Hush Little Baby

zara's picture

I've been quiet for a little while now, only doling out bits and pieces of what's going on with me or what's on in my head. I haven't meant to ignore anyone, but I feel as if I have been.

Last week was the first solid week where I wasn't running my previous blog or catering to my sickness needs. I had some legal shit that I needed to take care of and finally got up off of my ass and hauled myself over to the courthouse to file some papers.

Don't bother asking because I'm not telling.

Then, of course, it was the birthday. Having been given some news that I feared was rapidly impending, I was bummed prior to that precise day. I'd been spending far too much time going back and forth between caring too much and trying to convince myself not to care at all. Reality vs the comfortable little fantasies that we create for ourselves. Odd stuff.

I have this back-up, for all of you who are wondering and keep asking why it is that I haven't done what I haven't done in so long. (So what if I'm feeling vague? Deal with it.) I made a call towards the end of the week and mentioned cashing in my moment, having a stab at what it is that the back-up is there for.

My bummer then came in full force. I shouldn't have bothered mentioning anything but my big mouth couldn't stay shut. So I dropped a hint. The reaction was not entirely what I expected. I was hurt, insulted. I decided that instead of saying that I was hurt and insulted that I would just act out. You know... deflect.

Didn't work all that well.

Funny how people react when they're upset. All these different ways to handle sadness, rejection, heartache, fear... you name it. I'm a verbal girl. I'll talk around it, on top of it, behind it. I'll start to make you think that the problem started somewhere other than its origin.

Long winded crap, I know. I'll stop.

Point is, I was so weirded out by the whole thing, I called off the back up. I went out with my sister, saw a flick, drank too much and passed out. Well, not before calling a slew of people. I have this habit of calling everyone on my list (that I can remember as I scroll down the screen) and babbling incoherently. I think this is why no one likes to return these calls. I'm wondering if the caller ID is the only way that they can identify me.

Why was I thinking about "throwing away" all that I was working at over the past year plus? I suppose it's important to note that I didn't feel as if I was throwing anything away. My back-up is an old friend of mine, someone whose company I greatly enjoy outside of "shake yer tushie!" (Midget's been making up weird songs again) I've had moments with this person in the past and I felt like it might be fun to have one again.

True, it was going against everything I keep claiming that I'm holding out for. But it sounded like fun. I've been missing having the random fun that I used to have. All of my fun in preplanned. I make arrangements. Hell, even the breaking of the streak was preplanned (it involved a 4 hour drive on his part).

But I was stuck with the words of another in my head. This little bit, this small statement that made me feel like utter shit. A statement that was compounded by another statement issued after I questioned their logic in life.

See, I asked why it was that they seemed to willing to just go jumping into the next relationship. This person's in between times struck me like a former roommate's used to. That the alone time was just there because they were waiting for the next person to fill the void, not so that they could just... well... BE.

I was then told that they saw nothing admirable (or perhaps it was honorable, I have a new computer and have lost my archives) in conscientiously being alone. That it was sad to cut oneself off from the possibility of meeting someone new.

That's been sticking in my head for a couple of days. Well, particularly since I was accused of saying something malicious directly following that. Hell, I was just stating what appeared to be obvious.

See, I was mocked, if you will, for my choice of birthday activities. It was suggested that I was going to go about it with someone random. There was no questioning of who it was, if I'd met someone... nothing. Which is where the hurt came from. So I felt that my malicious observation was a valid one.

I'm not supposed to let anyone in. At least, that's what it feels like the logic boiled down to. Who really cares if the person seems random to someone else? Aren't all new people who come into our lives random in the beginning? Isn't that the fucking point? That we're supposed to step outside of our comfortable norms and take a chance?

The logic might be all well and good as long as it doesn't include any possible dick sucking.


I canceled not because I saw things in a different light or that I was questioning what I originally intended to do. I canceled because I know me and I know I would have spent the remainder of the night bitching and fussing to my friend about what had been said to me. I wouldn't have been able to let it go and it would have ruined everything. Doesn't seem very nice to put someone through a 4 hour drive for that shit.

So, rest assured, all you fellows out there who think I should remain untainted: I still am.

I'm also still lonely. By choice. Which I guess isn't as noble or honorable as I was trying to convince myself that it was.

