. Hmmm. I'm not making a very convincing argument against it in this scenerio.....

5) Sometimes when we say "Nothing's wrong" we're telling the truth.

But we're only saying it to make something be wrong. Women have gleaned from television and the movies that there should always be a little discourse in a relationship. We don't like our men to be placid. So on an average day when all's well, if you see us just being quiet and feel the urge to ask what's up..... go ahead and ask anyway.

Whaaaa? Don't act so confused. Women live to make something out of nothing. We'll find a way to take however you react to "Nothing's wrong" and turn it into a minor fight. The trick is to not let any of it get to you. Nothing really is wrong, we're just feeling restless. So play with the kittens, boys. Argue a little with us, but keep it at a low boil. Let us win whatever we decided to make "a big deal." Just let us get our blood pumping a bit.... trust me, rewards are at the end of this deal.

6) Don't buy us roses because you think that's what we "expect".

The quickest way to lose points on Valentine's Day is to bring as a gift that you think we're "expecting." Unless we specifically say that we want roses, try a little harder at figuring out what we're interested in. Women with children usually just want to get out of the house.... or better yet.... STAY in the house and have the children be gone. Women that you've been dating a brief time might want the basics, but mostly they just want to know that you're thinking about sticking around for awhile. No woman wants to think that they're wasting their time. So buy tickets for an event that is scheduled 2 weeks after Valentine's Day (if you're really interested in her - otherwise, don't lead her on). Women that you've been dating exclusively for a good period of time will drop hints or outright tell you what they want. It's a myth that women tell you they want nothing and really want something. We really don't want gifts when we say we don't want them. In those instances, we really just want your time. Pencil in some one-on-one with us. take us somewhere where we can be alone. Trust me, it's not about how much you spend in terms of money.

7) There are no hard and fast rules to women.

That's the beauty of women. While on the surface it might seem like we're a unbelievable amount of work for something that rarely pays off, that's the negative way to see it. True, we change our minds all the time. True, we're never 100 percent sure of what the hell we want or why. True, we date all the wrong men and never learn our lessons. We do all of that stupid stuff. You can choose to look at it that way if you want, but you'd be missing out.

Because we can never make up our mind means that we're a hell of a lot more flexible than any man could ever dream to be. We'll bend over backwards for you if we love you. It makes it easier for the assholes of the world to exploit us, but it means that we'll always be able to overlook your flaws and shortcomings if you love us through our marathon mall excursions and "Where do you want to eat?" interrogations.

Because we lack that 100 percent certainty about things means that you'll always have a chance to change our minds, to plead your case, and to garner forgiveness from us when you introduce us to a new set of friends by your ex-girlfriend's name. Certainly seems like a fitting payment for you having to endure a mini-battle at the video store over which movie to rent.


To be continued......

Comments

Got Most All Right, Sister

margueritemaria

Hey Zara, stumbled in here, and I'm glad I did. I read your "Women Suck" entry on myspace, and it made me a little perturbed, most likely because I don't like women to get into a lot of self-abnegation, but secretly, I had to admit that some of the things that you wrote resonated with me. So there it is.

Now this entry, I believe you've got this one right on the money, especially about the bodily function thing and not blowing a guy off, but really wanting to blow him. How right you are, sister, especially if we've been drinking protein drinks all day or are lactose intolerant. Most women I know, including me, would be mortified if we were wanting to get down to it and let out a great big, hearty fart in some unsuspecting, unpright guy's face as we were about to blow him.

Here's another one for guys to know: there are women out there who ENJOY, really like giving you blow jobs. We get off on it; we get off on your getting off. I don't think enough guys believe that, but I'm not sure if it depends on your age demographic.

Nice, um, job, you know?

Wow, and all this time I

Wow, and all this time I thought I was really fucked up.

Budo7's picture

I never know what mood a

I never know what mood a women is in, can't get it right to save my life, so I just gave up. It's pointless to me.If something is wrong tell me. If you don't tell me, I will never know. I am not, nor will I be a mind reader.
My ex would say we never talk, wtf we are talking now. What is it you would like to talk about? No answer, or the answer would be us. What about it? I am hardcore with folks,if you can not express whats wrong, then thats not my problem. I refuse to be held hostage by someones mood swings.
As far as the malls go, I don't, the way I look at those types of things is simple, if we are in-love,then why would we ask each other to do something that we know the other does not like? Do I really need to go shopping with you? Do you really want to go fishing with me? (some men like to shop, some women like to fish just examples)

Ok sorry vented a bit there.

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