You're Never Going to "Get" It (Men Vs Women)

zara's picture

There are some things that, no matter how well I try to explain them, people are just not going to "get." You'd have to wait until your life span was up and see if you were reincarnated as a heterosexual atheist mommy of one, if you happened to believe in reincarnation.

That isn't going to stop me from trying to explain my position, though. All this week, I'm going to be listing things that are (for the most part) unique to my set of circumstances. I issued a challenge for writers to pick up the converse of my situation and was overwhelmed with responses. So much so, that at the end of each post, I'm going to be linking several posts for you to go and check out. When you're done reading, if you have a favorite, come back to my post and vote for them in the poll.

As for Monday, I'm going to tackle the easiest set of characteristics. That's right, the following is a list of things that men will never understand about being a woman.


* Men will never understand the true meaning of the word "spotting." No, it doesn't refer to a cheetah.

* Men will never have to wait in line to go pee, get into the bathroom stall, pull down their pants or hike up their skirt, release the liquid and then discover that there's no toilet paper to wipe with. Men won't understand the panicked frenzy of checking for those tissue paper toilet seat covers, finally progressing to knocking on the stall next to you and asking for some toilet paper, only to be give a couple of squares by the woman in the stall next to you because she's trying to preserve enough paper for her own ass.

* Men will never understand what it's like to think that you're pregnant after every time you've had sex, regardless of whether or not you were on birth control. No, we don't even have to be late a few days, we just "know" that something's off even a week before we're due to start.

* Men will never have to budget for feminine hygiene products. You cannot skimp on tampons. Buying the store brand will just mean that you have to buy extra detergent for those accidents. You also have to buy pads and/or panty liners as a back up, yeast infection medicine, antibiotics for UTIs (if you have to ask, be grateful that you've never had to deal with one, even by proxy through an agonizing girlfriend/wife), bikini waxing kits, extra razors (because we're required to get rid of ALL errant body hair), quality deodorant made especially for women... should I go on?

* Men will never have to go out with a group of women and be yanked into the bathroom every time one of the females in the group needs to take a piss. Bathroom trips for men only include vacating their bladders or bowels. Bathroom trips for women are mini-Dr Phil sessions, make-up seminars and inspirational seminars. 95% of women have their IQs lowered once crossing the threshold of the restroom, so this is especially torture for those of us women who prefer to keep intelligent male company.

* Men will never understand that when we say that everything is "OK," it most likely IS "OK." It's only after being accused of lying about the OK status then questioned about what the man supposedly did "wrong" that we will eventually settle on an answer to the question. Talk to us about things on a regular basis and when we do have a quiet lull, you're in the clear. There are always things you've done wrong that we have stored up in our arsenal. So consider these moments a "don't ask, don't get reamed the fuck out," time.

* If you get to judge us on the size of our breasts, a body part which is visible regardless of the garment that we wear, then we are allowed to judge you on the size of your penis, a body part which does not get revealed until we've made the decision that we want to play with it. Get the fuck over it. We're entitled to judge. Be thankful that you're getting laid.

* Men can buy boxers and wear them with khaki pants, jeans, shorts, a tuxedo, solo or even under a kilt if they're not truly Scottish. Women MUST buy several hundred dollars worth of underwear based on what we're wearing. White pants require one type of panties, short skirts require another and we've always got to have "period panties." Bras need to come in an array of colors, cup styles and strap widths. We don't buy all this underwear because we WANT to, we buy it because we HAVE to.

* The word "scoot" has an entirely different meaning for men than it does for women.

* Men often complain about having to have one finger up their ass once a year for a medical exam. Try being a woman having a baby, going to the hospital and having a minimum of 2 dozen different sets of hands crammed up into your baby maker and then see them shake their head at you in a disapproving manner when they discover that despite 10 hours of hard labor, you haven't been able to magically convince your cervix to dilate. I'd gladly get probed up the ass in comparison to that ANY DAY.

* Men get ENVIED by other men based on their accomplishments and successes. Women get judged as being too cold, too uncaring, too bitter, too driven or too callous for achieving these same accomplishments or goals. Oh, and we get judged like that by both men AND other women, in addition to being judged that we didn't look pretty enough while doing all these things.

