Why Women Fucking Suck

I don't trust women very well. I want to, but I haven't had a great track record with female friends over the years. I thought I would compile a list of the reasons why women suck for your amusement.

Oh, and don't go thinking that I'm not above any of the following behaviour just because I'm writing this. I've been guilty of a good number of these things over the years... it's partly why I'm so familiar with the material.

CHOOSING DICKS OVER CHICKS

This is by far the biggest offense. Once a woman finds herself in a relationship, that becomes her central focus. She wants to spend as much time as possible with her new love and will often times completely ignore her friends in the process. I always tried my hardest to not do this, mainly because I had so few female friends and wanted to try to keeps the ones that I did have. I had a friend named Becky though, who would whine whenever I started dating someone that I had better not choose him over her, but the second that she found someone... poof! She was gone.

The other lovely effect of this habit is that if a woman has a female friend and a male friend, she will always choose to side with the male one. Not that I can say that I think this is awful, being that most women are stupid, impulsive and irrational, so taking their side is usually pretty fucking difficult, but I have to ask: Where is the loyalty?

VALUING THE MALE EGO OVER HONESTY

We don't really want to hurt your feelings, guys. That, and we enjoy receiving "unsolicited" gifts from you. We would rather drag you along, saying nice things to you and placating your overly and unneccesarily delicate egos than be fucking honest. We will never say: "You know, I can tell that you're interested in me, but I'm not interested back. Will you still take me out on the occasional Friday when all my friends have other plans, buy me drinks and be too shy to pressure me to put out at the end of the evening? K, thanks!"

Oh... and the sex thing. We've all faked. ALL OF US. Once again, we save your precious egos and make you think that you're the man, then run and tell our friends how you're like "the human bidet" when going down on us. Too few of us take the time to give you directions for fear of insulting you. Consequently, too many of us go without orgasms because of it. So we kind of screw ourselves over in the end on this one.

INSINCERITY IS THE NAME OF THE GAME

Women are the best kiss-asses in the entire world. We know how to pay a compliment and make it sound real, but be so full of bullshit that it's a wonder there are any of us with blue eyes. I suppose this ties in with the ego thing, not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, or having a touch of a "mommy" complex, but still. Women will look you dead in the eye, tell you how much they love what you're wearing, then walk away and mutter to themselves "Yeah, it's really nice... if it's supposed to be worn to the circus." We don't even have to have another person to mock you to. We'll say it internally and congratulate ourselves on our wittiness. Then we wonder why we're always suspect of a compliment paid to us. Again with the screwing ourselves over.

COMPETITION AT ITS WORST

Don't let the boobs and vagina fool you: Women are more competetive than the men who win Super Bowls. Problem is, we compete over shit that has no fucking winner. We all know the Steelers won a trophy with a score of 21-10. But how do you judge the winner of who has the better boyfriend? The more perfectly manicured nails? The most obdient child?

When we see a beautiful woman walking down the street, we narrow our eyes and look for flaws. We placate ourselves with statements like: "I'd look that good if I had that much money too," or "Hmpf. Come back to me in 10 years and let's see if you still look that good," or "Yeah, well I bet she's dumb as a fucking brick." The list goes on. We assume that just because there is a more attractive woman living in the universe with us, we're somehow in competetion with her. For jobs, for boyfriends, fo a more decent table at a nice restaurant. Sure, beautiful people get better treatment. So shut the fuck up about it already!! Insulting someone else isn't going to make you feel any better, it'll just work towards you vocalizing that you don't feel good about yourself. No matter how witty you might be able to convince yourself that you sound, you'll still be an insecure, catty bitch underneath it all... and you'll feel that deep in your bones.

THE F WORD

Yeah... feminism. It IS a dirty word. We want to be equal by proclaiming how different we are. How bass-akwards is that? We ARE different. We DON'T need to be treated the same way as men. It is fucking asinine to demand it to be so. Same goes with affirmative action in general, but I'd like to narrow the scope and perhaps cut down on some of my hate mail.

Women... don't say you want the same treatment as men get. You don't really want to work 80 hours a week to support your family, to work at a job that you can't stand in order to provide for people that you never see. You want the option to have maternity leave, you want to come back to work part-time after having kids, you want tampon machines in your restrooms. You want consideration after consideration to be made for you, but not have to deal with any of the consequences. Don't lie to me and tell me that it's about being equal because that's bullshit. What you want is OPPORTUNITY. You want equal pay.