You may now resume with enjoying your own personal happiness.


lrk1977's picture

Huh, we are in such

Huh, we are in such different places right now. I want to be alone - I miss having to answer to no one. I loved it when Allen was in the Navy and he would be gone for 6 months. I loved that alone time I had at night once the kids were down, I loved it just being me and the kids. I could take them anywhere at anytime and there was no bitching from him. I loved always being on the go with the kids and not having to answer to anyone for it. Alone is one of those double-edged things.

I'm in the same boat as you

I'm in the same boat as you are...lonely by choice. At least that's what I tell myself. I've tried to convince myself that I'm doing what's best for me. Sometimes it works; most times it doesn't.

As for the streak...HA! I bet I've got you beat. My streak is extending into Y-E-A-R-S. All because, like you, I don't want to settle for anything less than the possibility of something long lasting. But the streak is a story for another night. And I digress.

I've learned (the hard way) that not trying to do something just for me..doing something that I want/need/ saying 'no' to me, I miss out.

And I get even more lonelier.

Brax's picture

To be alone or not to be...

Hi Zara,

I apologize in advance for the length of this comment.

I've read your blog on Myspazz a few times in the past...sometimes you made me laugh, other times I didn't quite 'get' you, but you were always a complex and interesting personality.

I can totally relate to your current mood.

I had my "Midget" when I was 23 and 18 months later I booted my husband's butt to the curb. (he's just a bit player, no need to go into that ridiculous drama) From that day it was just me and my beautiful daughter and I loved her so much. Dating became something totally different than it had been in the past. I still had men following me around constantly but now I had different standards. There was someone more important than myself to consider and I didn't want her to get attached to some guy that would only be gone and out of my life eventually.

We grew to be very close - "best friends" she told everyone who would listen even years later when she was a teenager and we were both proud of it.

Of course, I eventually found myself madly, deeply in love with a gorgeous man who will always be my 'backup', albeit only mentally now, 24 years later. After many years of trying to maintain a relationship with him that didn't involve marriage or living together or even him staying over at my house for more than a weekend at a time, I gave him up. For her. For a plethora of reasons that all involved her best interests. Somehow though, I never felt lonely. My life was focused on her. Time passed.

I gave her anything she asked. Money, time, advice, hugs...all with a joyous heart. Then we hit a bump, then another. It happens with moms and daughters. That was ok though; it was to be expected. She eventually moved out of my house but we still maintained a close relationship.

Recently she got married and now has a son (adorable, he is!). When she met her future husband, she stopped calling, stopped e-mailing, stopped all contact. When I tried to talk to her about it, she only got angry and accused me of being jealous. I was devastated. I had devoted my life to her, didn't she see how important she was to me? I had given up the love of my dreams in deference to her happiness. I subjugated my own life, my desires, my happiness to ensure hers.

Now, I still love her dearly but the only communication between us is when I contact her. Am I bitter? A bit. Is it my own fault? Definitely. She now has her own life and I'm terribly happy for her but all of a sudden my thoughts turned inward and I'm still dealing with what I found.

I am lonely. Incredibly lonely. Some days I almost gleefully wallow in it. Some days it defeats me. Others it's alright. This was my choice, eh? Still though... to this day... I have a hard time even considering dating. I'm asked; I just can't seem to break out of this lifelong habit of being alone. I even shun friends in favor of my own company at home, sitting on my ass watching TiVo for endless hours, or dinkin around on my computer. I'm now 48. I don't have much time left to find happiness with someone else but I strongly suspect that my expiration date has long since passed and I am too ornery and set in my ways to ever adjust to being with a spouse every single day .

I won't attempt to cheer you up or offer advice but I understood some of the things you didn't say in your post and just wanted to give you a little hint of what might possibly be in your own future if you continue down this path. It is your choice to make. It starts with such good intentions...but it's a slippery slope. Take care of yourself while you're taking care of Midget. (oh dayum.. was that advice?)


jomadd's picture

wow Brax, I wasnt sure where

wow Brax,
I wasnt sure where you were going, but I am glad I hung in to the end.
I am sorry your daughter doesnt appreciate you as much as she should. I have seen it in my own family from a different angle. You just never know what is around the corner.....I hope she realizes how lucky she was before it is too late....good luck....Joe

SouperAsh's picture

Road trip for Brax?

I'd recommend a road trip for ya. A long, solo road trip. Thousand miles or more. Just make sure there is NO PRESET SCHEDULE. Take your bloody time and go at a comfortable pace. Take the detours you want to take and stop at the top of that mesa and take in the view for a few minutes. *Don't forget the stars, either!*

I suggest the road trip because it does wonders for the soul. It helps me by refreshing my view of the larger perspective. Its almost like a vision quest or a soul search. I've had moments of clarity where mysteries became very plain and people puzzles just fell together.

