Who Cleans Up When It's Raining Shit?

zara's picture

It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I should be able to sleep. Normally I can sleep the minute I lie down. Then there are times like this.

It's not one of those usual moments of sleeplessness. This is one of those times when my brain is obsessing. About what precisely, the jury is still out. On what caused the short-circuit, tests are inconclusive. I'm just sitting here, thinking about nothing and looking through stuff that I shouldn't look through.

Like profiles that I'd long since abandoned checking. Blog pages that I swore off of more sternly than an alcoholic after waking up from one of his blackouts and seeing his sister in bed next to him, making that vow that whatever happened wouldn't happen again. I am looking and reading and thinking things that I shouldn't be.

Towards the end of my phone call with the ManPerson, before the battery decided to give up the ghost (sorry, honey, it was Casper's fault) I was mentioning things about people not wanting to give up their options. How we make promises because we think it's what others want to hear and we just want to keep them baited on the hook. Yet at the same time we'll go in pursuit of the other things that light up our sensors. All the while we say and do whatever it takes to keep everyone on the line and everyone unaware of everyone else.

I did that when I was younger. Made promises with my fingers crossed behind my back. I was deliberately vague at times, painfully concise at others. I pulled on the rod just enough to keep the fishies dancing but never enough to reel them into the boat and have to deal with the stench, clean up and storage of them.

I'm too old for that now.

Funny how people use that phrase. The one talking about how they're too old for something. I'm not saying that I'm old, and I'm not saying that there's ever a time when I couldn't return to those little reindeer games. What I'm saying is that we should all get to a point when we mature past that shit. Hopefully, if I say enough atheist chants I can get people to be more self aware.

*Sigh*

I'll settle for people just not lying. People at least putting half the effort into following through on what they say, what they promise. It's the reason why I never make people promises anymore. I just don't want to disappoint someone, especially since I know how flaky I can be about the stuff that's not all that important to me, disregarding how important it might be to someone else.

People never quite know what to do with me. I can drench you in my love, my understanding, my compassion, my intensity for days on end, flooding you with the attention that you never knew another human being could give to you. Then the next day I can freeze you out as if I'd never met you before in my life. The odd part is that I can't really notice a difference. When people come to me and ask why I'm not the person that they met, that I'm not the girl who used to write them poems and whatnot, I'm confused.

"I used to write you poems?" I'll ask.

"Everyday." They'll answer.

"Shit. What did they say?"

I am so fucking confused with people. I am so fucking confused with myself. I want stability but in no way am capable of giving that to another person. I can't maintain my intensity. And once you get the intensity, when you have the watered down version, you end up craving what you'd drank in before. I won't be good enough. What I have to offer won't quench your thirst. I'll be the diet version when you're craving nothing but the empty calories.

I'm rambling.

I now honestly have no idea where I was going with this. This is what I get these days. Completely unplanned and unprepared thoughts. Stuff that isn't deliberate. Fuck... I just couldn't be that person anymore. I'm not reliable. I'm not dependable. I never have been. I'm like a sitcom star who goes crazy and you end up hearing about them having some drunken binge in a Vegas hotel room where someone gets raped and someone gets shot and their career is ruined.

I would love to write a book, but I'd get bored with my own characters after awhile. It would be a really short fucking novel.

Ah, hell. I should go try and sleep again.

Comments

lrk1977's picture

I didn't know how to take you at first . . .

I understand what you mean about the intensity levels. At first I was confused, but after getting to know you, I just accept it as who you are. I don't try to understand it, I don't try to push things, I just appreciate who you are. I used to feel like a junky wanting a Zara fix, but now, I am just happy to hear from you when I do. Of course, I miss you when you pull away, but I understand you need your space. I'm here if you need me and I know you know that. If you are happy, why should I push? I think the ManPerson understands that about you as well. Questioning things isn't ever a bad thing, hun. Just remember to appreciate those things, too.

(((BIG HUGS)))

Lesley from Minnesota :)

Funny thing getting older

You never expect it, never see it creeping up on you, and all of a sudden there it is and you're stuck saying, "What the fuck? I'm not even all that old yet!"

On a lighter note when you said "short fucking novel" what part of speech did you mean for fucking to be?

Budo7's picture

Only you

I really hate to say this , only you have the power over your feelings. If you give it too others thats on you.
Sorry While I enjoy your writing and ramblings, and will keep returning for more. If you let other live up in your head, at least charge them rent.

SimplySam's picture

Eh...the diet version is fine by me.

Because even the diet version of you is way more thirst quenching than what most have to offer. I'm REALLY sick of people right now. You're honest. You're direct. I'll take inconsistency over fairy dust being blown up my ass any day.

People never quite know what to do with me either. And my brain has been on the "spin cycle" for so long now, (without any drugs even dammit), I'm feeling like I should just stay quiet or I'm gonna blow. Maybe I need to open the flood gates and get it all outta my system? I just don't fucking know.

*crawls back under rock as a public service for now*

jomadd's picture

First - Tylenol PM Second -

First - Tylenol PM

Second - There is never a right time to do the wrong thing or a wrong time to do the right thing. Especially when dealing with others feelings.

Third - At this point in your life, if people dont know what they are getting, then they must take some of the responsiblity for their own disappointments.

Fourth - There is help out there for what is causing your disfunction....seek it.... There are those in this false reality that you have created that will not want you to find help. They love the way you are. It validates them, and their own delusions of grandeur. If you want some true happiness.....seek it!

Other sites you should visit: Wear Funny Quotes!