Yes, Guys Really ARE This Simple

zara's picture

At one point in my life, I got the male species figured out and categorized into three separate classifications. I had arguments from all of my male friends that I was lumping too many of them together, that it wasn't fair to assign someone a label. The women I knew would laugh and nod. The labels might not be fair, but they tend to be fairly accurate.

The categories are simple and yet encompass many different sub-types within them. The descriptives are universal for those that I've mentioned. If there are any that I've forgotten, please feel free to add them.

The Musician:

This type includes but is not limited to: Musicians, artists, writers, filmmakers, "creative types", etc.

Positive features: Usually attuned to your needs, knows when you are in a good/bad/bitchy/PMSing mood and can handle it with relative ease. Will listen to what you have to say, likes to do kitschy stuff with you and is the one type that is most willing to go down on you. Is unique and creative, fun to be around, and can fuck for hours on end. Usually the best endowed of all the types. Free spirited, free thinker, free love.

Negative features: When not paying full attention to you, will completely ignore you. Level of interest is hot or cold, nothing in between. Has the highest propensity for cheating, mainly because they are so charming and are in an arena where there are always new females around, all of whom are throwing themselves at him. Usually is the type with the least amount of money, the first to mooch off of you and will rarely pay you back, unless you consider him offering his "services" as payment.

Best time to date one: Whenever you are in need of an ego boost. These types will make you the center of their world when they're in between new projects or practice sessions. They'll write songs about you, paint pictures of you and generally make you feel like the light that illuminates their day. If you've just gotten out of a bad relationship with either of the other types, "The Musician" will make you feel best about yourself, if only for a limited time.

Things to look out for when dating one: First, it's important to note that you should only date "The Musician" for a short period of time. Unless you have an equally roaming attention span, they aren't going to be able to sustain the amount of attention that they lavish on you in the initial time of dating. They will idolize you, waxing over your flaws at first, but as time goes on will wake up and see that you are not the person that they thought (not that you ever were, but that's beyond the point by then). It's hard to date one and be the jealous type because there is a guarantee that other females will be around him on a regular basis. He will not cheat at first, when in that "honeymoon" stage, but after a few months and a few fights, look out.

The way to snag one: Be breathing and be around. Seriously, there is no specific way to catch this type. He is the least manipulatable. He just kind of falls into your lap. Never go looking for one and NEVER pursue one. He's used to having women chase after him, so doing so is the quickest way to get yourself overlooked. If you fancy "The Musician," simply hang back, look as if you couldn't give a shit and aren't noticing anything that he does. It's a novelty to him and his type is all about novelty.

The Jock:

This type includes but is not limited to: "Blue collar" workers (i.e. the men that work with their hands), stoners, skaters, and any guy that was a popular athlete in high school and still mentions those days on a regular basis, regardless of how old he is now or what work he is into.

Positive features: The most predictable of all of the types. Is happiest with the stereotype items of male satisfaction: beer, sports, porn and blowjobs. You never have to worry about surprises with this type. As long as you fulfill these basis needs, he is the easiest to understand. Is the least likely of all of the types to cheat on you as long as you are fulfilling these needs because his mind doesn't function on more than one thing at a time. You never have to talk him into sex, unless of course, it's the middle of some game.

Negative features: The least adventurous of all of the types. The least willing to do anything that you want to do if it doesn't involve one of his basic needs. Never uniquely romantic, will stick to the standard concepts of romance, but only if you drop multiple hints to remind them. It means chocolate and roses on Valentine's Day if you start talking about it around New Year's Eve. Is painfully frustrating in his refusal to learn anything new. Least likely of the types to go down on you.

Best time to date one: After breaking up with "The Musician." After the tumultuous unpredictability of a relationship with the romantic, yet flaky musician, the boring nature of this type can be refreshing. Up until you agree to fuck "The Jock," there is a small amount of wiggle room to get them to grudgingly agree to do girlie stuff with you. Just keep in mind that they are only doing it only in order to get a crack at your... um... crack. And once you fuck them, they consider you "in the bag" and stop trying to impress.

Things to look out for when dating one: When not engrossed in a televised sporting event, this type can be extremely jealous and suspicious of you doing things without him. They assume that guys are all guys just like themselves and will only want to be around you, a female, because they want that one thing. Trying to convince him otherwise is like banging your head up against a brick wall. You should always tell them that you are going to the mall with your girlfriends because that is what they expect to hear and will satisfy their little green-eyed monster the most.

The way to snag one: Breathe. Be around. Make mention of the fact that you like to give blowjobs. It's that simple because he's that simple.

The Executive:

This type includes but is not limited to: Commission salesmen,  business/office types, most jobs where you are required to wear a tie to work but are not the shift manager at a fast food joint.

Positive features: Has his own money. Can afford to take you out to a nice place to eat and actually does. He will call and make the reservations himself, not expecting you to do it. Is the most progressive as far as believing that women can have any job and be just as capable as men. Is capable of sustaining an intelligent and interesting conversation. Makes eye contact. Isn't after you just to fuck you, but once he does fuck you is the most openminded and willing to try anything, putting your orgasm before his.

Negative features: Can be extremely self-centered and self-righteous. The intelligent conversations where you playfully bantered in the beginning become long and drawn out arguments the longer you've been together. Has a tendency to refuse believing that anyone is right other than himself. Believes he knows the best way to do EVERYTHING. Is the type most likely to try and control you psychologically.

