You're Never Going to "Get" It (The Religious Vs The Atheists)

zara's picture

I'm an atheist who was raised in an agnostic setting. I was baptized Catholic to appease my maternal grandfather, but never went to church until I was around 4. Even then, it was only because my parents wanted some Sunday "alone time" and would send me with my paternal grandparents who would take me and stick me in Sunday "school." Thankfully, I don't remember much of any of it.

I'm not opposed to having friends who are religious if they aren't going to attempt to convert me. I don't start debates with those that I know will feel offended by some of my beliefs if they hear them out loud. Don't ask, don't tell and don't preach. Three things to live by when it comes to dealing with people who have a different religion than you do.

For today's little writing adventure, I went looking for Xtians and Catholics who were semi-devout and could speak with a sense of humour about their religion. (Semi-devout mainly meaning that they could write light-heartedly and not turn this into an opportunity to convert anyone. Hell, if I wasn't letting the lesbians convert, I couldn't let anyone else! ;)

For the sake of keeping things simple, I will refer to all religions/religious people as "believers." Now, on with my list....

* Believers will never know the utter joy that comes from using the term "blasphemous" to describe when someone speaks ill of their favorite thing/hobby and not because they have to limit it to speaking ill of religious beliefs. ("Quentin Tarantino sucks!" "Blasphemy!!")

* Young children growing up as believers will never get to enjoy the freedom of having a dirty brain, since theirs is constantly being washed.

* Believers will never get the sick thrill that comes from screaming "OH MY FUCKING GOD!!" when in the throes of a mind-altering orgasm.

* Believers will never comprehend the dull ache that develops in the lower gut of an atheist after being told "God bless you,"when a simple "Thank you," would have sufficed.

* Believers will never get cornered while riding home on the bus and questioned why they believe that God is their holy savior.

* Believers will never be told that they're simply "lost" or "haven't yet found themselves" by complete strangers that they wouldn't spit on even if they were on fire.

* Believers will never receive e-mails on Myspazz from polite and well-mannered atheists who will tell them that they are going to heaven for posting pictures of angels in their profiles.

* Atheists teenagers get to have sex in their bedrooms with birth control. Believer teenagers get to have sex while at youth camp, using the rhythm method.

* Believers can't enjoy vaginal penetration until they're married. They have to survive on oral and anal until that day, poor things.

* Believers just can't enjoy wine and crackers like an atheist can.

* A female believer has to look at the calender to determine what day it is. An atheist can tell what day it is by the color of the pill she's taking.

* Believers will never revel in the joy of being un-conditioned. Due to this fact, dog trainers are the bane of a believer's existence and just a good way to get Fido under control for an atheist.

* Believers will never have an irate atheist approach them while they are reading the bible and scream, "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT'S THE BOOK OF GOD?!?!"

* Believers will never be able to live down Stryper. However, everyone's already forgotten about King Diamond.

* Believers will never get to rival the thrill that atheists get when saying "Leonardo" - pausing and watching the believer flinch - and then finishing with "DiCaprio."

* Believers will never be able to experience romantic love outside of a heterosexual relationship. And if they do and still claim to be believers - well, that's just cute.

* Believers will never be able to give themselves credit when they do something heroic, since they are obligated to give praise to an entity who may or may not have had anything to do with it.

* Believers will never know the feeling of earning their children's respect without the need to intimidate, threaten or lecture it out of them.

* Believers have Veggie Tales. Atheists have Spongebob.

* Believers will never have a tattoo as cool as this.

And that's a damn shame.

Oh, and I'm sure that believers will be far more offended by my list than the atheists could ever be from a believer's list. Speaking of which, I have some brave souls who wrote some good pieces on things that atheists will never have to deal with.

In no particular order:





Discussion of the Day:

Is there anything that could convince you to seriously question your faith (or lack thereof)?

My Wish List



If there was unquestionable proof that a god existed. Although nothing realistic would make me question being a "non-believer".

Other sites you should visit: Wear Funny Quotes!