You don't sound like you're wrestling with a mystery. Sounds more like a wall. Do you want to break it?

Very interesting...

I, too, am alone by choice. I, however, gave up my streak on New Years after heavy drinking to someone who was sooo not worthy of it. You are doing the right thing. I'm starting another streak now...granted it's a small one...why settle? I think that's what people who constantly date and hop from person to person settle. So even though you chose not to have an "activity" of that sort on your birthday, I think you chose wisely.

When we make choices in our

When we make choices in our lives to be alone because of circumstances, such as our children, often it is the right choice. But, when we make choices to be alone because we are punishing ourselves, well, those are often foolish. To want to be alone for punishment is not going to make the rest of your life, that you might think you are protecting, a better life. Your daughter deserves her mom to be happy, healthy, and content. Would she want her mom to be lonely because of her in fear of finding the right person? Is that maybe the real problem? Hmmmm, something to consider. Being lonely and being alone are different. Being lonely causes sadness and at times anger, being alone you can still be happy and enjoy life. Just a little something to think of. I know things will come around and become clear.

jomadd's picture

You decide

80% happy with streaks of lonely or 100% miserable with someone? Which do you prefer?

Helena's picture

It's okay Zara. I'm alone

It's okay Zara. I'm alone and lonely, but.... hell, you know why! I feel as if I should say something enlightening, but I'm not going to. I just listened to your radio interview and came to one simple conclusion. Your extremely gifted at seeing the patterns that dictate why we do the things we do. So screw it, I'm not going to be able to enlighten you.

Glad to see that there's somewhere I can comment on the vindictive writing from the bowels of your brain. Keep it up hun!



jenn_beautiful's picture

Alone and Lonely are two different things...

I completely agree with Caroline... alone by choice yes... lonely... no. You can choose to be with someone but you choose not to... a huge chunk of it is because you're a good mother and you worry about introducing men to midget because you don't want HER to get attached... but there's also that underlying fear of rejection... I can smell it... But the question I have for you is Why Beautiful Zara would you feel the need to punish yourself continuously for whatever mistakes you felt you've made? That's what life is... so what if you fuck up... you get a chance to make things right faster then you realize. Smile. :)

My question for you is . . .

What are you going to do if you ever meet that person that won't let you shut him or her our? Just wondering!

I think you might be alone by choice, but lonely by choice, nah.

Caroline L. Curry
Little Rock, Arkansas

I realize that it would just

I realize that it would just be a patch to cover that part of you that is really hurting but I know an excellent travel agent that I could fly to you and make you feel better. I'd have to email him, but if I sprung for the ticket I bet he'd fly out for the weekend.

Is it a 'getting older' kinda thing?

Because I periodically get into that mindset of 'Fuck it all! I'm tired of being the responsible/rational/working for a goal one!' But then I think that my newly reinstalled guilt-o-meter will start needling towards the right and everyone around me will start hearing that awful beeping and wonder what I've done now. It's true that sometimes you have to say fuck it. However, I don't think it's an altogether bad sign when we think forward before saying no. For those of us used to the wonderful high from spontaneous adventures, that 'looking before one leaps' crap is hard to get the hang of once we start being responsible.

How does the line in that one song go? 'They call us lonely when we're really just alone.'

janekeeler's picture

me too....

I've been lonely by choice for a while now. Once I got over my ex I realized that I wanted to be picky about who came next, none of this jumping headlong into whatever happened along next... Of course, it's been a damn long time....

It May Be A Mindfuck...

It could be because of the unspecific nature of some of this post, but it sounds suspiciously like a "mindfuck" to me.
You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't, with this person.
There's no reason that a beautiful, intelligent, talented, and funny woman such as yourself should choose to be alone, just in case whatever (whoever) it is you're "holding out for" decides to make himself available to you.
If I have it all wrong, I apologize. But that's what it sounds like is going on to me. Without more details, that's as good as it gets.
P.S. You can drunk dial me any night. I'll even answer the phone. ;-)

rubylove's picture

i actually understand

i actually understand zara,
lonely by choice... scared shitless that the choice is killing me.
have a great week... midget sounds like my kind of gal "shake yer tooshie!"

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