Best time to date one: When you are tired of taking care of a man. Since the other two types take a certain degree of mothering, "The Executive" is a relaxing diversion. He doesn't expect you to do his laundry, lend him money or service him only during half-time. He can take care of himself without you and will even take care of you if you like being controlled and not having to worry about what your next step will be. He's more than happy to make decisions for you.

Things to look out for when dating one: They may or may not cheat on you, and if they do are very crafty in figuring out a way to blame their affair on something that you did wrong or something you didn't do right. They're good with words and will talk you into really believing that it was your fault he let some other chick suck his dick. He will also cheat if he is happy with you and another opportunity presents itself. This type was commonly the guy that got ignored in school growing up, and wants to try out all angles if they're offered to him. He will have the least amount of remorse over cheating.

The way to snag one: Be smart. If you really want to make a relationship with one of these guys work, you'd better be crafty as well. He will "date" stupid girls, but views them mainly as eye candy, aka the girl that looks like status on his arm. But "The Executive" also has a yearning to be a bad boy, or at least be perceived by others as one, and will chase after a "bad girl" that has zero interest in him, just to say that he snagged her if he manages to.

There are exceptions to all of these. I've met men that are half one type and half another. But I've discovered that these are the basic foundations for all men. It isn't limited to straight men either. Gay and bisexual men follow the exact same patterns.

Just don't tell that to a Jock. You might shatter his carefully crafted concept of the world.


theseangeleyez's picture

The Musician

is the one type that is most willing to go down on you. Is unique and creative, fun to be around, and can fuck for hours on end.~~~~ Dang I need to find a Musician....................Did I mention that you are awesome!!!

Being male, I've learned to

Being male, I've learned to accept the only view of the world that really matters is a woman's view of the world.

Fortunately, such views only matter to women.

Trying to figure people out is like trying to find out whether Schroedinger's cat is alive or dead. The very act of trying changes the answer.

Trust me.

See what I mean?

Heinz 57

I started to reply to this in somewhat of a haphazard defensive stance. However, after careful consideration that these are, "Males," we're talkin about, I've re-evaluated my thought in reply.

It's true men are very readable and it's also true that we have basic responses to most females that are based quite frankly, from our dicks. However, there are a small percentage that do care about more, in depth, parts of our existence.

I can't say that I'm in any one particular group of the above mentioned masses, but share in several groups including the added,"Nerd Group."

What exactly would you call a man that has a decent percentage of all the groups... I'm almost scared to hear your answer on this... Lol.

Hilarious read though Z...

sole's picture

Missing category...


I found this blog to be particularly amusing, but as I was trying to classify my fiancee Daniel, I realized you are missing a category. The Nerd. The nerd may seem similar to The Executive, but he is so different in so many ways. This group would entail men employed in technical fields, of above average intelligence and below average social skills. They have no creative talents, yet may be obsessesed with movies and are music elitists. They have no athletic talent and do not watch, play or enjoy sports of any kind. They are obsessed with Star Wars and sci fi in general. They like pirates AND ninjas, and usually play an online MMO RPG of some sort - mainly World of Warcraft. They love Lord of the Rings but consider Harry Potter kid stuff. They are also into anime and the occasional history channel special. No matter how hard you try, you will not get him to abandon his 90's era jeans and ripped t-shirts. He shuns society and therefore refuses to follow trends or even look presentable most of the time. His glasses are outdated (he refuses to bother with contacts) and he doesn't like to shave on a regular basis.

Negative features: You may feel ignored on the days when he spends 12 consecutive hours playing his online game. He is opinionated and thinks he knows it all. Trouble is, he does know a lot, so you may even begin to doubt your own argument at times. You can't take him to the company picnic because he will stand alone in a corner nursing his drink and looking at his shoes, hating life and trying not to resent you for asking him to be there.

Positive features: This man will not cheat on you. Because of his hero complex developed after watching one too many samurai movies, he will be a provider and he will care for you. He believes in honor and he will stand by you and love you. He will remain faithful even when your slutty cousin with tits the size of bowling balls tries to seduce him. Contrary to popular belief, this man is a genious in bed. Partially because he spent a large part of his teenage years fantasizing about what he would do to you once you finally looked his way. He wants to please you and he will. He is generous in life and in sex. He may not understand your shoe collection but he won't criticize it as long as you lay off his comic book collection. He has the potential to make really good money (if you're into that) once he accepts the promotion his boss has been trying to offer him for a year and a half.

If you are looking for a trendy metro-sexual guy with a fancy car, this man is not for you. If you are a mature woman who is looking for a man who has his own interests and will not be up your ass all day, you may find a worthy partner in him. Especially if you have tried the three other categories and found that none of the above worked for you. This man feels most comfortable with an intelligent woman who will understand (and not be bored by)his theories on the socio-economic structure of The Enterprise on Star Trek the Next Generation. If you can't get past the whole Renaissance Faire thing, I'd say try your luck with a guy from one of the other three groups. Provided that you are not a ditz, he will treat you as an equal and not patronize you. Don't expect romantic gestures from him, as he is practical and will show you his love in other ways. To sum it up, when you need him, he will be there for you.

Guys are this simple!!!

Hello Zara, This was awesome and funny... Wow... definatly,I know I fall into some of each one of the different one's...I'm so sorry that we are that simple and carefree! If you even look at it to close it seems so complicated... That was interesting..Thank you, Bill

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