* Men just don't seem to realize that women like "chick flicks" not because they're all about love and unrealistic romance but because the characters are better developed than in action or horror movies. We don't get into a "chick flick" because of the relationship shit, we like that they actually bother to have dialogue that doesn't consist entirely of "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!"

* Men go shopping and try on clothes any time during the month and chances are, those clothes are going to fit them regardless of the week of the month. Women, when trying on clothes, have to figure in water retention and decide if the cost of an outfit is worth only being able to wear 3 weeks out of the month.

* Men will never get spoken to in a condescending manner when they take their car in to get the oil changed. Yes, surprisingly, some women actually know what a filter is and looks like and do not need it held up and rotated in front of our faces while being spoken to like we're a 3 year old. We didn't bring the car in to get the oil changed because we're stupid, we brought it in and are paying you to do it because we're lazy and don't want to get dirty.

* No one tries to hurry a boy child out of sight of adults when they are eating a banana, popsicle or sucker in an attempt to "protect" them.

* As women, we are able to get into clubs for a free or reduced price, get our drinks for a free or reduced price all in exchange for being hit on by men who are too old to be frequenting clubs anymore. It's not the young guys that buy us shit, it's the trolls we wouldn't fuck with someone else's dick. Despite all male arguments to the contrary, this is not a favorable position for us to be in.

* Men never have to worry about their tits aching right before it starts to rain.

* When you see a family out at a mall or grocery store and the kid is whining incessantly for attention, which parent is the one being screamed at while the other parent is walking around aimlessly as if they're deaf, dumb and blind? Let me give you a hint: It's not Dad.

* Men while out in public with their kids: "Oh, it's so nice to see an involved father!"
Women while out in public with their kids: "Ma'am, how did your children get to be so badly behaved?"

* Men get bullshit random e-mails on Myspazz from hot women in bikinis. Women get bullshit random e-mails from fat, toothless, redneck losers who think they'll be won over by repeated messages of "UR HOTT, WANNA FUKC??"

* Men, when playing golf, do not need to compensate for the possibility of their balls getting in the way of their swing. Women, no matter the cup size, need to compensate for tit blockage.

* Men will never feel uncomfortable while getting dental work done and having the dentist rest his tools on your chest in between procedures.

* Men will never understand the joy of having a migraine while having cramps while being sick with the flu, the entire time not knowing which orifice is going to start spewing liquid with the next cough.

* Teenaged boys are told not to knock anyone up and sent on their merry way. Teenaged girls are given multiple hour long speeches about how they need to respect their bodies, not give sex away lest they are to be considered a slut, threatened to be disowned if they get pregnant, told that they won't get into heaven.... should I go on?

* Men don't have to worry about getting raped by a group of woman if they drink until they've passed out. Conversely...

* Men will never be able to be a Mommy's boy without it coming off as weird, needy or outright pathetic. Conversely, a girl can be a Daddy's girl all her life if she so chooses to be and it'll still be considered cute.



There are a lot of things that men will never understand about women or need to deal with in their lifetimes. Just as there are things that men go through that women will never have to deal with or understand either.


In no particular order, here are the men who I think stated the male perspective best. Once you're done reading their submissions, please come back and vote for your favorite.


Crash

Justin Decent

Solo

Jim Bigbelow, Californian Gigolo

Sawgee




And just for fun...

Discussion of the Day:

Who has it "easier," men or women?


My Amazon.com Wish List

Comments

Saint Everclear's picture

MHMMMM... cough cough

Actually i think being male and in the restroom can be somewhat more distressing. I don't know if you're aware of this, but men NEVER use a stall when other men are around, the only exceptions being when the urinal line backs up and they have to use the toilets. You walk into the men's room, you realise there's someone in the 2nd to last stall, they scoot their feet back, you try to go as quickly as possible because you KNOW that person will not leave the stall until you are long gone. That person sits awkwardly, not daring to even THINK about releasing waste products until the automatic sink has shut off and the foot steps have gone down the hall. God forbid there's no toilet paper. Then you get to do the waddle into the next stall, hoping against hope that no one comes in. And trust me, men have much more reason to need the cover things. Although men's toilets are never used, they are always covered in unidentifiable substances.

Yeah... I'm sorry about the rest...

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