Your Dad Had to Tie a Porkchop Around Your Neck Just to Get the Dog to Play With Ya

zara's picture

In case you haven't heard me bitch about it enough, let me tell you again. I get a lot of e-mail. While I get a majority of positive feedback from sincere people, I also get a sizeable amount of hate mail. I inevitably end up pondering the hate mail much longer than I do the positive stuff. Maybe it's because I've never quite known how to properly handle praise. In any case, the insults always stick with me longer.

The most common random hate mail says one specific thing: I'm ugly. Apparently, out of everything that people could possibly have to complain about, it's my prominent mug mucking up this glorious Myspazz world. Because... as we all now know... there is no world outside of this little microcosm.

I've been able to brush off the criticism of my looks for years. I never was a "hot chick," so I never assumed that everyone would find my appearance to their liking. Reading something about my face being fucked up isn't what gets to me most. It's the fact that this is the worst thing that people could have to say to insult me.

Why is it that people get so bent out of shape about being called ugly? Shouldn't we be more concerned if someone thinks that we have a bad opinion, one that could be detrimental to society? If someone was blasting a certain lifestyle and encouraging people to cause destruction and physically harm others, I would be more offended by that than if they were a cross-eyed, lizard-lipped cretin.

I took some heat over how I handled my stupid e-mails. People thought that I was being too harsh for making fun of those people who didn't seem to care that they were illiterate. I was being mean for mocking their poor spelling, grammar and punctuation. Hell, I could have sat there and posted some of the pictures of these losers and talked about their bald spots and missing teeth and I wouldn't have taken as much flak.

What do we criticize most in our celebrities? When someone is in the public eye, they frequently suffer from poor publicity over a photograph that was taken by an asshole jumping out of the bushes and scaring them. I know that I protect my own image by not allowing people to take pictures of me and instead do "the angles" and take self-portraits until I get a shot that I like. Hell, fucking 9/10ths of the people on this site do the exact same thing.

But the tabloids make millions for these candid shots, the ones that expose the actors and actresses in their natural state. Women without make-up is a standard running feature in many of these rags. "Hey, look! They look as shitty as I do when there's not someone slathering them down with two coats of lacquer!" Well, DUH.

When a good-looking celebrity is stupid, however, we're far more forgiving. Sure, everyone can say that they hate Paris Hilton or Jessica Simpson, but there will always be some schmuck who loudly proclaims: "She may be as dumb as a potato, but I'd still hit that!"

I can just hear Lindsay Lohan sticking her finger down her throat right now.

I try to go for something deeper when I insult a person. My mother bitches about how I inherited my grandfather's talent at figuring out exactly what will scar a person the most and then tearing that apart. If you thought I was mean with the way I handled the e-mails, be glad that you've never fucked over a friend of mine. I'm not just mean. I'm fucking brutal. I'm actually ashamed at the level that I've taken things when verbally tearing a person apart in the past.

I recognize that most people don't have the logic processes that I do to bother finding people's weak spots and go for the most common theme. In our image-conscious society, that would be a person's outward appearance.

Personally, I find it lazy and pointless to look at a fat person and call them fat. I'm pretty sure that they know they're fat before you decide to open your mouth and moo at them. And a "minger" usually knows they're a "minger." (More of my beloved British slang.)

Unless they're one of those people who's ugly and for some twisted reason thinks they're attractive. Most of the time those people are particularly cruel to others. So in those instances, by all means, explain to them in vicious terms the error of their ways.

For the rest of the crowd, use your brain and get a little more creative than that. Especially where I'm concerned. Yes, I'm ugly. What else you got?

Discussion of the Day:

What was one of the most creative insults that was used on you or that you used on another person? When does insulting a person go too far?

Other sites you should visit: Wear Funny Quotes!