You Don't Need Braces & Acne to Still Get a Crush

zara's picture

I don't know if the boobs gave it away or not, but for those of you who may not have noticed: I'm a girl. I've been a girl for the majority of my life (there was that moment in utero when things could have gone either way) and I have a tendency to be rather girly at times, despite my best intentions. I don't wear a lot of make-up or fancy clothes. I curse too much and prefer straight shots to froufrou drinks.

But damn it, I still get girly crushes. What's up with that?

It started young. When I was five years old, my first crush was on Han Solo.

I mean, come on! What wasn't there to love about a young Harrison Ford? I didn't recognize that there was an actor behind the role. I was a little kid and in love with the character. I wanted to be rescued like Princess Leia. Hell, I honestly believe that's where my idea of love came from and that I carry on to this day. First you fight, then you kiss. That's love, baby.

For a number of years, my crushes were all character related. If I had any sense of pride, I probably wouldn't admit the following information, but my next crush after Han Solo was Michael Knight on Knight Rider, played by - yes - David Hasselhoff.

I still don't quite believe it myself. I would daydream about what it would be like to ride around in KITT, solving crimes while wearing cool clothes and having a suave man on my arm. Yeah, I was a huge dork. (Not that that's changed much.)

After puberty hit, my crushes took on a new nature. I started to see more than just the character in TV shows and movies. And I moved onto musicians. The first man who made me wet in the knickers was the man who still has the capacity to do so. That's right, the formidable Tommy Lee.

Back then, this is what did it for me:

That's right. Long hair coated in a layer of Aqua Net, heavy make-up and no t-shirt revealing far less ink than he went on to acquire. But I honestly think I made a good choice. What other member of Motley Crue can claim that the years have been this good to them, despite heavy drug use and fucking Pamela Anderson?

Um... those hip bones. I... uh.... I'll be back in a minute.


I was a teen of the late eighties, attending Jr High School when hair metal was god. Due to the fact that Tommy scared my mom too much (he now makes her shudder in revulsion... LOVE it), I moved onto a less frightening long haired man. And what mother can resist a big cheesy smile?

That's right, I dove head first into a minor Jon Bon Jovi obsession.

I remember when he spent a great deal of energy denying that he would get married. His famous quote of "Marriage is an institution and I'm much too young to go to an institution," warmed my teenaged heart. Until the day that his Vegas marriage hit the headlines and I tore all of his posters off my wall.

You know... Jon's not looking so bad these days. I might have to reconsider my vow to never look at him the same way again.

Good Italian blood works wonders. I've mentioned that I'm Italian, right?

I entered high school determined to not develop crushes on anyone who could let me down. What route does a burned teenaged girl take when the living idols let her down with their belief that they're allowed to do whatever they choose? She turns to dead idols! Much to the pleasure of my mother, I spent my next four years in high school with a room covered in posters of men that she had once adored.

When I wasn't fucking my flesh and blood boyfriends, I was staring at my walls and using Jim Morrison and James Dean as inspiration. Yes, I was inspired to - um - write stories about them! With my mind and my fingers. Yeah. And since I was fortunate enough to occasionally have sex with my flesh and blood boyfriends in my bedroom, I could sometimes combine the two. *sigh*

After high school I went back to loving a character while then understanding that there was a person behind the TV role. My So-Called Life debuted and bowed out early, but for those women within my age bracket, we will never forget the name Jordan Catalano. Or the name Jared Leto. I doubt there was a more perfect specimen during those early '90's years.

And for good measure, because I can never see enough of this picture...

Sure, Leto's a total douche and I recognize that. But much like men can overlook the implications of divas like Jessica Alba and Beyonce, I can deal with the bullshit of Leto. Sorry, pretty people. Your purpose is to give the population something to drool over. Suck it up and deal and stop your bitching about how you're real people and have feelings and whatever. Just smile for the camera and take off your pants.

Even as I get older, my crushes remain. I can hold true to almost all of the people that I once rubbed a few out to, and have included women in the lot over the years. Yet I'm becoming more and more of a realist as time goes by. I'd rather fuck someone who has a brain in their head. Intelligence really is starting to play more of a factor in my excitement level than just a pretty face or a great body.

I think I really understood the tides had turned when I read an e-mail that I got myself off to. And it wasn't even sexual in nature. I daydream about fucking a man because he's smart, funny and like no one else that I've yet to meet. I get excited and harass stand-up comics when I hear Canadian inflections in their voice.

If that isn't a crush, well... it might just be real.

Still, Tommy is always welcome to drop me a line. Anytime.

Discussion of the Day:

Who were some of your crushes growing up?


oh yeah

My first actual celebrity crush just based on looks was Luke Perry. Mostly because of 90210. Highschool outcast. I like the don't give a shit attitude for sure.

After that it evolved to a giant sized crush Mr. Leto as well. Same sort of character but he wasn't 30 trying to play a teenager. And I can even say I enjoy his band... although I'm sure that his looks have nothing to do with it... heh.

And now I would say it's Christian Bale (American Psycho yesssss).
And for some reason I have always had an ongoing thing for Nicolas Cage. I like unconventional I guess!

omgI fell in love with

I fell in love with David Bowie when i was 10. Something about the quoffed floppy hair at that time. Lucky for me he kept evolving as i grew up... Grunge Dave, Alternative Dave, Mature man of the world Dave, and even Daddy Dave - his daughter must be about 7 now.
Recently i discovered Robbie Williams.. in a totally innocent WOAH way. Funnily enough i actualy felt guilty for allowing him to over-ride a 20year devotee to someone with alot more street cred..
But hey.. You cant choose who you CRUSH.

Billy Idol, Bruce Willis, Angelina Jole, Drew Barrymore, even Jim Carrey (wtf!) *grin*
Great post Zara!

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